was it fate?

Two years ago this summer we were invited to a community BBQ. I didn't really want to go because I was depressed and I didn't want to see anyone, but I went to support a friend. And there they were... two women handing out fliers for a school.

The school's philosophy was explained to me as "place based education". Meaning education about math and science and language and everything is inspired by the place- maybe the classroom, or the school, or the neighborhood, or the city, or the state, or the world... but learning happens for a reason and it has a connection. 

The women were friendly- talking to everyone. I took a flier- never anticipating I'd hold on to it. I was afraid to even ask if they'd take my son because rejection was all too recent. I wanted to be able to promote the school to friends- and if I knew they wouldn't take my son, I'd never support it. That's the thing about Bentley that many don't understand... when you reject my son, you reject this deep part of this self- me. The part of me that carried him and birthed him and is working on raising him... and no rejection of him- whether I can explain it or not- is gonna be OK with me. You take him or you take none of us- that's just how I am. 

Eventually I mustered up the courage to ask if the school would accept children with disabilities. "Absolutely."  I think my heart dropped into the depths of the earth. In fact- I was so unsure of their words I didn't actually enroll him until several weeks later- a week before school. There are empty words in the world- and these words- they must be empty. 

The rest of the story is documented- it's on video and audio and pages on pages of reflection. Those words- they were not empty. They were full of truth. The kind of truth that changes you- every part of you. 

So today. Today was a day to write about in the books. Grace Lee Boggs turns 100 years old on Saturday. So today they had a celebration at the school to honor Grace. Many shared stories of how they met Grace or how even if they hadn't- how she has inspired them. It was the kind of afternoon I wish I would've recorded so I could replay it in my head over and over again. 

The Boggs school is all about community. Not the kind of fabricated community we choose for ourselves so we don't have to deal with conflict or challenges. Oh no- the kind of community that sees a person at the door and recognizes their place. It's comfortable to turn people away or to not be friends with those who think or believe or act differently than we would. But is it right? Who should we avoid and who should we love? And is avoiding people the answer? Bentley costs the school money and time resources and energy- but should he be denied access? And what does he offer? Does he offer joy and love and simplicity and love? And kids with behavioral problems from neglectful or abusive or painful homes or life stories- should they be turned away? Or should the community figure out a way to embrace them?  Grace Lee Boggs recommended you ask at least 10 people the answer to your question-then go back to the question and continue to reflect on it. It's not always about answers- but it is about change- and it's about collaboration and hearing others and their ideas. 

Questions were asked.... what is the role of the school in a community? How do the two interact with one another? What does the school expect from the community and what does the community expect from the school? 

I've been in Detroit for 7 years and I have seen a lot. Parts of the city are changing drastically. But what I saw today was decades of stories I don't have a clue about. Programs and friendships and dreams that go back far before I ever cared about schools and change and Detroit. The dream of having the Boggs School far exceeds my time here- and yet it was at the perfect time that it started and my son needed a school. We needed each other. 

I know that Bentley impacted the staff and students at the Boggs School- forcing everyone to confront their beliefs about education and people. I know that the confrontation was pure and right. I also know his effect on the school will outlive our time here. He will be remembered. I know this. But I also know that the school impacted me. My beliefs about myself, my family, my son, and how I see education are changing. You see- Bentley and Clayton were accepted into the elementary school closest to our home (though not the assigned school according to our address) yesterday. After months of prayer and agony and conversations we decided to go for the local school. The local school may not have all the things I had imagined a school my children attend having- nor does it have even a glimpse of the love, sweat and tears that the Boggs School has- but it has kids from our new community. It has walls and books and teachers and staff and it has hope. God- I pray it has hope. Hope to grow kids into adults who know and care and love.

So the beauty of today was so much more than a celebration of a century of one woman's life- but it was also the celebration of moving forward. I was surrounded by activists and dreamers and leaders today. People who hear your story and encourage you to not stop- never give up- but to push for what is right. The kind of group that makes you feel like you're leaving with a super hero cape and their hand prints all over it saying, "Go and change." And when I look back with a timid soul and fearful eyes they're smiling at me- the kind of smile I'm gonna offer my two boys on the first day of school that says, "You've got this. You already have what you need. And what you don't have- well you're about to learn it." 

And so it is.... the tattoo on my heart that the Boggs school staff has given me that will give me and remind me and help me- as we go forth- 

Thank you, you'll never know how much. 

spurring hearts of generosity

Part of living in a major city is that there are homeless and beggars everywhere. A common discussion is what to do when you're asked for money. In Detroit I am asked for money every time I fill my car up with gas, every time I enter the freeway at Lafayette and 375, and various other places. The free part of me wants to invite the beggar over for dinner, give him or her a ride, or buy the person some food. The reserved side of me says no- thinking the person might just buy alcohol.

I read something once that encouraged parents when approached by someone asking for money to invite the kids into the decision. I loved this idea because I have found children to be very generous. First of all, it isn't their money. There isn't a sense of ownership or work involved- it's just money. Secondly, I have found kids like to be helpful. They are curious about people in wheelchairs, curious about those who act differently, and wonder why someone would ask for money- and they want to help.

So today I stopped on Woodward  to fill my car up with gas. Lily announced she had to pee, but I told her she had to wait until we got Bentley from school- about a 10 minute drive. I finished pumping the gas and went to drive away and she started crying that she really had to pee. So we pulled up front and I took her into the gas station. On our way out a man approached me in front of the kids- after warning them about the icy sidewalks- and asked me if I had any money. I usually say, "No I am sorry I don't carry cash." But I happen to have a quarter in my pocket so I handed it to him. I got the kids in the car and realized I had money in a drawer- my heart began to pound- the kind of pound that requires a response. The man was walking away- I thought I should chase him- but I hadn't entered the kids into the conversation yet. So I waited. He came back and began looking for cans in the trash. I said, "That man asked us for money and I found this money here in the car- should we give it to him?" Clayton's reply, "NO- I AM NOT DOING MY SEATBELT AGAIN." - I reminded him that he didn't have to move- I would share the money- I just wanted to know if he thought I should. Lily's immediate response was, "YES! WE SHOULD GIVE HIM THE MONEY. MOM, GIVE IT TO HIM!" 

So I got the money in my hand and walked over to the man in front of my van and I said, "Sir, I found this money in my car." He thanked me- told me he's been sleeping on the streets for 10 years. I didn't know what to say. I just walked back to the car. I probably should've said that it was from my kids- but I didn't rehearse in my head- so the words just came out.... 

When I got back to the car I praised the kids for wanting to share the money. 

"Mom, why does he need money?" 

I led them through a series of questions- how do we get money? What does Daddy do? What does our money pay for? (food, clothes, apartment). What would happen if Daddy didn't have money? How would we get those things? Doesn't God ask us to share with those who don't have anything? Do you know he sleeps on the street every night when you're in your bed? Don't you think we have all the money we need to buy things? Shouldn't we share? 

They both agreed we should give money to people who don't have it. 

There are bigger theories and problems and things to talk about as they grow up. But since I have them in this sweet young stage I want them to learn kindness. If I can teach them to be generous and thoughtful now- I can only hope they'll learn to be generous as they grow. 

For now, we will continue to give away toys regularly (they do this so well!), share our clothes, give money when we have it in our pockets, hand out halloween candy, and give of our time. 

Most days I have no idea what I am doing in this parenting gig- but today I remember something I had read- and at the right time I was able to teach them....

look for ways this week to teach your kids about generosity- you'll really enjoy hearing their little hearts of love. :)

(photo of bird feeding off water was taken in Spain/2007 and photo of child taking cheerio from mom was taken The Village/2007).

the things we do in detroit

preschool groups, play, tiger's games, read books, be silly, laugh, enjoy the outdoors, and love each other!!

Homegrown

Dinner was so fun tonight!
Homegrown ingredients:
Eggs
Green pepper
Jalapeño
Green onion

Market fresh Michigan grown:
Tomatoes
Asparagus
Red pepper

Other:
Cheddar and mozzarella cheese

We'd like to eventually have a whole meal that we've grown/ raised!!

Garden growth

Cold crops are coming in strong!!

Kid heaven

It's so fun to have a kid yard!! 2 big kid swings will be hung soon. The swing set will be built in phases- next year we will add the slide and platform and then in 2 years the playhouse.

on communal living

When I began blogging several years ago it was always my intent to be open and vulnerable about my life. I decided this because I think it is important foremost as a Christian to walk openly and humbly before others so that
1. I continue to recognize my brokenness
2. I allow others to pray for me.

So this is one of those posts I'd rather not write because I do have some shame in it and it's a difficult issue to convey via text (vs. conversation). However, it is one of the greatest things in our life right now and there definitely is need for prayer.

So about a year ago David and I began pursuing the purchase of the home we now live in. Initially Scott and Kristen had discussed renting from us for a year and seeing how it went, but after realizing that there were a lot of decisions that we had to make involving the renovating of a home decided to join us in the process and presented the idea of buying the house with us. We quickly accepted the offer as it aligned with our vision of communal living. The first few months were filled with major house decisions and hundreds of hours of labor to avoid paying a contractor to do EVERYTHING. But alas the move in day arrived and we quickly made this house, home. Over the past year we have grown very close to Scott and Kristen. It has been an incredible year.

However, Scott and Kristen approached us a few weeks ago declaring their decision to move out and find a home of their own. There is no dissension, no bitterness. There was no major conflict or fight. In fact, other than the normal stuff we have lived very well together - addressing conflict immediately and praying and taking care of one another. There aren't in a rush to get out as they are looking to buy a home in this community and there aren't a whole lot of move in ready homes in Detroit. (They don't want to renovate a home again).

So currently we are living in this transitional place where Scott and Kristen are actively looking for a home while David and I are continuing to fix this one up. Once again, there isn't any awkwardness, but it is a different atmosphere. If I am completely honest with myself this house probably wasn't big enough for 2 families that want many children. While we are currently on pause (but still praying through foster care or adoption or biological), the Selle's are just beginning (no, they aren't pregnant!) So instead of waiting it out and cramming in kids, they thought they'd get settled into their own place, preferably nearby. I don't want to share too much of their story, since it is their story, so I will leave it at that.

Since this is MY blog I do get to share some of my story. :) Initially I was super bummed- and I can actually look back and see I went through the "grieving process". So first I experienced shock and denial. When they first told us I didn't sleep and I was really sad. Shortly after came the guilt and pain. So I began to think of all the things I did wrong and I have just done this or that differently they would've stayed with us. Then came the anger and bargaining. This is usually where I would stop feeling- so my feeling was more like- peace out- go do your thing. And I wanted to disconnect. But I decided early on to pursue our relationship with reconciliation through Christ rather than my response without Christ. Then came the depression. So feeling super bummed and just not really sure how to proceed. So then things started looking up. I experienced reconciliation. After countless hours of meetings and conversations I was able to see that I was going to be OK. :) Finally, acceptance and hope. Yes, Kristen and Scott are moving out. And yes, we are going to be OK. And I have started dreaming up all the things I can do now that they are leaving! (Like, giving Lily her own room, putting my sewing machine on the third floor, getting a dog, not having to be so quiet in the mornings with the boys, etc...)

Perhaps if you are reading this you are wondering why it's such a big deal. So here's the thing- the Selle's living with us, wasn't a financial decision and it wasn't a quick decision- it was a long drawn out decision rooted in the belief that communal living is not only doable, but valuable. As I've mentioned several times, David and I got to experience the beauty of communal living in Tucson through our friends the Brunsons, Cepins, and Cheryl- a community house going on like 15 years together. They even have kids (2 in each of the families). So after experiencing it through those friends I really wanted it for my own life and my children.  To make it work there are a lot of things that you have give up though. I am going to list some of the things that I have experienced, but please don't read them and assume the Selle's agree or disagree- once again this part of my post isn't about them. :) I think you have to give up the desire for me and mine- as in my kitchen will look this way all the time (because with more adults there are more messes/need to clean up)- or my children- and don't you discipline them! (because everyone in the house has a determined authority over the children or else they would begin to take full advantage of the non parents). Every major decision (or sometimes even the minor ones) have to be discusses among at least 4 people rather than the traditional 2. Space. You give up a lot of space when you're sharing space with others. But with the sacrifices come GREAT gains- only cooking a few times a week, but eating healthy homemade meals almost every night! Consistently having someone around to talk with. Experiencing life with a group of people. After parties there are 4 people to help clean up and not just 2. (we have a lot of gatherings here!)

The next question people tend to ask me is, "Are you going to have someone else move in?" And the answer is, "I don't know." We still believe in communal living, but we recognize that it is quite difficult to find people actually willing to do it! We could rent out the third floor, but we aren't sure if we are going to do that yet.

So anyway, pray for us. Pray that there would be continued unity in the home. Pray that the Selle's are able to find a home near us that allows them to continue to be missional in this community. Pray that David and I would use the time after they leave to enjoy living alone (it'll have been 4 years! Actually we have lived with people a lot- Steven during our first year of marriage, then we had Halie, then we moved to Ann Arbor and lived in the condo ALONE for a year-- then came Bentley, then the whole time we have lived in Detroit we have lived with people).

So anyway, look forward to seeing a post with a dog in it. Ha.

Of late

1. Bentley got ahold of a marker recently and he decided Lillian needed a tattoo.... All over her face.

2. We went to a park on the river yesterday and had a blast!

3. Clayton asked to color too while we were driving yesterday so I looked in the rear view mirror and saw Bentley with a lipstick open. That required a pull over ;) (not pictured)

4. We are having a serious sewage/plumbing issue so I'm staying at my friend Lisa's (avoid buying a house at all cost!!!!!!)

Snow!!!

It is coming down fast!!! So Clayton, Lily and I are reading books by the fire and watching if come down. ;)

oh detroit

So David and I belong to a church here called Mack Avenue Community Church . We've been attending for almost 4 years now. One of the things I love about our church is the commitment for members to a specific zip code of Detroit (48214). When you're looking at a decaying city of 143 sq miles you can't possible reach everyone- so we focus in on a specific area. I really like this because it feels like we can be part of change in a specific community for a large group of people. Our church does several large outreaches a year in attempt to reach out to our neighbors and help fill needs in this community. On Saturday we did our annual Thanksgiving Outreach called Boxes of Love. In each box of love is a large turkey and several boxes or cans to make a Thanksgiving dinner. We then meet together and go out in groups to deliver the boxes. David and I have criticized this outreach a couple times because we wonder if it encourages the cycle of poverty and waiting for people to do things for you. However, after our time Saturday I was reminded of how much I love this specific outreach. This year David and I were given the opportunity to go out together (often we split up to go with people who aren't from our church, but want to serve with us- but this year we didn't really have many from outside of our church helping). The first home we went to was our old neighbor from the VDP, Cleo and her adult daughter with cerebral palsy, Angie. Cleo and Angie live on the third floor of a home in a one bedroom/bathroom tiny apartment. Angie is confined to a wheel chair and in order to leave the house she must scoot down each stair while Cleo carries her wheelchair. Cleo has never allowed any of us into her home because she is embarrassed. On Saturday I convinced her to let me and David up! I was so excited! Upon entering we quickly realized that she is a bit of a hoarder- meaning to get around the apartment you must go through the paths that she has created for walking. Everything else is boxes and bags halfway up to the ceiling. Angie has a small room and Cleo has created a nook for herself in the living room. Going up to their apartment reminded me of the condition of Detroit. I see the burned out/boarded up houses all over- I see the prostitutes on the corners- the men hanging around the corner liquor stores- but it's rare that I am in the home of someone I care about who is from this community. The home smelled a bit like a hospital- a little like urine. Yet their joy for us visiting was overwhelming. I doubt they've had a visitor other than a social worker.... ever. We spent time talking and Cleo expressed her desire to find people to spend Thanksgiving with- at that point I wasn't ready to commit to guests because of the timing of this baby. As our time came to an end I asked if we could pray for them- as I was praying for them to find a better home for the two of them where Angie wouldn't have to climb stairs and for their relationships to better as Angie admitted to be mean and angry Cleo started sobbing. She expressed her loneliness and fear that Angie won't be taken care of when she's gone. It broke my heart. We have had frequent conversations with the Selles about our desires to connect with people from the community and be more hospitable- and here God revealed to me 2 women who are desperately looking to be cared for. Sometimes I am always looking for someone new to care for rather than taking care of the people God has already provided. You see people are messy- their needs are greater than what I can meet- their personalities aren't always compatible- their awkwardness is burdening- it would be easier to start a whole bunch of new relationships rather than follow through on the ones I have. After some thought and prayer we decided to go ahead and plan Thanksgiving even though the baby could still put a kink in our plans. :) So I called up Cleo and invited her and Angie to come over for a Thanksgiving meal on Thursday with our friends the Eggers and a single man from our church who usually eats pork and beans from a can on Thanksgiving. Her response- tears.



Here's an old picture of Angie when we bbq'd on the sidewalk- the best thing we ever did to begin connecting with neighbors!

So the next day David and I were walking to church when we saw smoke billowing from a house a couple blocks away. We were gonna take a bit of a walk anyway so we followed the smoke. We found a house burning to the ground and spreading to the house next door. A neighbor told us the original fire was started by some drug addicts who were using the abandoned house, but the one that it was spread to is owned by an elderly woman. We watched the homes burn for about 10 minutes and then walked to church- when we left the woman's roof was caving in.



our latest walking device to keep the kids insulated from the cold. (I found it used on craigslist- and we hadn't used it as a stroller yet- turns out it's perfect for rainy or cold weather!








a local liquor store near our house- right near the house fire.

It's true that their are needs in every community- the affluent communities have lonely people looking for friends and there are drug problems- but the needs in the inner cities of this country are far more apparent, deeper, and shameful. Abandoned homes in Detroit are perfect for the homeless, the user, and the abuser- they host a variety of problems and the need for them to be torn down is urgent. Cleo and Angie should be able to get housing that is suitable for Angie's disability, but for some reason she keeps getting rejected. I don't know how to change these circumstances, but not leaving is a demonstration that I am willing to try to fight for the injustices in this country. I'll tell you it's easy to live in Detroit and not engage with the problems and I have to daily remind myself to reach out to people I don't really feel like interacting with.

A reminder of the serious fun we have in this city: