a great weekend

So much has happened in so little time! H came to stay with us on Friday and was to be returned on Saturday. Well, we kept her another day because it went so well. She warmed herself right up in our hearts. :) What a precious little girl. I've decided the greatest thing about a 4 year old is nap time!!! It is so nice to have time to myself- or to get more done around the house.
Anyway, we have decided to take her in. It will be a longer stay. I know there are going to be lots of obstacles, but I am looking forward to what happens. I do have to mention it was extremely difficult to take H back to the shelter this evening. We tried to prepare her by discussing that she would go back for tonight and that we will be back for her tomorrow or Tuesday. All was going well until the lady opened the bolted door to H's prison. She began to scream and gave David and an unforgettable look. It was so hard. The lady had to peel her off of me. Hey, I have had that happen before.... ahhh!!!! Anyway, it took everything in me to not go back and get her.
Our pastor's sermon played an instrumental part of this whole foster care thing. Eric was talking about the cost of discipleship. He asked us a couple times throughout the sermon about what our personal costs. Immediatly H's face came to mind- as well as N's. For me, the cost of discipleship is loving these kids without ever receiving anything back. It is giving all I have in each moment and knowing that they could be gone in an instant. It has been really hard when I experience the pain of loving. When I have the kids around my life is full of joy and happiness in seeing the kids excited. However, when the time has come for them to return I get a pit in my stomach and my time with them feels pointless. I think God is really asking me to offer H to Him. He wants all of her...and he wants me to release trying to control her destiny. I am anxious to see what this looks like. He really spoke truth about this tonight during worship. I love to worship Christ and I am often very moved through worship. He just reassured me that the kids are in His control...and I have to believe this as TRUTH- especially when I feel there is no hope for the kids.
Anyway, I love loving H- and I look forward to loving her for a long time. I will let you know more about what it means to offer H to Christ.

a great evening

I took H out for the evening. We had a great time. She played with Ashton and had a wonderful time. She was cracking up with me in the car. :) We had a nice dinner together and then I dropped her back off at casa. She couldn't have walked slower going back. She stays the night tomorrow and David will be able t spend quality time with her. Keep us in your prayers.

Whew, that was better

Our teaching meeting was cancelled yesterday and I was able to go spend more time at Casa with H. When I got there I took her into her room and she choose to play with the blocks. I watched her piece together the blocks and the car with it's wagon. She did a great job putting all thing toys together. I could tell she was trying to talk and communicate while playing- not necessarily to me, but with herself. I played with her as well. Then we read a couple books together. She was able to pronunciate the words when I would say them first. She also knew all the sounds of the animals in the books. I don't care what anyone says- SHE IS SMART!!!! She picked up on it all very quickly. She just needs the cognitive stimulation. After awhile I said, "H is time to pick up your toys." She put all of her toys back in the bag. Then we walked out to the playground so that I could see her interact with the other kids. She was cracking up with 2 younger boys. I enjoyed watching her laugh. I gave her a hug when I left and told her I would see her tomorrow (today). I am feeling much better about her. She did very well. She did hit one of the little boys and her teacher said, "H !" and she said, "Ok." It was good to see that she stopped and then was able to continue to play. Sue says I really need to trust David and listen to what he says. I agree. She thinks he has a lot of wisdom. :) So far he is supportive of all we are doing. He looks forward to spending more time with her. It's nice to not be in a rush and take our time.

burdened by visit one

So we visited H yesterday afternoon. She's beautiful. :) She can't talk. She mumbles a few words here and there- some that even make sense- but definetely not sentences. She regresses to diapers periodically. I am told this is not unusual of children her age. The most difficult thing to imagine is her aggression. Apparently she can get aggressive with some of the kids. If a child hits her on Monday and she sees the child on Wednesday- she will hit the child on Wednesday. We had her cracking up and enjoying our brief visist. After talking with our friends at the Seneca House- our pastor, his wife, our friend who works for CPS, and some others that were there I understand a bit more about her behaviors. Our good friend with CPS has met hundreds of children and helped us understand some of her behaviors....but for the long term there is no telling if the will diminish or continue.... it really depends on her. I am feeling burdened by this whole case. The time we spent with her she was great. How can such an innocent child be so aggresive??? At 3 years old??? David wants to do foster care, but he doesn't think we can handle the really tough cases. I agree. We need to find out more about her aggresion. How often does she get violent? How do they help her to calm down? The developmental delays don't worry me in terms of accepting her in our home. I can work with her on that. I am not sure where God has us in this whole thing. To be honest, if we don't take her in...who will? What home takes only 1 child? Not many. She's been in the shelter for 3 months and no other foster families have been to visit her. This is not the reason to take her in, but it breaks my heart. Sometimes I get so frustrated with all that God reveals to me. The injustice done to children is hard to take in. For some reason He has called us in this direction.... I think this is only the beginning of the stories we will here. I will talk to all kinds of people today to find out more info. I hope this takes us in a direction. Keep us and H in your prayers.

Possible Placement

I spoke with Karen, our LW yesterday. There is a little girl- 3 and a half- in need of a home. She sounds like a great match for us. She already has a preschool where she is doing well- near our home. :) She needs a home where she can be by herself. She needs a lot of attention and affection. Sounds like she has just been existing during her life and hasn't had anyone take a role. She is living in a group home. She has been out of her home since January. David and I get to go meet her this week- I am hoping for today! We then decide if she will do well in our home. There are a lot of things I like. She needs to be alone- we can provide that. She has trouble focusing- I am trained in this area with my students. She is a girl- I love baby girls. :) She needs love and affection. We love to love and offer affection. God is faithful and He will bring her to us if it is His plan. I can't wait to meet her!!!!!!
Keep us in your prayers.

choosing a child

Hmmm so I spoke with our licensing worker (LW) yesterday, and told her we would probably be ready early next week. We have been redoing a section of our house and so it's quite messy and chaotic. N came as an emergency placement. She was removed from her home and brought to our house that evening. We were to have her at least until the court hearing to find out if she would go home or be placed in the system. It was really hard to do emergency becuase there are so many unknowns. There are children who are in the system, but in group homes and shelters because there aren't enough families. This time we are going to receive a child or 2 children that are already in the system, but don't have a home. So I asked Karen, our LW, how this process works. She has a list of all the children and will look for siblings that fit our criteria 0-10 years and we can't have different genders if one is over the age of 6...it gets complicated. So then she calls the child's case manager and finds out more of the case. Then either the case manager calls us or we are given the name and number to call. The point is that ultimately, we say, "Yes, sounds like a good fit." What is a good fit for us? Honestly, I am a little untrusting. I placed this whole thing in God's hands and he gave us everything that we needed and more...but the pain that was caused when we had something so good. Part of me wants to have a child/children that are tough so that I won't miss them so much when they go. I would ask that you pray for us and give us wisdom when the phone call comes. Chances are, we will say yes to whatever children are needed. The number of children needing homes is overwhelming, and the ongoing question with anyone who has a choice when adopting or fostering is, "Well, why not this child?" I pray that God would once again give us a great placement for our family so that we can love them with all we have, and welcome them into a home of love. I look forward to the opportunities that each of you have to spend time with the kids. I think you'll sense the urgency to love the broken. I am thankful that I worship a God of the broken. :)
I can't wait to find out what happens!!!

trust

I have decided to have a specific purpose for this blog. The purpose being to lay my heart out about foster care. I enjoy writing, and a journal would be a great way to express my thoughts. I also love to share my thoughts...so this is a combination of the two. In our busy lives we often lose track of one another and get behind on current happenings. Thus, this blog will help keep those I love stay close to my heart.
Our first foster care placement was a roller coaster ride.
I received a call that an 8 year old girl was in need of a home. I felt nervous, excited, anxious, and overwhelmed. However, once she arrived in our home, I knew this little girl would find her way into my heart. "I love you," she said, as I tucked her into bed.
I love you? "I don't know you, child," I thought, "How can you love me?" But that's the thing about children...they love...and she loved us well.
It was a brutal good-bye. I had a half an hour to pull myself together and let her know. She was screaming, "Mama, dont' let them take me away! I want to stay with you, Mom! PLEASE!" All I could do was hold her in my arms and cry. The time came for her to go and we had to drive away. It was like the movies, pouring down rain with sad music and broken hearts.
I walked in to her room to find her clothes in the hamper to be washed, her art projects waiting to be finished, and her homework left undone. Dead. Frozen. Empty.
It still hurts to think of this beauitful child.
I scream, "Why, God? Why for such a short time? Why such a perfect fit for us?"
He will answer in His time. So I wait and trust in Him....for I know this is truly beyond my understanding.
I thought I was done offering my heart. God had other plans. So I am preparing to bring in another love. In some ways I feel, what's the point? Seriously? So a child can experience a great home for a short time and then return to the hell they were taken out away from? Some say this is not trusting God. I say, it's the result of sin. Sin is what got that little girl into my home and sin is what leads me away from trusting in the Lord's plan... and the child is the one who is innocent...without a choice.
While I wait, I pray, Lord, I offer these children to you. Both the children who are found and the children who are silently crying for someone to discover the tragedy of their lives. Lord, allow me to trust in your greater plan. Take my little girl and walk with her throughout her life. Call her by name that she may know and trust in you. Bring justice to those who abused her. Give her grandmother strength to raise her. Light your fire in their lives. I lift up my worries, my anxiety, my pain. In your name I pray. Amen

Is It Ever Enough?

(This is a post that I had on my church's blog page)
We live in a world that bombards us with advertisements. Buy this! Enjoy that! You deserve to indulge. I find myself being tempted by most of the ads. If I use this lotion my skin won't age! This food will keep me healthy. The ads remind me of my desires. The desire for acceptance. The desire for beauty. The desire for attention. However, upon buying the products my desires only become deeper and greater. I find myself wondering, is it ever enough? When does it end? When do the ads become ugly billboards that prevent me from seeing the beauty in God's creation? When do I turn off the television and spend time with God in His creation? When do Gucci and Coach bags fade away and our true selves shine through? What are we trying to do when we indulge in these products? Why is my desire to own just one Louis Vuitton purse and other expensive accessories continually telling me to indulge? Who am I trying to be? And yes, a Mercedes Benz would be nice to drive. how do I get rid of these desires and be real with WHY I want these things. After reading 2 Corinthians 8 I have been very convicted. Verse 15 references to Exodus. The Israelites were given exactly what they needed. "And when they measured it by the omar, he who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little. Each gathered as much as he needed." Exodus 16:18.
Is this another sign of God's greatness? I may not be called to live the way anotehr does- but I have the opporunity to live live a life that has neither too much nor too little.
So I say good-bye to the dream of a Mercedes and hello freedom! For God will not only meet the desires of acceptance, beauty, and health, but he will meet my material needs as well. I hear his voice in my purchases, but it is my decision that keeps me either bonded in chains or frees me up to a life of "enough".
This is one of th emost liberating ideas of my walk with God. Knowing His love for me and His grace is one thing, but stepping into freedom and believing He WILL provide me with all that I need is another. May I continually trust Him and walk into freedom. May I share with others that God knows what is their "enough". He knows the needs of all and promises to provide.
Yet we must remember that His way of providing may not be the same way we imagine. Lord, forgive us of our desires!
I later read
"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant, nor put their hope in wealth which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to be good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life." 1 Timothy 6:17-19
Thus I come to a satisfying conclusion. If I look to meet my desires by indulging in them and continually seeking to fill empty holes with purchases then I find that NO it is NEVER ENOUGH. However, if I surrender myself and sell all that God is asking me to get rid of (both material and not material) and be like the man described in Eric's sermon then YES I will come to the place where it IS ENOUGH. God is more than enough. And he promises to provide me with not any more nor any less than what is enough.
May we continually seek to live in a lifestyle that is pleasing to the Lord. May we enter into a life that is full of promises and let go of our desires.
Thank you Lord, for freeing me from a life that promises me that it will never be enough.

Hola

I am welcoming myself to the century of blogs. It feels odd knowing that I will be posting my thoughts online, but i want to be part of the world of blogs! Anyway, I had to have a post to mess around with my settings. Adios.