So the secret is out- I am getting older. :) I'm in my LATE 20's. I am married. I have two kids. Obviously older is extremely relative since the late 20's aren't old at all.... but the stage before my late 20's seems astronomically different than where I am now. College provided a place for me to have a great time, learn a lot about the world, and party it up. Also, I met my husband there. Then we settled down into real jobs and enjoyed fine dining, beer and wine, and the freedom of not having many responsibilities. Then came Halie. She gave us a taste of parenting, but I didn't have to gain 35 pounds and get stretch marks and go through the emotional stages of carrying a child! Plus she was only with us about a year- although there were ups and downs we were still enjoying the "honeymoon" stage with her. Then we moved to Michigan and got totally invested in our community- having people over several nights a week, potluck, friendships, good times. Then we had Bentley who didn't change my life too much... he was so easy to cart around and was such a chill baby... plus it was just him and me all day... he's my buddy. Now we live in our hippie commune that requires cleaning and lots of cooking, and community building, AND a new baby. I've found myself really struggling with who I am lately. Please don't misinterpret this as unhappiness... because I am happy and grateful for where I am, but there is a sense of seeing what was before as just that... BEFORE... and letting go. It's a joyous loss (on most days!!!) I was looking at old photos and I always thought I was fat- I can see what I am wearing in every photo and remember changing my outfit 100 times to get it right and wearing things that would cover me a certain way... Umm can I just say I was not fat! All those years of diet pills, bulimia, running for miles on end, and just feeling horrible about myself and I think... wow, you looked good! (I can only wish to ever look like that again!) It's so sad really. I lost a lot of opportunities to be kind, compassionate, friendly, and strong because I was so worried about how I looked to others.
I was sooo fortunate to do a lot of traveling prior to my kiddos. Looking at old photos reminds me how much fun I had! I started when I was 16 and tried to go somewhere new as often as I could! Those trips contributed to who I am now.
So I'm just going to bare my soul in this post. :)
I always found my identity in things that I can no longer find it in. I found it in my looks- making sure I was always put together perfectly, I found it in people liking me- especially guys- I found it in how smart (or not smart) I wanted to appear, I found it in my job as a teacher, my role as a foster parent, etc...
Currently I am not a size 2 (not even close!), I don't have time to even dry my hair, I am not out to get guys to like me (and I know my husband is crazy about me so I can't even put energy into that!), I guess I could try to seem smart-but I am just not in a place to be reading a lot about new ideas, I don't have a job, and I am not a foster parent.
I know I cannot find my identity in my children or my husband or I will become one of those CRAZY housewives who freaks out and feels totally inadequate in a few years.
So where does that leave me?
Exactly where it should.
The reason I am left evaluating myself is because previously I found my identity in things that fade... and they've officially faded and so now I left stripped of my superficial maskings and I have to cling to what I already knew was true.... my identity is in Christ.
It's so much easier to avoid this truth when the other things were so much more glamorous. Who doesn't want to be a sexy, smart, hard working person? Finding my identity in Christ is not sexy. God never says, "Follow me and I will make you a beautiful, smart, rich, amazing person." Nope He does not. He definitely says the following very difficult things:
A disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Follow Me, and let the dead bury their own dead." Then He got into the boat; His disciples followed Him. (Matt. 8:21-23)
"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed Him. (Matt. 4:19-20)
"Those who love their father or mother more than Me are not worthy of Me; those who love their son or daughter more than Me are not worthy of Me; and those who do not take their cross and follow Me are not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. (Matt. 10:37-39)
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me." (Matt. 19:21)
My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of My hand. (John 10:27-28)
Whoever serves Me must follow Me; and where I am, My servant also will be. My father will honor the one who serves Me. (John 12:26)
So I think I am at a crossroad here. Just because I can't find my identity in the things in the past does not mean that I will choose to find my identity in Christ. Following Christ asks a lot of me (possessions, family, time, etc...). But who wants to constantly trying to perfect him/herself to meet the world's standards? Finding my identity before cost me sooo much. It cost me relationships, money, time, my self worth, my ability to be bold. and so much more. So really the cost of not finding my identity in Christ is sooo much greater.
Obviously I am not going to perfect this idea of identity in Christ while I am here, but I can try my best to follow the call of living righteously. It's definitely not worth giving up on.
I know a lot of people struggle with this same issue. And I think it would do us all a lot of good if we started encouraging one another in building character. So rather than saying, "I really like your earrings" or "You're so thin" or "You're so smart" say things like.... "You are so gifted with children." "I love it when you read me scripture- it encourages me." or just hearing the words, "You're beautiful." Not because of the outfit, or makeup or jewelry, but because you bare the image of the living God and He only creates things that are beautiful.
So yeah, this is a really long post and if you made it here, congrats! I hope you're encouraged.
2.03.2010
2.01.2010
Christmas Card 2009
It's become apparent that I am never going to get these mailed... so enjoy our virtual Christmas card!!
January 2010
Dearest Loved Ones,
There’s a blanket of snow covering the streets of Detroit this morning. It’s the first snow of the year and it’s beautiful. Detroit is a city of hidden beauty. First glance will offer you vacant and burned out homes and buildings, hundreds of empty lots, and glimpses of weary people. But if you can see past the external desolation you will find historic homes that might be falling apart on the outside, but on the inside are well kept and beautiful. You’ll find many of the vacant lots are community gardens that are waiting to harvest delicious fruits and vegetables and beautiful flowers come spring. And after making friends with many natives of Detroit, I can say that the weary and skeptical faces wear secret smiles and have brought David and I a great sense of joy in our move to the inner city. I can’t believe we’ve been here a year already, and what a year it’s been. We love Detroit and are thankful for this opportunity to share with you our journey.
For the first 5 months we sublet a room in a high- rise apartment building. It had enormous windows that allowed us to see the Detroit River, Renaissance Center, and Belle Isle. In May, we moved to a home in West Village built in 1902 with 4 brave friends who had the same desire to neighbor with people in “the hood.” The home provides adequate space for large parties and room to escape the chaos. We love it! We have become friends with many neighbors on our block and are used to frequent knocks on the front door from children in the neighborhood who want to play! Fortunately there are six of us to trade off entertaining them!
We are part of a church plant called Mack Ave Community Church. We are enjoying learning the ministry of the church and becoming aware of the needs in our community. Attendance is picking up and we are becoming a very diverse church through various outreaches and from simply living where we serve. We look forward to seeing what God does in our 2nd year of ministry in Detroit!
David had the opportunity to go to Honduras for a week in March to work with International Samaritan. He went with a fellow student/friend, Kevin. They were able to take some information back to the ministry in Ann Arbor about the medical needs of the community living on a garbage dump. David has also been busy with his 3rd year clinical rotations. He still doesn’t know what kind of doctor he wants to be, but he has 6 months to make that decision. In his spare time he enjoys baking pies, gardening (yes, we bought a piece of vacant land!), and spending time with Bentley and me (and now Clayton!). David is a wonderful, loving and devoted father.
I have enjoyed staying home with Bentley. Our time is more simplistic as it consists of trips to the YMCA, lots of playtime, naptime, reading, and visiting friends in the community. Fridays are spent driving out to Ann Arbor for Bentley’s therapy sessions. I have become involved with the children’s ministry at church- from being a teacher to the 4th-6th graders and planning the program with two other women. I host a weekly mothers group which reads together, provides support, shares wisdom and prays for our families.
And of course we must introduce our new son, Clayton Matthew Crawford born Christmas Day. Named after David’s great grandfather who was a man of great faith and Matthew means gift from God. The adjustment for Bentley has been difficult, but each day gets better. Soon they will be best friends and I will have all kinds of adventures to share with you!
We hope 2009 was a joyous year for you and pray that 2010 blesses you with the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Lovingly,
David, Adrienne, Bentley, and Clayton
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3: 16-19
January 2010
Dearest Loved Ones,
There’s a blanket of snow covering the streets of Detroit this morning. It’s the first snow of the year and it’s beautiful. Detroit is a city of hidden beauty. First glance will offer you vacant and burned out homes and buildings, hundreds of empty lots, and glimpses of weary people. But if you can see past the external desolation you will find historic homes that might be falling apart on the outside, but on the inside are well kept and beautiful. You’ll find many of the vacant lots are community gardens that are waiting to harvest delicious fruits and vegetables and beautiful flowers come spring. And after making friends with many natives of Detroit, I can say that the weary and skeptical faces wear secret smiles and have brought David and I a great sense of joy in our move to the inner city. I can’t believe we’ve been here a year already, and what a year it’s been. We love Detroit and are thankful for this opportunity to share with you our journey.
For the first 5 months we sublet a room in a high- rise apartment building. It had enormous windows that allowed us to see the Detroit River, Renaissance Center, and Belle Isle. In May, we moved to a home in West Village built in 1902 with 4 brave friends who had the same desire to neighbor with people in “the hood.” The home provides adequate space for large parties and room to escape the chaos. We love it! We have become friends with many neighbors on our block and are used to frequent knocks on the front door from children in the neighborhood who want to play! Fortunately there are six of us to trade off entertaining them!
We are part of a church plant called Mack Ave Community Church. We are enjoying learning the ministry of the church and becoming aware of the needs in our community. Attendance is picking up and we are becoming a very diverse church through various outreaches and from simply living where we serve. We look forward to seeing what God does in our 2nd year of ministry in Detroit!
David had the opportunity to go to Honduras for a week in March to work with International Samaritan. He went with a fellow student/friend, Kevin. They were able to take some information back to the ministry in Ann Arbor about the medical needs of the community living on a garbage dump. David has also been busy with his 3rd year clinical rotations. He still doesn’t know what kind of doctor he wants to be, but he has 6 months to make that decision. In his spare time he enjoys baking pies, gardening (yes, we bought a piece of vacant land!), and spending time with Bentley and me (and now Clayton!). David is a wonderful, loving and devoted father.
I have enjoyed staying home with Bentley. Our time is more simplistic as it consists of trips to the YMCA, lots of playtime, naptime, reading, and visiting friends in the community. Fridays are spent driving out to Ann Arbor for Bentley’s therapy sessions. I have become involved with the children’s ministry at church- from being a teacher to the 4th-6th graders and planning the program with two other women. I host a weekly mothers group which reads together, provides support, shares wisdom and prays for our families.
And of course we must introduce our new son, Clayton Matthew Crawford born Christmas Day. Named after David’s great grandfather who was a man of great faith and Matthew means gift from God. The adjustment for Bentley has been difficult, but each day gets better. Soon they will be best friends and I will have all kinds of adventures to share with you!
We hope 2009 was a joyous year for you and pray that 2010 blesses you with the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
Lovingly,
David, Adrienne, Bentley, and Clayton
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3: 16-19
1.30.2010
1.25.2010
Happy One Month!!
Things I have learned about Clayton Matthew:
He cries for the following reasons:
1. Hungry
2. Wet
3. Cold
4. Tired
If you meet those needs you have a happy boy!
He is very tolerant of his older brother pulling out his binky, taking off his hat, pushing up to stand using his belly, kissing (licking) his head, and accidently sitting on him from time to time!
Overall it's been a great first month. He sleeps about 4-5 hours the first stretch of night and then about 2-3 the second... so that is a huge blessing!
Well, here are pics I just took randomly to celebrate his one month!!!
He cries for the following reasons:
1. Hungry
2. Wet
3. Cold
4. Tired
If you meet those needs you have a happy boy!
He is very tolerant of his older brother pulling out his binky, taking off his hat, pushing up to stand using his belly, kissing (licking) his head, and accidently sitting on him from time to time!
Overall it's been a great first month. He sleeps about 4-5 hours the first stretch of night and then about 2-3 the second... so that is a huge blessing!
Well, here are pics I just took randomly to celebrate his one month!!!
1.11.2010
New Year's Resolutions...
1. Eat more vegetables- I haven't come up with a specific amount yet- but I would like to eat significantly more than I currently am. :)
2. Post more often on my blog- hopefully at least once a week.
3. Spend more time reading my Bible- and reading it to the boys
4. Lose my baby weight!
Four simple and doable goals!
2. Post more often on my blog- hopefully at least once a week.
3. Spend more time reading my Bible- and reading it to the boys
4. Lose my baby weight!
Four simple and doable goals!
12.27.2009
the birth story (for those who care:)
I had a doctor's appt. on Thursday in Ann Arbor. I was 3 CM and 80% effaced. We decided with the doctor to "plan" an elective induction for Tuesday if baby had not arrived. David begins his surgery rotation on Jan. 4 and will be extremely busy with 100-120 hour work weeks through April... so we wanted baby to arrive early enough in his break that he could enjoy the baby. So I left the doctor's office feeling pretty discouraged. I was hoping to be more dilated than a 3 and the idea of being induced was terrifying. We went to our church's Christmas Eve service and had a low key meal just the 3 of us...
I woke up Christmas morning around 5:30 AM with some minor contractions. I had been having them during the day and night all the time for weeks... but I knew these were different. So I made us waffles for breakfast and we opened gifts. I had to stop to breathe through the contractions, but wasn't sure if they might still go away. I took a nice long shower and packed up my things. We decided to call the doctor and she suggested we go in. I walked around the house a bit just to make sure the contractions didn't go away before we left. (We have 2 sets of stairs for the second floor so essentially I just did circles up and down the stairs around the house!) We got in the car and started driving to Ann Arbor--- a 45+ minute drive. While in the car the contractions faded away and I looked at David with a very disappointed face, "I think they're going away. We should go home. I am not in labor." The roads were pretty bad though and so we decided to continue on just to see how things progressed. We dropped Bentley off at his aunt and uncle's home and then arrived at the hospital. We took another quick walk around the parking lot and then up to the 3rd floor. So it's about 11:30 AM now. In triage the Resident checked me and said, "I think we'll keep ya, you're about a 6-7." :) I felt so relieved to know that I am not crazy and I do sort of know my body. After we got our room we walked the halls for about an hour trying to bring labor along. When the contractions became too painful to be in the hallway I went into the shower in my room. On one wall was the shower head and the other wall had 3 jets and a place to sit. Well I turned the shower head on as hot as it would go and it just ran next to me and I sat in front of those jets for about 45 min. and did some serious laboring. :) It felt sooooo good to have the water on my back and then when I was contracting I'd turn around to have the water on my belly. After awhile the nurse got me on the bed and put me on the bean bag to help baby keep turning around... oh yeah, the baby was occipital posterior (looking up and not down) just like my first was... we we needed him to turn around. The resident came in and checked me and I was 8 CM so she broke my water with her fingers rather than that awful hook thing and ahhh relief. Well, only for a second... because then the contractions added much more pressure. Within 2 contractions he had descended down and I had the awful urge to push. So I said I was pushing. That's when things got busy! The doctor and resident put on their green gear :), the nurses were all ready and they were encouraging me to get the baby out. I don't remember it hurting so bad to push! I think I pushed for about 15 minutes and they announced, "It's a boy!" and placed him on my belly. It was great to have him out! His time of birth was 2:40 PM. Fortunately I didn't tear much so I only got a little unnecessary stitch... They did all the tests and then he nursed for about an hour. He latched on great... Then I showered and they brought me to the mother baby unit where we stayed for 24 hours before going home.
We are home now and he's doing well. It's been a very long first night, but I am hoping it gets better. :) Bentley slept soooo well and rarely cried. Clayton definitely lets us know he's here with his strong vocals. :) He has really dark hair and beautiful dark eyes.
Overall everything went very smoothly. My recovery has been much easier with him as well. It was such a different hospital experience. With Bentley they took him at birth for a couple hours and by the time I got him back he was in the sleepy newborn stage for a day or 2. I needed lots of help with his latch- there were tests being done on his heart... nurses were constantly checking on me and taking care of everything. This time I rarely saw a medical person- and was pretty much left alone to do my thing... neither experience is "better" or "worse"- it's just been very different.
I woke up Christmas morning around 5:30 AM with some minor contractions. I had been having them during the day and night all the time for weeks... but I knew these were different. So I made us waffles for breakfast and we opened gifts. I had to stop to breathe through the contractions, but wasn't sure if they might still go away. I took a nice long shower and packed up my things. We decided to call the doctor and she suggested we go in. I walked around the house a bit just to make sure the contractions didn't go away before we left. (We have 2 sets of stairs for the second floor so essentially I just did circles up and down the stairs around the house!) We got in the car and started driving to Ann Arbor--- a 45+ minute drive. While in the car the contractions faded away and I looked at David with a very disappointed face, "I think they're going away. We should go home. I am not in labor." The roads were pretty bad though and so we decided to continue on just to see how things progressed. We dropped Bentley off at his aunt and uncle's home and then arrived at the hospital. We took another quick walk around the parking lot and then up to the 3rd floor. So it's about 11:30 AM now. In triage the Resident checked me and said, "I think we'll keep ya, you're about a 6-7." :) I felt so relieved to know that I am not crazy and I do sort of know my body. After we got our room we walked the halls for about an hour trying to bring labor along. When the contractions became too painful to be in the hallway I went into the shower in my room. On one wall was the shower head and the other wall had 3 jets and a place to sit. Well I turned the shower head on as hot as it would go and it just ran next to me and I sat in front of those jets for about 45 min. and did some serious laboring. :) It felt sooooo good to have the water on my back and then when I was contracting I'd turn around to have the water on my belly. After awhile the nurse got me on the bed and put me on the bean bag to help baby keep turning around... oh yeah, the baby was occipital posterior (looking up and not down) just like my first was... we we needed him to turn around. The resident came in and checked me and I was 8 CM so she broke my water with her fingers rather than that awful hook thing and ahhh relief. Well, only for a second... because then the contractions added much more pressure. Within 2 contractions he had descended down and I had the awful urge to push. So I said I was pushing. That's when things got busy! The doctor and resident put on their green gear :), the nurses were all ready and they were encouraging me to get the baby out. I don't remember it hurting so bad to push! I think I pushed for about 15 minutes and they announced, "It's a boy!" and placed him on my belly. It was great to have him out! His time of birth was 2:40 PM. Fortunately I didn't tear much so I only got a little unnecessary stitch... They did all the tests and then he nursed for about an hour. He latched on great... Then I showered and they brought me to the mother baby unit where we stayed for 24 hours before going home.
We are home now and he's doing well. It's been a very long first night, but I am hoping it gets better. :) Bentley slept soooo well and rarely cried. Clayton definitely lets us know he's here with his strong vocals. :) He has really dark hair and beautiful dark eyes.
Overall everything went very smoothly. My recovery has been much easier with him as well. It was such a different hospital experience. With Bentley they took him at birth for a couple hours and by the time I got him back he was in the sleepy newborn stage for a day or 2. I needed lots of help with his latch- there were tests being done on his heart... nurses were constantly checking on me and taking care of everything. This time I rarely saw a medical person- and was pretty much left alone to do my thing... neither experience is "better" or "worse"- it's just been very different.
12.24.2009
House Christmas Dinner
We had our house Christmas dinner on Monday, December 14th. It was great! I made "Reindeer Chili" (venison chili), with cornbread, green beans, and salad. Leigh made york peppermint brownies with peppermint ice cream. It was a feast to remember! We had a wonderful time socializing and sharing our hearts with one another. We also did a gift exchange that turned out so great! The only requirement was not to spend more than $6.50 on your gift. The creativity made it so fun!
Anyway, here are some pictures!!! They're a little random.... but I think there are more on Micah's camera... I'll have to get them later.
Anyway, here are some pictures!!! They're a little random.... but I think there are more on Micah's camera... I'll have to get them later.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!
Things are well here in downtown Detroit. We've had a little snow this week which makes it feel like Christmas. :) My dad was here from Sunday-Wednesday. We had a great time. Unfortunately I don't have one single picture. Wow, that's horrible. On Sunday I was very sick with a stomach virus, Monday Bentley had the same virus, and Tuesday my dad had it... so needless to say it wasn't the normal visit we would have had.... we laid low and apparently didn't take a single picture. I also must admit that at 38 weeks pregnant I am not keen on having my picture taken. It was good to catch up with my dad and watch him interact with Bentley. I especially enjoyed listening to him read Bentley his night time stories as it reminded me of my childhood.
My mom arrives tomorrow morning, assuming there isn't too much snow in St. Paul and the ice is under control here in Detroit. She will be here until January 17 to help me take care of Bentley and Baby. I am sooo grateful. We are going to have a great time. I will definitely post pictures- I've learned my lesson!!!
Bentley is doing really well. He's cruising on the furniture and doing all sorts of cute new things. :) He turns the pages for me on his books, touches his pointer finger to mine (it can be hard for kids with low muscle tone to isolate their pointer finger), and is all around a very happy and excited little man. It's really hard for me to imagine loving another child the way I love Bentley, but I hear from parents who have multiple children that it is possible. :)
I took on the task recently of photographing several families in the church for their Christmas cards. I really enjoyed it. I didn't charge (although in hindsight I should have!!!) It's nice to have a hobby that I enjoy so much.
It's a little weird not being in Arizona this Christmas. We will still see our parents and a couple of David's siblings, so that's good. I have enjoyed going to Arizona in the past to soak in plenty of sun to see me through the winter.... having the baby will have to be my sun!
Well here's a picture of Bentley from earlier today with a "cutie" he found in my bag. He decided he didn't need to peel it! He has only one snaggly tooth, but I guess it works for him!!
My mom arrives tomorrow morning, assuming there isn't too much snow in St. Paul and the ice is under control here in Detroit. She will be here until January 17 to help me take care of Bentley and Baby. I am sooo grateful. We are going to have a great time. I will definitely post pictures- I've learned my lesson!!!
Bentley is doing really well. He's cruising on the furniture and doing all sorts of cute new things. :) He turns the pages for me on his books, touches his pointer finger to mine (it can be hard for kids with low muscle tone to isolate their pointer finger), and is all around a very happy and excited little man. It's really hard for me to imagine loving another child the way I love Bentley, but I hear from parents who have multiple children that it is possible. :)
I took on the task recently of photographing several families in the church for their Christmas cards. I really enjoyed it. I didn't charge (although in hindsight I should have!!!) It's nice to have a hobby that I enjoy so much.
It's a little weird not being in Arizona this Christmas. We will still see our parents and a couple of David's siblings, so that's good. I have enjoyed going to Arizona in the past to soak in plenty of sun to see me through the winter.... having the baby will have to be my sun!
Well here's a picture of Bentley from earlier today with a "cutie" he found in my bag. He decided he didn't need to peel it! He has only one snaggly tooth, but I guess it works for him!!
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