when friends grieve

(this is a post of collection of rambled thoughts- written without much edit- as most of my posts are or else my thoughts would stay in my head. it is not intended to be the answer to helping those who grieve- and some might even disagree. the important thing is that when a friend is grieving you ask what they need (in time). It's also not a spiritual reflection on death- because whether we believe in eternal life or not- there is a sacredness to grief- a need to be able to grieve without being reminded of heaven- though there is hope in that message too- it's all very delicate. i am an advocate for letting people have the emotion they are having- we don't have to cheer things up- it's ok to be sad- to recognize loss...)

It's no secret that I am getting older- age hasn't caught up to my physical body in many ways- but the lives of those around me tell the story of age. More stories of death, sickness, the challenges of marriage, the difficulties of parenting, those stories are the ones I listen to the most. Mostly gone are the challenges of how to make baby food, potty train, and teach one to sit at the table.

Yesterday I went to the memorial service for the daughter of a friend I have known since college. Kim and I attended Grand Canyon University back when it was small and quaint- an unrecognizable place now. She played volleyball and I took weekend adventures to new places. There were 4 women who studied biology and a few of us working on liberal arts degrees. As we got closer to graduation we all started making plans- marriages, new jobs, new cities, new lives. Facebook wasn't up yet and we went our different ways. Her daughter Lily and my Bentley were born months apart. I went on to have Clayton and Lily and her twins, Dutch and Mayzie were born in 2013. It was that same year that our sweet friend, Nicole died tragically after the birth of her first son, Eddie. This event drew me back into relationship. David was in residency and we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a new capacity for keeping in touch with friends far away. Mayzie was born with a rare genetic condition and had complex medical needs. Though our children require very different things- there is a unique connection that draws us together. Last year when I was facilitating the AZ Partners in Leadership Program I was thankful Kim was able to participate and we were able to reconnect in new ways.

This winter a dear friend lost her mother- and it was been a lot of dark days. Another sweet friend of 22 years is raising 4 children and passionately in love with her husband who lives with the complications of Multiple Sclerosis. Then there are the stories of those who I am in contact with, but not as close- the ones who have lost children to overdose and parents to illness.

Learning how to walk with friends who grieve is as important and unknown as waking up to motherhood. It is my honor and obligation as a mother to provide the needs of my infants- and it is an honor and obligation to walk with friends in pain. There are books to read that help you know how to do this- but every story is so unique and coupled with our own traumas and perspectives on death every grief is it's own. For some shutting the curtains and being in the dark is the only way to cope. For others, get up and get out and do life brings relief. There is no right or wrong way to feel loss. Watching friends grieve has forced me to reflect on how to love and care- as I watch them navigate the challenges and shallowness of everyday life in the context of their pain. I am learning some important lessons that I would like to share:

1. When a friend loses a loved one it's not the time to ask, "What happened?"
The details of death are personal. If the person who has lost someone wants to let you in on those details they will- overtime. This takes a lot of self control. We are naturally curious about death. We want to know - but I have learned we must control our inquiry.

2. If you are very close with the person who is grieving don't wait for permission to love them and wrap your arms around them- just show up. This can be a fine line- and it could be met with rejection- but the rejection is not about you - and simply about what the person who is grieving needs. And when you show up - you don't need say anything. Just be present- being present will allow you to gauge what you should or shouldn't say.

3. Make food and drop it off. Often times when loss happens meal sign ups shortly follow.  For some the brought meals are a life saver- the thought of doing the mundane is unfathomable. Also with the potential for many visitors and the strain of finances- these meals can allow families to grieve together without worrying about another decision.

4. Death is uncomfortable. If a woman loses a husband, parents a child, the loss of a parent- a common response is to avoid talking about your husband/wife, child, parent... I recently listened to a TedTalk that suggested the avoidance of such talk makes the grieving one feel awkward and alone and unseen. Undoubtedly there is pain in watching others have something that you have lost- but when I share and love my children it invites me into the pain of the immensity of loss for the other person. Cherishing what is with us reveals the absence of what is lost. This is a delicate suggestion- and not one to hold in the beginning stages of grief- but over time finding a new way to hold loss and life together is essential for a balanced and true friendship.

5. Don't say "I could never do that". This is one I have been saying for years as we consider what life would be like if our own child had cancer or Down syndrome, etc... Yesterday Mayzie's father, Eric, in recognition of the strength and courage of Kim he said, "I believe mothers have superpowers that many will never use." He's suggesting that what Kim had to take care of Mayzie wasn't unique- though she is incredible- but he's empowering us to know that the strength and courage we need for any situation is in us and will be provoked to come to the front- when it's needed. Trust that truth.

6. Those who grieve don't move on, they move forward. Once there is a loss of someone very close- there is a new weight and heaviness that is carried. I remember when a friend suddenly lost a son that was only months old. In her incredibly vulnerable lament to a small group of women she said, "This is a loss that I will carry with me the rest of my life. He will always be with me in my heart and it will always hurt." Another friend said, "It's like my life has 2 parts now. The time before my mother's death and the time after." As friends we have the honor to tenderly hold the stories of our friends. To tenderly walk with them. Wiping the tears of the grieving is an invitation to
a holy moment.


I am not an expert on grief- I am not even an expert on friendship. I have failed my friends numerously- I have so many regrets. But I do listen well- and I ask a lot of questions. I have been reading the painful stories of others since I was a child in books and watching really difficult movies as long as I can remember. Good Will Hunting became a favorite when I was 15- and it wasn't because Matt Damon is extremely good looking- though it is true, he is. It was because I was drawn to the story of the film. I was drawn to the pain of the characters. This year has exposed me to more loss than years passed and I am listening to my friends- trying to honor their requests. And through that space I wanted to reflect on what I am learning- share it with you- so that when inevitably the time comes for you to walk with someone who grieves- you have a starting place.

This poem was read yesterday- and I'll leave it here. It's beautiful. It's raw. It's love.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

video of our trip

Trip stories...

The lost key...

I wrote about the key we lost in Ensenada... when we arrive in Guerrero Negro we paid for our site and then parked. As soon as we unloaded the kids Bentley reached in his pocket and said: MOM DAD! The key! It’s in my pocket! There’s no way to truly determine if he knew where the key was- and it certainly wasn’t worth stressing about- the key is found. We called Camilo and let him know we’d return it Sunday... during our stay in Bahia de Los Angeles we decided to try to return on highway 5 instead of 1 which meant we couldn’t return the key... I also realized Meghann - our host would truly enjoy the paddle board more than I would between now and October so agreed to return the key and get our lost paddle in Ensenada and I’d leave the kayak to get in a potential trip back in October... this is how these things work- the world of traveling Baja is small and connected- there is a  communal aspect that can’t be matched.

Bentley and the volleyball

Before crossing the border we stopped st a Walmart to buy a soccer ball for Clayton. Lily also picked a football and Bentley wanted a volleyball. We told him there’s be no where to play volleyball and convinced him to choose a playground ball. The next day after we had set up camp in Puertocitos and then taken it down when the car had problems we arrived at s hotel in San Felipe. The kids played after ate dinner and all the sudden bentley starts jumping up and down and announces: MOM DAS volleyball! Sure enough- there was a net. So we played volleyball with the playground ball.


The flat tire...

Just as we were leaving san Felipe this morning one of our tires popped. I asked for help and within 5 minutes we had 5 helpers to get the job done. We are so gracious for help. Clayton said we should give them chips but he calculated we only had about 6 more bags. I asked him if we should keep the chips or be generous and trust more snacks will come our way/ without missing a beat he had 6 bags of chips and began handing them out to the men who helped with the tire. His heart is so sweet.

Highway 5

David loved driving home on highway 5. Despite the many washed away bridges we could get VT in small detours. The suburban drove like a champ and we enjoyed the off road experiences.


The play

Lily was very afraid of getting stung by a stingray. There are sting rays in the area but we tried to convince the kids that if they shuffled their feet they wouldn’t be stung. She wrote a play about a little girl named Ella who was swimming around and get stung by a sting ray and it turned her into a mermaid. Her rather knew she needed help so he gave her a magic she’ll and she became a little girl again. She also used the magic shell to help the sting ray to become a friend.

It was a beautiful play and I wish I had taped it.

Vermilion Sea Resesrch Station

We haven’t had service since arriving in Bahia de los ángeles on Wednesday. Admittedly it’s odd to not know anything about the world or those I love- but we also experienced it for 6 weeks in Burundi so it’s not unbearable. We had a great time at the Vermilion Sea Field Station. Meghann and Kirk were wonderful hosts. They have cots that are made out of wood and canvas that fold up easily. We slept in them all 3 nights under the stars. The house has a big commercial kitchen with racks for all the dishes and cooking utensils. Everything is labeled for easy finding. It’s a rustic house - tile and concrete floors- the windows and doors are open almost all the time- which means you can always smell and hear the ocean. There is a bathroom about 30 feet from the house. It has a lock and if it needs flush you fill about 1/5 of a 5 gallon bucket and it flushes the toilet. Then you can wash your hands behind the bathroom and use that water to start a new flushing system. I love places like this because it allows you to constantly think of how to reuse materials. We do often just use without thinking of impact. The house is just off a beach which meant for 3 days we were covered in sand and salt water. 

Key Shanenagins and whales

Yesterday we woke up early and prepared breakfast for the 8 hour drive to Guerrero negro. We loaded up the entire car and then we couldn’t find the house keys to lock up our Airbnb. After some digging and thinking we remembered we separated the keys from the suburban keys so David and Bentley could go to the store while Clayton and Lily played with their friends. We started pulling out bags and David searched the whole house- we couldn’t find them. We knew it took it could take hours to unload the car and search for a tiny key so we notified the host- left some cash and started driving. I felt sick to leave this issue unresolved but I was also ready to move on. The drive was beautiful- very curvy and mountainous. The terrain also changes a lot. The kids did really well in the car. They enjoy audiobooks and reading and coloring and listening to music. Passing the southern border was easy- we just told them where we were going and where we were from. So far no one has asked for our passports or documents. 

We got to scammon’s lagoon around 4:00 pm. It’s located so remotely I can’t believe it even exists! There are some palapas along a dirt road - a tiny restaurant - and a little window where they sell tickets to see the whales. There is a salt factory as you enter - apparently it produces and sells a significant amount of salt.

We set up camp under a palapa for $20. The thing that made the kids- or at least Clayton- the most excited were 2 soccer nets on flat ground. He couldn’t wait! We pl

ayed some soccer and then sat outside to have dinner. The kids and David ordered grilled fish tacos. The food was delicious! During dinner we met a woman who is traveling with her daughter. The mom, Clara, is Spanish and Swiss- she grew up in Spain but has landed in Panama. Her daughter, Ella is 3 - full of sass and joy for life. Lily loved her. We took a nice long walk after dinner and said goodnight. We all went to bed and we all slept over 10 hours! David said he felt like a million bucks! 

In the morning we are a quick breakfast and headed out on the first boats to see the grey whales. When we got out just a bit further than where we are staying on the boats we began to see spouts of water coming up from their blowholes- everywhere. We saw several mothers and babies and many males. We some some spyhopping- a few tail flaps and some waves. My words probably can’t do the experience justice- and my videos probably can’t either (I can’t upload them until I edit). Clara and Ella joined us and so did a man from Switzerland. They all said that what we saw yesterday was really special. We were out on the boat for over 2 hours. 

We got back to our campsite- finished packing up and left for Bahia de los Ángeles. The drive was uneventful other than running into a man who’s truck had broken down with a dead battery. He started to tell us who in town to send for help and then said- “Me puedes llevar?” Sure! So he hopped in. We chatted and got him to the place we wanted and he turned and told us exactly where he lives and said, “If you ever need anything come find me.” I know he meant it.

I booked an Airbnb before we left - but had no idea what it was. I knew we’d need sleeping bags, but not beds. I also knew it was located on a beach and had some beach toys. 

When we arrived we realized I hit the jackpot. This place has been used as an educational Mecca for over 30 years. They’ve hosted many many groups and have a whole building set up for large groups- a giant commercial kitchen- lots of rooms and treasures abound. Our beds are handmade cots. They don’t fit in “our room” so we set them out on the beach and slept under the stars. There is another young couple staying here as well. They drove from Berkeley- not sure how they found the place. Cooper played Risk with Clayton and David and Lainey spent time with Lily. I also made us burritos with beans and rice and peppers. Everyone went to bed full and happy. This morning we woke up to the sunrise. Am I in a dream? I think I am. 

Fish tacos

Yesterday our host picked up David in the morning and drove him around to find a new starter motor. I stayed with the kids and they played in the courtyard. They had a fun time. David ended up leaving the starter motor at a place to get fixed instead of replacing it. The nice thing about having an older suburban is that it’s familiar to local mechanics who can fix things without too much fuss. We went to the beach and i played in the waves with the kids. We had a super fun time. We went back to the apartament and I made us some lunch- quesadillas con frijoles. Around 2 our host returned and took David to pick up the starter motor and brought him back and then put it in the car. We paid him and off he went. We celebrated by going into town- we walked around - bought a couple gifts and then had a feast for dinner. We returned home and the kids played while I packed. We woke up early- finished off the eggs and packed the car. In true style I lost the key to the apartment so we left some money (I’m sure I’ll find it in our stuff). Now we are off for our 8 hour drive to see the whales in Guerrero Negro. The kids are in good spirits and I’m ready to see something new. I don’t think we will have service... but I’ll catch ya up later.

Ensenada

We arrived in Ensenada yesterday around 2 pm. The drive was nice- very curvy through the mountains. Ensenada is one of mexico’s largest cities so there is lots to do. I booked an Airbnb just as we lost service leaving san Felipe. I didn’t get to do much searching and I hadn’t researched the area because we hadn’t planned to be here at all! I found a cheap place just a block off the beach. When we pulled in I was skeptical- the pictures can tell the story. David laughed at me and said- “Where’s your sense of adventure?? Don’t you remember the places we stayed in the south of Spain?” I guess I forgot about those! The man who showed us the apartment is also a mechanic so he said he’d help us in the morning with the car. We brought up all of our things as we were advised not to leave anything in sight. I was feeling a little lazy after a couple days so three flights with all of our stuff felt refreshing! After settling in we made some lunch (quesadillas with retried beans i had prepped in Tucson) and then we took a long walk down the beach. When we returned the kids immediately started playing with the kids in the neighborhood. Our apartment is in a large building and there are lots of kids that gather to play all kinds of games together. They all have rules that can mostly be explained with gestures and watching. I helped translate as needed, but mostly leave mine to interpret as they go. The neighborhood children are very sweet, energetic and thankful for new friends. The kids played for hours running around . We decided to cook at home again- (we haven’t eaten out once!) We walked about a mile to the store and bought avocados, lime, onion, and tostadas. I pre made rice before we left and brought cans of beans so we made a nice dinner. After dinner the kids all got showered and we watched a family movie. We have been completely technology free but it was nice with all the challenges and changes to have a night on the couch. The kids got right to bed and we all slept until 7. Thank God. For breakfast we made eggs and tortillas - a delicious Crawford specialty. Our host called around 9 and said he was on his way. He and David drove around and it seems we have a place that can replace the starter motor in the car. In the meantime we walked to the beach and the kids have been playing games and having fun. We are located south of the main drag in the more modest neighborhoods. In the distance i can see a giant cruise ship that has docked and the biggest Mexican flag (flag in general) I’ve ever seen! I’d like to make it down to the downtown area to try some food.

I feel so greatful for the experience the kids are having. They are well aware of the trash that lays all over the roads- the giant random holes, and those that dig for food and treasures in heaps of rubbish. They are at an age that we can begin talking about these things and talk about how to notice without judgment. I’m thankful that they are gaining a new perspective as well. They are being invited to see the poverty and the love. As they play with children who speak a different language and live a different life but play the same games and laugh st the world- it’s really beautiful. I couldn’t have planned this experience. I would have never known we’d choose an apartment in a neighborhood wit) such friendly children- I didn’t plan for the car to break nor to be in Ensenada at all. I’m thankful to have married a man who embraces chaos and the unknown- who can sit on a beach and relax while reading a book with our car sitting in a parking lot- no starter motor - in hopes that our host calls in the next couple hours to take him to a place to get it fixed.

I always loved the scene in the movie Titanic when Jack talks about not needing anything. He won his ticket in a bet- had the clothes on his back and smokes in his pocket- the world is just one adventure waiting to happen...

As our journey continues our motto stands- it’s not where you are- it’s who you know. And we have met some lovely people.