on the meaning of a little girl's name

So once we had a girl it was time to pick a name. We had about 15 names that we liked, but nothing we had settled on. Originally (when I was pregnant with Bentley) our name was Elizabeth Grace, but for many reasons I didn't want to do it anymore.


The morning Lily was born I was reading my Bible on the couch while drinking my coffee. I read this passage from Matthew 6:

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.



While I was reading it I couldn't help but remember how I had loved the name Lillian- I love that it can be shortened to Lily too. So I was reading that passage and just reminding myself that I shouldn't worry about all the things I worry about. I love the beauty of a field of lilies- I love the image that is painted here by Christ that God painted that field of lilies and they're just flowers- how much more does he love us and paint the story of our lives?
So we've named our daughter Lillian as a reminder to not worry and to trust in the Lord for our needs- to seek Him and His righteousness knowing that He will tenderly and perfectly provide for our needs. We hope that her name will spur you on to remember the same is true of you and how much you are loved by your Creator- the perfect painter of the lilies. :)

Elizabeth is David's mom's name. We like to include family into our names when we can. (Lily is actually my great great grandmother's name and David's grandmother's aunt who she liked very much!) When we think of David's mom- we think of a woman who has an enormous amount of faith and trust in the Lord. Fear plays no role in her decisions to carry out the Lord's work. I pray that Lillian will know this about her grandmother and will also have a great trust in her Lord and Savior.

on the birth of a little girl

Everyone is always interested in the birth story so I'll just go ahead and it put it on here- if you aren't interested, then don't read this post! Don't sorry- there's nothing gross. :)


A little history- both boys were born the day after my 38 week appointment. However, I was 3-4 cm dilated at that appt with them.
Monday afternoon she was still breech, but had flipped by evening- so I bounced on the yoga ball for an hour or so.

Tuesday I had a doc appt and found out I was still a cm- but that baby was head down!

Wednesday morning I woke up to pee and went back to bed and felt a contraction that was a little stronger than the normal braxton hicks- but the real clue was that I hadn't had any other contractions through the night (at least that woke me up) which told me this might be different too. So I laid there for a half hour and they kept coming and then I started timing them.... 6 min apart-then 4-5 min- So I had my coffee, read my Bible- still coming- started laundry- cleaned the kitchen- vacuumed the living room- still coming. (Thankfully the boys slept in until after 8 AM so I could do so many things!!) I called David and told him if they were still coming I'd meet at the hospital around 10 AM. Then I called my back up babysitter, Kristen Egger to let her know she might be needed! All the while I am still worried that they are going to just go away and I will look like a fool!
David ended up coming home because he either needed to leave the hospital then or stay through the shift which would end around 9 PM. So I finished up loose ends- got the boys taken care of and we drove to the hospital.

We arrived around 10 AM and they determined I was 3-4 cm and would keep me since I had tested positive for Group B Strep and needed the antibiotics. Around noon they started the first round of antibiotics and David and waked the halls of the hospital. The nurse just checked for baby's heart rate every half hour. Around 3:30 they started round 2 of antibiotics. At 4 they checked me and I was about 5 cm and so she broke my water. Hutzel Hospital is a major hospital in Detroit and receives many patients who don't receive prenatal care so they have a ton of rules due to having so many high risk patients. So after they broke my water they didn't let me get out of bed until baby Lillian was born at almost 10 PM. First we watched a little tv, then we turned off all the lights and I listened to music from my phone (love pandora!!) Then around 7:30 I had everything off so I could concentrate through the contractions. The doctor checked me and I was a 7. I was a little discouraged because usually I show up at the hospital at 7 cm! From there things were very painful, but David was such a champ! He totally helped me breathe through each contraction and by 9:40 I was ready to push. It took about 4 contractions- the doctor was sooo amazing. She didn't break down the bed or put on the whole "deliver the baby" garbs on- she just sat next to me on the bed and let me push her out on my side. She said, "Now when you push her out I am going to set her right on your chest, OK?!" That was probably the most encouraging part of the night- knowing she was going to be here so soon. It was so chill- quiet, dark, and fairly calm. Once baby was out I sat up and looked and announced, "It's a girl! We have a girl! Oh my gosh you're a girl!" The doctor put her right on my chest where they cut her cord. They let me nurse her pretty much right away as well. She is a great eater.
At the time it seemed like the longest day of my life and I thought it was harder than the boys- but looking back it actually wasn't so bad. God answered so many prayers for us- that she would turn from breech to vertex, that she would come while David had 4 days off, and that I would get the antibiotics in so we wouldn't have to worry about if she contracted the GBS.

I feel so overwhelmed with joy to have this sweet baby girl. I didn't realize how badly I wanted a girl until she arrived.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers leading up to the birth of our daughter. :)



This picture was taken soon after she was born.

oh detroit

So David and I belong to a church here called Mack Avenue Community Church . We've been attending for almost 4 years now. One of the things I love about our church is the commitment for members to a specific zip code of Detroit (48214). When you're looking at a decaying city of 143 sq miles you can't possible reach everyone- so we focus in on a specific area. I really like this because it feels like we can be part of change in a specific community for a large group of people. Our church does several large outreaches a year in attempt to reach out to our neighbors and help fill needs in this community. On Saturday we did our annual Thanksgiving Outreach called Boxes of Love. In each box of love is a large turkey and several boxes or cans to make a Thanksgiving dinner. We then meet together and go out in groups to deliver the boxes. David and I have criticized this outreach a couple times because we wonder if it encourages the cycle of poverty and waiting for people to do things for you. However, after our time Saturday I was reminded of how much I love this specific outreach. This year David and I were given the opportunity to go out together (often we split up to go with people who aren't from our church, but want to serve with us- but this year we didn't really have many from outside of our church helping). The first home we went to was our old neighbor from the VDP, Cleo and her adult daughter with cerebral palsy, Angie. Cleo and Angie live on the third floor of a home in a one bedroom/bathroom tiny apartment. Angie is confined to a wheel chair and in order to leave the house she must scoot down each stair while Cleo carries her wheelchair. Cleo has never allowed any of us into her home because she is embarrassed. On Saturday I convinced her to let me and David up! I was so excited! Upon entering we quickly realized that she is a bit of a hoarder- meaning to get around the apartment you must go through the paths that she has created for walking. Everything else is boxes and bags halfway up to the ceiling. Angie has a small room and Cleo has created a nook for herself in the living room. Going up to their apartment reminded me of the condition of Detroit. I see the burned out/boarded up houses all over- I see the prostitutes on the corners- the men hanging around the corner liquor stores- but it's rare that I am in the home of someone I care about who is from this community. The home smelled a bit like a hospital- a little like urine. Yet their joy for us visiting was overwhelming. I doubt they've had a visitor other than a social worker.... ever. We spent time talking and Cleo expressed her desire to find people to spend Thanksgiving with- at that point I wasn't ready to commit to guests because of the timing of this baby. As our time came to an end I asked if we could pray for them- as I was praying for them to find a better home for the two of them where Angie wouldn't have to climb stairs and for their relationships to better as Angie admitted to be mean and angry Cleo started sobbing. She expressed her loneliness and fear that Angie won't be taken care of when she's gone. It broke my heart. We have had frequent conversations with the Selles about our desires to connect with people from the community and be more hospitable- and here God revealed to me 2 women who are desperately looking to be cared for. Sometimes I am always looking for someone new to care for rather than taking care of the people God has already provided. You see people are messy- their needs are greater than what I can meet- their personalities aren't always compatible- their awkwardness is burdening- it would be easier to start a whole bunch of new relationships rather than follow through on the ones I have. After some thought and prayer we decided to go ahead and plan Thanksgiving even though the baby could still put a kink in our plans. :) So I called up Cleo and invited her and Angie to come over for a Thanksgiving meal on Thursday with our friends the Eggers and a single man from our church who usually eats pork and beans from a can on Thanksgiving. Her response- tears.



Here's an old picture of Angie when we bbq'd on the sidewalk- the best thing we ever did to begin connecting with neighbors!

So the next day David and I were walking to church when we saw smoke billowing from a house a couple blocks away. We were gonna take a bit of a walk anyway so we followed the smoke. We found a house burning to the ground and spreading to the house next door. A neighbor told us the original fire was started by some drug addicts who were using the abandoned house, but the one that it was spread to is owned by an elderly woman. We watched the homes burn for about 10 minutes and then walked to church- when we left the woman's roof was caving in.



our latest walking device to keep the kids insulated from the cold. (I found it used on craigslist- and we hadn't used it as a stroller yet- turns out it's perfect for rainy or cold weather!








a local liquor store near our house- right near the house fire.

It's true that their are needs in every community- the affluent communities have lonely people looking for friends and there are drug problems- but the needs in the inner cities of this country are far more apparent, deeper, and shameful. Abandoned homes in Detroit are perfect for the homeless, the user, and the abuser- they host a variety of problems and the need for them to be torn down is urgent. Cleo and Angie should be able to get housing that is suitable for Angie's disability, but for some reason she keeps getting rejected. I don't know how to change these circumstances, but not leaving is a demonstration that I am willing to try to fight for the injustices in this country. I'll tell you it's easy to live in Detroit and not engage with the problems and I have to daily remind myself to reach out to people I don't really feel like interacting with.

A reminder of the serious fun we have in this city:

the waiting game

Well we've officially reached the point of serious anticipation and excitement to meet baby!I got my stomach flu out of the way last Sunday and my dad was here to visit (both happened days before Clayton was born too!!) David worked last night and will be home tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday until 7 PM. He'll be home Tuesday after 11 AM and then works a shift on Wednesday... then he's off Thurs-Sun. for Thanksgiving. So guess what we would like to happen!?!?! I am 38 weeks on Sunday and ready! Baby is back to being head down and I think we may have narrowed down some actual possibilities for a girl's name. (We've had a boy's name the whole pregnancy). I finished painting the bathroom yesterday (just spot painting that needed to be done) and hung some pictures. We have done tons of projects around the house- cleaning out storage areas, deep cleaning, organizing, etc... Cradle is sitting empty and waiting. Tonight is my last night out with the girls! We are going to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner at Partridge Creek Mall and then shopping... well, probably mostly window shopping for me. ;) I've completed my entire "to do before baby" list!! (Well, there is ALWAYS more to do... but you get the idea). I think the kicker is David's excitement to meet baby- I tend to be ready for anything at anytime and he tends to sit back and have more patience... which he still has- but he's definitely ready too! The only thing I am going to miss about being pregnant will be sleep. Currently I still get sleep- if not at night I can catch a quick snooze while the boys sleep.

So be excited with us to meet this little gift! And if you know how crazy David's schedule usually is you might be compelled to join us in praying baby comes real soon so that we can enjoy this week as a family of 5. Or maybe we'll just enjoy it as a family of 4 for a bit longer. ;)

Here's some pics because it's not a real blog entry without some fun photos!!!



Bentley and I had fun with the camera the other day!




We had a great time at the local school a block away. The boys love going to the park!




The cradle baby will sleep in for awhile. I think David's grandmother slept in this crib. She definitely put her dolls in it as a little girl and the Crawford kids slept in. Totally not to code, but so cute and has been a real treasure for all our kids.




The boys LOVE to read their books.




Can you believe they're gonna be BIG brothers??? Poor little baby might inquire to stay inside longer knowing what's waiting for him/her on the outside!



I love this picture of David and Bentley from Eastern Market a few weeks ago.

oh the things that will never happen to you...

So I am just about 37 weeks into this pregnancy and I went in today for my Group B Strep test and to find out if I'm dilated at all. As the doctor was checking me she started applying a lot of pressure on my upper abdomen- something I don't remember with the boys... when she was done she looked at me and said, "Adrienne, I feel toes. I think your baby is breech." Fortunately the office has an u/s machine there so they did a quick scan and sure enough baby is feet first. After the u/s they took me to the doctor's office so I could have a quick consult about what we do now. Fortunately the fluids are high so baby has plenty of room to turn around. Also, since having 2 normal deliveries we know there isn't anything structurally wrong with my uterus so the baby should flip. None of the 10 doctors in the practice do breech deliveries- so that's out of the question. (It makes me too nervous to attempt at this point anyway). My doctor said I can do research online as to all the things you can try to do to flip the baby, but to just keep being active and hope it flips. If baby doesn't flip by 39 weeks, we'll schedule a c-section. There's a lot of drama for me around that too though because I was hoping to have the baby just before Thanksgiving as David has four days off. The other thing the doctor can do is try to flip the baby around 39 weeks for me, but it causes a lot of stress to the baby and apparently is very painful for the Mom and you have to do it in the hospital because if the baby's heart rate goes up too high or drops she'll have to deliver immediately. I am not sure if that's something I really want to do. The other difficult thing in having a c-section at Hutzel Hospital is that when they deliver the baby they take him/her to another part of the hospital for the monitoring and all that while the doc sews me up. Bentley was whisked away at birth because he couldn't get the fluid out of his lungs and by the time they brought him back 2 hours later he was completely out. Clayton was delivered quickly placed right on my chest and nursed immediately. He never left my side. I know that babies are only alert for that first hour before they go into their deep deep sleep and I'd really like that time with my baby. I don't want it to go to another part of the hospital... David will get to go (as he did with Bentley) and I know what it feels like to be alone in a room after finally meeting the very baby I've waited 9 months to hold! It is NOT fun!

Having a c-section is a major surgery with a recovery time of 8 weeks.... have you ever seen me with my boys!?!?!?? That's seriously the hardest thing for me.... I don't want to not be able to run around and play with them. With Clayton I was feeling great at 3 weeks post delivery. It would require me to depend on a lot of help... something I am not good at receiving well. I like to do my own thing. ;)

So having a breech baby is something that happens to other people.... the feeling is so surreal. I am seriously 100% out of control of the situation. There's nothing I can do but trust the Lord for the uncertainties.

So yeah, join me in this new journey. Pray for me as it's a difficult diagnosis.

Thanks!

on christmas

For the last couple years I've been thinking a lot about Christianity and why we do what we do. I definitely take my faith seriously and find myself questioning pop culture often. For you to understand the process I should back up and share some of my memories. For starters, I love Christmas. I love the food, the music, the traditions, and in moderation I even love the gifts. As a little girl my mother gave me a doll (from Santa) that was unwrapped and waiting for me under the tree each Christmas morning. I don't have a lot of memories with both my mom and dad- mostly I remember leaving cookies out for Santa, opening 1 gift Christmas Eve, having the doll from Santa, and then opening gifts under the tree (once Mom and Dad had their coffee!! When my dad got remarried we celebrated Christmas a bit differently. Santa wrapped the gift under the tree and it was usually the most expensive gift. Alicia and I were showered with gifts. We always took a picture after everything was opened- I have many a picture with my little body surrounded by gifts. Since marrying David we have spent Christmas in Nogales most years. His family reads the story of Jesus from the Bible (from Luke I think). We open stockings then have a delicious breakfast- clean up and return to the living room to open gifts one by one. With 5 kids + me we now draw names for gifts.
One of the things I have observed about Christmas is the tensions and anxiety that many experience as they prepare their home for the holiday season. I've seen many homes become places of stress as the right food is bought, table linens found, rooms cleaned, and decorations go up in time. Relationships in families are strained for various reasons- maybe a child is bringing home a new boyfriend/girlfriend- maybe families are uniting for the first time- there are all kinds of things that people stress over! Did I buy enough gifts? Will they like my gift? Will we have time to do all these things? Do I have the money to buy this or that? Pull out the credit cards and swipe away- we'll pay it back later. As Christians we say Christmas is about the birth of our Savior, but the way we celebrate it makes we wonder if the two are related at all.
I have been challenging my Christian readers (and friends who have to deal with my opinions on a regular basis!) to think about the gospel and what it actually means. I have encouraged people to become aware of justice issues, care about the poor, and change our lives entirely from being worldly minded to Biblically minded for a couple years. And I think it's time to attack Christmas.
About 4 or 5 years ago David asked his family not to buy him a single gift and spent the morning watching everyone open their present at his parent's place. I thought he was crazy! Who doesn't want to indulge in the "joy" that is Christmas?!?!? He has been pushing me for a few years to change how we do things. I have made small changes. We buy very little, stick with a tight budget, give money away, and spend much time critiquing the season in general. As our boys are getting older and will start to begin the season this year he has been really challenging me to think about what kinds of things we want to do as a family each year and what things we should let go of. I want you all to know that this is a very difficult thing for me. I think he is right- and have agreed with his criticisms for a few years, but have not been willing to admit his right nor willing to give up some of the traditions I love so much.
So this morning he had me watch this short video:

Well the video is quite convincing that Christians should consider how they are celebrating Christmas and maybe even change their traditions altogether. Before you call me the Grinch finish my looonnngg post!

So let's look at the history of Christmas. I found this information from this site.

Christmas is not really a Christian holiday. It used to be called Saturnalia, a festival where people would worship the sun god. Christmas trees actually symbolize a male penis. The white holly symbolized the sun god's semen. Saturnalia was a celebration of fertility and sex.

However, the Roman Catholic church decided to hijack the celebration and mix it in with Christianity.

So instead of asking why non-Christians celebrate a Christian holiday, you should be asking why Christians celebrate what is essentially a non-Christian holiday.

There is no mention of Santa Clause in the Bible. There is no mention of flying reindeer in the Bible. There is no mention of Christmas trees in the Bible. The Bible doesn't even tell followers to celebrate Jesus's birth (although it does say you should have a day for his death).


So why do we try to "take back Christmas" when it sounds like it was never a religious holiday?

Why do we give gifts?
Historically gifts were given to remember the three gifts the magi brought to "baby" Jesus in Bethlehem. Is that why we give gifts today? I don't. I give gifts because it's what you do on Christmas!

Why do we have Santa Claus?
Read wikipedia.


Why do we have stockings? I found this story that explains stockings (which relates to Santa Claus:
The Legend of Christmas Stockings

One well accepted legend tells about a kindly nobleman whose wife had died of an illness leaving the nobleman and his three daughters in despair. After losing all his money in useless and bad inventions the family had to move into a peasant's cottage, where the daughters did their own cooking, sewing and cleaning.

When it came time for the daughters to marry, the father became even more depressed as his daughters could not marry. At this time the only way a woman could marry was if she had a dowry (money and property given to the new husband's family).

One night after the daughters had washed out their clothing they hung their stockings over the fireplace to dry. That night Saint Nicholas, knowing the despair of the father, stopped by the nobleman's house. Looking in the window Saint Nicholas saw that the family had gone to bed. He also noticed the daughters stockings. Inspiration struck Saint Nicholas and he took three small bags of gold coins from his pouch and threw them one by one down the chimney and they landed in the stockings.

The next morning when the daughters awoke they found their stockings contained enough gold for them to get married. The nobleman was able to see his three daughters marry and he lived a long and happy life. Word quickly spread of this good fortune and soon people all through the village were hanging their stockings by the fire in hopes that Saint Nicholas would leave them treasures also.

From this was born the legend of Santa coming down the chimney and placing gifts in children's Christmas Stockings.

A couple thoughts so far:

1. Christmas is a melting pot of traditions. It's some solstice paganism, some folklore, some Bible stories, some consumerism added by the mass market, and some influence of each individual family's tradition.

2. At the very least did you read about how Nicholas was: famous for his generous gifts to the poor,

That was the whole story behind the man and the stockings.


So here we are...

spending 450 BILLION dollars on gifts for one season. We should really be ashamed of ourselves- Christians or not.


Look at this link and compare the amount of money needed to help aid in some of the greatest problems of our world regarding people.


So here's where I rant and then I am done. :)


The fight to preserve Christianity from being sold to the market as a religion that allows you to do your own thing while millions of Christians suffer from the lack necessities like clean water, adequate housing, food and nutrition, and medical care needs to be brought into the bright lights of every football stadium in this country! How we can really go out evangelizing wanting people to believe in a God who created and loves each individual person while we blatantly drive obnoxiously large vehicles, heat massive houses, allow food to rot before we get a chance to eat it, spend massive amounts of money on unnecessary things, and ignore the outright injustices in THIS country like LACK OF EDUCATION for kids in at the very least DETROIT which leads to people not being able to have a job, know how to feed their children properly, which leads to obesity, lack of decent housing, dependence on the "system" for food and medical care which leads to lack of motivation to even try because once you get paid $8 an hour you lose those benefits the system offered you and now you are even more poor than you were before you had a job.

Changing how we celebrate Christmas will not change the massive needs in this world in a year. But changing our hearts and how we live on a regular basis will. Seriously. If you knew the small things that people are doing around this city and every other decaying urban or rural city in this country- that are actually changing people's lives you'd be encouraged to join the fight.

Jesus did not come to save you from your drama. He came to save you from yourself and all the things that pull us away from caring for one another.
So let's start being generous.... This year. And every year. In every month. Not just with our money, but ALSO with our time.

Let's start believing in a God who deeply cares about the poor. And not just making sure they have a turkey on November 24th, 2011, but that they have a meal for their family 365 days a year. Let's actually be the reincarnation of the living God while we have the chance.

And may you uphold me to this standard because my flesh wants to do things the way I always have because I love Christmas and the way it makes me feel.... but God has called me to something higher.

Let's crucify the ugliness of Christmas and celebrate the joy of the Cross.


I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20


Oh and I think there is one member of our family that would like Christmas to be about him anyway. :) (Just to add some humor!)

Brothers and other random thoughts

Bentley and Clayton have really become best friends. It's so fun having the two so close together. They like to copy everything the other one does. Yesterday Clayton accidentally hit his head on the fridge so Bentley purposefully bonked his head on the fridge. Today Bentley tripped and fell at the zoo so Clayton threw himself onto the ground! The copy each other all day long.... the good and the bad!

I really enjoy having 2 little boys that are so different. Having a typical child like Clayton so close in age to Bentley really has helped me not struggle with Bentley's delays. I think if it were just me and Bentley I'd always be comparing him the kids his age. Clayton allows me to experience the development of a typical child in the time frame that one would expect, while Bentley allows me to treasure each stage of development much longer. With Bentley I don't feel like my boys are growing up too fast... I feel like I get to enjoy it all!

It will be interesting to see the differences in the boys as they grow up in our home. How will Bentley's Down syndrome make him different from his brother? And I wonder what is Bentley's personality that would be there anyway. How will having a brother with special needs change Clayton? Will he be more compassionate, loving, and accepting? I think the answer is yes... but obviously he doesn't show these characteristics yet.

Obviously I think Bentley is a gift to our family. God has given us a child that will forever change how we view people. I never spent time around people with special needs- I didn't know anyone with Down syndrome. I wonder what it would have been like growing up with a sibling with Down syndrome. As a mother, it has truly encouraged my heart to love and care about Bentley in a special way. Watching Clayton so easily develop while Bentley struggles truly changes me. Bentley fights much harder to do things, while Clayton tends to give up more easily... and the reality is that he can... because in time he will be able to do it too. But for Bentley it is important to push him to try and try and try.

Some people say that children with special needs are angels. This really doesn't have any theological grounding, but I think the idea is that God gives us people to shape our hearts to know Him more intimately. Surely these children teach us to care for others in a way that would not natural develop. Eventually the sweet infant turns into a child and then grows into an adult--- the cuteness of the needs eventually fade away and sometimes the individual becomes much more needy. How does this shape who we are and how we see God? Sometimes people say things like "he suffers from Down syndrome". But I have to ask... is he suffering or are you allowing yourself to suffer through the opportunity to care for someone sacrificially? Perhaps it is an opportunity to become less selfish and see life as one goal to accomplish after another and just take care of each other. I don't see Bentley as a child who suffers. (I would like to say that there are children who suffer from different things, and sometimes I think our choices to continue with medical care far after the family should have let go does promote suffering... but that's a whole other issue... )
I don't think God sees Bentley as a mistake or as a child that He messed up on. I don't know why he gave us Bentley, but I am thankful for him. I do know that having Halie prepared us for Bentley (as a side note).

Sometimes I hear my friends worry that they will have a child with Down syndrome based on their questions about prenatal genetic testing or just based on comments I get on a regular basis. Sometimes it hurts my feelings because it makes me feel like I have an unwanted child. What is about having a child with Down syndrome or special needs that people don't want? Is it the time that you have to put into raising the child? Is it your selfish desires about what your family will look like or what your child will accomplish? Is it just because having typical children is easier? Because here's the thing: I didn't mess up. I didn't drink alcohol or do drugs during my pregnancy. I didn't put my baby at risk. He was just born this way. God knit him together in my womb the same way he knit Clayton. So why would I want a Clayton more than a Bentley? I think that's not a Biblical desire for Christians. Sometimes I think we have all these desires for our families, but God is just asking us for our hearts to be steadfastly devoted to Him and to advancing His Kingdom now. Does Bentley have the ability to do that? Absolutely. So why would I want any other child or have any other desire? I think sometimes Christians have this sort of dual life. Like part of them just raises kids and teaches them to be kind and share and all that- but I know a lot of people who are not Christians and do that too.... and then they go to church and worship God. But I think the life we are given is to be focused on one thing: advancing the Kingdom of God here and now.

I had no idea I had so many thoughts to write about! I just wanted to put up some pictures of the boys. :) I guess after a trip to the zoo with people staring at Bentley got me thinking....


Enjoy the sweet twins. :)

the return to cloth diapers

As many of you know I faithfully used cloth diapers with Bentley until he was about 17 months and then again with Clayton until he was about 7 months. There are a lot of benefits to cloth diapers. 1. They are cost effective 2. They are much better for the environment 3. They are the "thing to do" now 4. They can be really cute! There are a lot of reasons why people don't use them 1. They create a lot of laundry 2. You end up dealing with a lot more p**p than if using disposables 3. They are inconvenient- bigger diaper bag, more diaper changes, more time consuming

So I took a break for about 18 months and I have been buying disposables. When Clayton was born I was dunking one of Bentley's soiled diaper in the toilet- Clayton was screaming and Bentley was getting into the toilet paper and I just needed to stop. Well, recently I was writing to a friend the benefits of cloth and the most cost effective route to take when I saw that they have this thing that I call a booty sprayer. It allows you to spray down the diaper instead of the traditional dunking! So this got me thinking it might be a good idea to pick up my cloth diapers again. I also have been thinking about potty training and I hear cloth diapering can encourage potty training because the kids don't like to feel the wetness and begin to understand why we use the toilet. Finally, a side comment about how our trash isn't so bad- and that more than half of it was diapers.... I couldn't believe I was causing so much trash! When using disposables I don't change them super often because they do hold a lot of pee without causing a rash.... feel bad for my kids!
So while we were in Portland, I bought the booty sprayer and snappi clips to come home and get started. And yesterday was a success! We made it through the day! I feel very excited.
Also, after dinner Bentley was in his chair and stood up and started grabbing at his pants and whining so I picked him up quickly, told him to "hold it", threw his clothes off throughout the living room and plopped him on the potty- it was a little late for the pee, but the kid p**ped in the toilet!! I couldn't believe it! I am so excited. I hope that he is starting to get this potty training thing. :) I am on a slow progressive route with him rather than the more aggressive potty train in a day idea. I do ask for you to pray for me in the arena of patience as I learn how to communicate potty training. I really don't want to get angry when he doesn't tell me he has to go.

So encourage us in this new endeavor!!


A note to anyone who is interested in cloth diapering:


There are a lot of different options out there in terms of cloth diapers. Many places that sell the different diapers will give you a diaper seminar to learn all the different options.

We choose the cheapest route. We do the classic prefolds with covers.
Initially we only had the proraps. They are the cheapest and most plain. The only bummer is that you have to buy the different sizes, so it actually might not be the cheapest.
I recommend the thirsties duo wrap. You only have to get 2 sizes and they come in cute patterns and covers.


If I had more money and I could do whatever I wanted I would do the bumgenius all in one diaper.


Hope that helps!

this is what I deal with, seriously!

I was trying to get a picture of myself to put on facebook since everyone like looks a pregnant belly... but my husband kept interrupting my photo session!

lately

I haven't put up pictures from Bentley's third birthday and our trip to Arizona.... so I guess I better do that!







Helping Daddy in the yard!




At Grandpa and Grandma's house.... getting ready to blow out the candles!


So proud of himself!!!






At the zoo a visit from the Peacock was a highlight!




Clayton loves the zoo!




with Auntie Caroline!



with Uncle Mark!




Bentley in his beloved RAIN BOOTS!


Clayton!


Bentley and friend, Austin. My college roomate, Sarah's older son.


Bentley and Me!

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Bentley and Clayton on Bentley's birthday!



Chris playing with the boys!

into the wild and thoughts on denial

So today I watched this movie called Into the Wild and I really liked it. If you haven't seen it and want to without knowing the ending... don't read this post. :) Although I saw it after I knew the ending and I still enjoyed it.

So the movie has a lot of negative criticism because the main character denies society by going "into the wild" of Alaska without a map and ends up dying because he eats a potato root which is very poisonous. Many see the journey to Alaska as a death sentence and don't think he should be viewed in such a heroic light. In my opinion, he did what he did and it sucks that he dies, but I still think the internal struggles that are portrayed are worth examining and writing about. So I am going to do just that.

The thing that really got me thinking about posting a blog was a song that's in the movie called Society. (I will add the Youtube video with lyrics at the end of this post!) The song talks about how society is so greedy and how we won't be really freed until we have it all... like we live in this state of always wanting more and so the peace of not wanting more never arrives. Later in the song there is a powerful section that talks about how wanting less isn't necessarily the answer because your whole set of values is still based on stuff... just having less of it. The song doesn't lead you to an answer of where you should put your focus or attention... but that it definitely shouldn't be on having stuff.
So now that you all get the foundation of my post I can actually articulate my thoughts!

So the movie is based on a true story about a kid who appears to have sincerely struggled with society and the desire to get more and have more. It appears that he lives a simple life managing to save $26,000 through college which he gives to a charity before he goes on his adventure. Before he goes to Alaska, he goes on a 2 year trek around the United States and into Mexico on a voyage to vanish off the map. Many reviews that I read about the movie are people wishing to do that- sell everything they have and go be hippies on the open road.

Before I continue my thoughts I am going to add a story that will help you all understand my story a bit more. :)

So this movie reminded me a lot of my dad who is probably the closest person I know that really is a hippie. When he was 25 he and 3 buddies rode their bicycles (before they had mountain bikes!) from downtown Detroit to La Paz, Bolivia. It took them a year. Around the same time period he also taught English in Taiwan, climbed a bunch of mountains, and started a bike ride that still exists today in California called Sea to Summit. This past year he has ridden over 10,000 miles on his bike throughout the country. I love hearing his stories and it's kind of fun that my dad loves the freedom of the open road. But I also know that it is not a life that is to be romanticized. It's pouring down rain, wet and cold; 100% humidity in 100 degree weather; it's hurrying to the finish before the hurricane gets there; it's loving sleeping on picnic tables; and sometimes really lonely.

So I just want to say that I am proud of my dad for having his adventures and being one who has continually tried to deny society in his own way.... but I also want to offer another way to have the same thoughtful framework without having to deny it all for the open road.

As a Christian, the idea of denying self is pivotal to my faith and signifies my allegiance to Christ. Obviously I fail miserably every day, but desire to keep working at it. One of the greatest things that I long to deny is stuff. As I mentioned earlier, having or not having stuff is insignificant- it's the foundation behind the desire. I must ask myself: why do I want this? What void is it filling?

My desire is to be all consumed with Christ and not desire anything outside Him. When we are consumed with Christ we are able to cast off all the falsities of this life- we are able to find ourselves in Him- knowing that we are walking in light of salvation and working as agents of recreation. In other words, my denial of stuff is a recognition that those things won't fill my voids and won't make me happy. And also that by not spending money on those things I can give more money to aid organizations or churches or people who are in need.

When I think of the movie I can't help but connect the idea of going "into the wild" as a state of mind rather than ditching it all and going to Alaska. Staying in Detroit and choosing to connect with the poor and the struggles here is kind of like my "wild". It's my rejection of society and the American dream. It's my clinging to Christ and the life that I see Him leading our family into. As the main character meets lots of people on his rode journeys- so I long to meet people here and share stories... and most importantly, the love of Christ.

Admittedly, our trip to Africa this year was an attempt to try and go off the grid and deny the desired life.... and seriously it was the most difficult adventure of my life. But I still see the possibility of us returning to Kibuye to continue the work there...both in the hospital and in the church. But even if we never get the chance to return, I know that I don't have to go finding adventure because we are in it... now.

Anyway, I really liked the movie. It made me think a lot about wanting to deny the things that are filling voids... but only because they draw me closer to Christ and not because I want to be a hippie. (That's my struggle!)

So watch the movie and see what you think. And to all my Christian readers out there... let's help one another continue to walk into the life of righteousness.... "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14

on a little boy with glasses

1.

Bentley graduated from the Early Intervention Program this past spring and was promoted to be part of an ECDD (Early Childhood Developmental Disabilities) classroom. There was a misunderstanding when we did the exit interview in June. I thought they were going to place him in a classroom, but they thought I wanted to put him in a Head Start and not do an ECCDD classroom. So I have been making some calls, but no one knew if he was placed or where, so finally on Monday I went downtown to take to the Special Education department at DPS.... turns out he wasn't placed. The school I wanted him in is less than a mile from our house, but it is full. So they placed him at Outer Drive and Gratiot which is like 5 mi. away and takes 10 min. at least. It is also well located in the Hood. Yes, we live in the Hood, but I know this place and I feel comfortable here... I don't know that area of town.
When I left the building I felt so discouraged. I called the teacher at the school where I want him and she will let me know if a child doesn't show up within 20 days and maybe Bentley can have that spot.
David and I have been very outspoken about our desire to send the boys to the public school because we believe it is a valuable way to be part of transformation and change in this community. I was really looking forward to getting my foot in the door and meeting more families in this community in a setting that is equal- we both are sending our kids to a school- and not me handing out a backpack or a flier- or trying to get to know a person without having anything in common.
We have been praying for God's wisdom in where to send Bentley to preschool for several months. It has been a very long and painful process for me. Don't we all long to send our children to the best schools with the best teachers so that we can help them be the best? Well, I am faced with that in my 3 year old. Research shows that what we do NOW will echo greatly into his future. Well, right now we live in one of the poorest cities with one of the worst educational systems... so what am I supposed to do with that? Trust in the Lord. I hear the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit... Cast all your fears on Him for He cares for you.
So finally I submit to sending Bentley to the local public school and it doesn't even work out! Blah!
So here's what's cool about God and Bentley and Me. God is continually showing me that He is in control of Bentley- perfectly guiding His will for my child's life. I am praying through if God intends for us to keep Bentley home another year. Kristen Selle (who is special ed certified) has offered to work with him one on one 2x a week.
Join us in praying this weekend about preschool (since it starts on Tuesday!) And continue those prayers as we seek the Lord in how to best care for Bentley's education over the course of his life.
I will try to keep you posted.

2.

Bentley has been receiving physical therapy services for about a month at the Detroit Institute for Children (DIC). He has been approved to begin speech and we are waiting to hear back about occupational.
It's interesting because in the DPS school system they didn't see a need for physical or occupational, but at the DIC the therapists have made his needs clear.
He's been receiving the services on our old insurance which I fear we will lose very soon because David has an income and we have new insurance. Our new insurance is in network only and the DIC is probably not considered in network. So you can guess where I am going with this...
I am earnestly praying daily that somehow in some way God is going to work this whole insurance thing out so Bentley can continue to receive the services the DIC has to offer. He is really benefiting from the DIC and I really want to keep him there.
If all goes well, he will be receiving physical therapy once a week for one hour. Speech once a week for a half hour (unless I can get it upped for more) and occupational 2 x a week for 1 hour a session.

3.

As many know, Bentley had a minor surgery scheduled for Monday to open the clogged tear ducts in his eyes. We arrived at the hospital and got all dressed down for surgery- talked to several doctors- the attending anesthesiologist was talking with us when Bentley coughed a very labored mucousy cough. She looked at us and said, "This child is sick and I cannot do surgery. I am sorry." Apparently it is dangerous to put a person under anesthesia with a cold (if you have the choice to wait) and putting a child with Down syndrome under with a cold is even more risky because of his low muscle tone.
Choosing to even do the surgery was a whole process for David and I. We spent most of the weekend in agony over it. David just couldn't decide if he wanted to put Bentley through it- there are severe risks- low risks- but risks. Our friend Matt was over on Saturday and he is an ENT (ears,nose,throat) resident- so his first year is all surgery- It was such a relief to hear from someone who sees several patients a day put under anesthesia... and sees them wake up. He was very comforting. He is going to be a great ENT. :)
So... we decide to go through the surgery and what happens?!!? He can't have it.
At first I was frustrated that it couldn't just be done anyway. But as the day went on I realized that the Lord's Sovereign hand was once again upon our family.


I think God is refining me to trust Him more with my children... especially Bentley. Bentley has so many more needs than Clayton and I go through seasons where it feels like all I am doing is making phone calls and scheduling appointments- These things are good to do, but I have to remind myself that I am not in control of the outcome. I humbly and faithfully am asked to care the needs of my family, but I cannot control the result. This is the reality of every parent. We guide our children in the way of the Lord, but we cannot make them do what we want- and I cannot make others give him what I want him to have.

And so we faithfully do what we can then trust.

How is God refining you?