Money has this funny way of determining our value. A person who has a high paying job is worth more than someone who has a low paying job. And when I say "worth" I don't mean monetarily speaking- I mean how they are valued in community. Some jobs obviously require more intellectual skill, time commitment to acquiring that skill- but that shouldn't change our value.
David is a doctor and I often avoid telling people his position at DMC because it changes how they see our family. Whether the change is positive or negative- I'd prefer that my husband's occupation not change the perceptions of others- particularly our value in community.
Last Sunday a man collapsed outside the sanctuary where he often is standing greeting everyone with a huge smile and handing out the weekly bulletin. There was a loud crash and then a yell from a member naming the person who had fallen. David quickly rushed to the back of the room with a few other medical professionals to care for the man. During the 15 minutes it took the ambulance to arrive one of the pastors prayed fervently for the care and life of this man, the other pastor lovingly finished his sermon- meanwhile those with keys prepared a way for the man to eventually be led out right through the front of the church (as that is the location of the ramp), the medical team took what care they could of him- and people I am sure were praying and caring for their beloved friend. When the EMS team arrived and took him out there were a lot of tears, prayers, and love- it was this beautiful picture of a community that values beyond arbitrary values. The man I speak of has a developmental disability- he's older- he is probably devalued in the broader community- but in his community- in his church he has value. All the people that came together to care for the larger church as they sat silently wondering what would happen next- needed to do their tasks- their jobs. At one point someone said, "He's in good hands- there's like four doctors out there." It struck me a little- yes, I am so so so comforted that my husband is a doctor and can help at times like this.... but I don't ever want his value to be elevated because of it.
David and I have been living on very little income our entire marriage. There were years when we didn't go out to eat, get a hair cut, buy new clothes, etc... As income started coming in at the beginning of residency we set a budget- part of the budget was a separate debit card for me to make sure I didn't overspend buying diapers and then all the "oh but it was so cutes" at Target. I still have access to the other accounts, but I budgeting is a weakness so this was a good way to be responsible- though I still snuck some unnecessary things on the other accounts... I don't earn an income so by definition many would say I don't work. "What do you do?" I am always asked. Usually I say, "Nothing- I stay home with our 3 kids." Though I should say-- I am a chef, a laundry mat service, a counselor, a pastor, a house cleaner.... I just don't get paid in money. My payment is immeasurable smiles, cuddles, kisses, and laughs. On a serious note though- there are days it feels like David's money and I am lucky enough to spend it- I don't even have to do anything for it! This adds a dysfunction to our relationship because then he's either my parent saying yes or no to spending or simply my ATM- but not my partner in finances. So in a starter conversation we began discussing what it would look like to see the money as our money to save, spend, and give away. It's not just the money and how it is spent or saved, but it's how he sees me as partly earning the money in the sense that I take care of things on the home end so he can go be a doctor and earn the money we need to live- but neither of us is more valued than the other... It comes down to value- our values in this family are equal as husband and wife- not what we bring to the table. the end.
Today was Bentley's last day of speech therapy at the Wayne State University speech clinic. He has been going for over 3 years. Every semester he has worked with a different student. To be honest, they all blend together- I can't remember a single individual student- except for Nan. I'll never forget Nan. This semester Bentley began working with her- she's short, extremely energetic, fun, thoughtful, kind, encouraging, and motivating. She and Bentley bonded. You may remember I wrote my lament about Bentley not being understood/valued/loved last fall. I wrote that it wasn't about that particular speech therapist- because it wasn't- this one however, is. Nan is a student working to become a speech therapist. She'll probably make OK money- but she will work hard for it. But it's not about the money- it's about the value. Nan opened my son up this semester to all new possibilities. He flew threw his goals. He listened to her, laughed with her, played with her- enjoyed her. All semester long people have commented on Bentley's speech progression- it's been so encouraging! So today when it was time to say good- bye- Nan handed off Bentley- quickly walked away, and turned back at least 4 times as she escorted her next client- almost as if to soak in the fullness of Bentley to stamp him in her mind and in her heart and then turned the corner. Bentley of course is unaware of this eternal good bye and laughing and pulling my arm- and I'm left standing there to choose- choose to have a tearful breakdown or suck it all in and walk out. I chose the latter.
As I sit here and think about our work- what we do- I am struck by the beauty of the woven tapestry. Whether you're the teacher or the student, the high paid professional, the out of job one, the therapist or the client... your work matters. Your value to the community has nothing to do with your pay check, and everything to do with your gifts. The money comes in and goes out, but it's the impact you make on others that lasts. So make your impact and forget about the fleeting money because this world is in desperate need of more valuing of people and less valuing of finances and things.
4.29.2015
you need only be still
As I reflect back on this year's study of the life of Moses I see again and again the parallels between my journey and that of the Israelites.
I, too, was once a slave bound by sin. I was living my life in the darkness of the enemy. Slaving away to his scheming plans of building his kingdom here is just like the Israelites slaving away to build Pharaoh's kingdom. They had no freedom, no opportunities, no will to choose.... until Moses. Although my opportunity to follow Christ was made way centuries before I was born- I had to choose and whether I will stay in the darkness of slavery or faithfully and loyally walk into the Promised land.
When I first became a Christian I was unaware of all the things Scripture had to say... I found myself wanting to drink in all I could. I would read and read the Bible- absorbing every truth and every thought and every promise. I see this happening in the lives of the Israelites- anxious to hear from Moses all that God had told him.... wanting so desperately to know God. Yet, still prone to their sin of turning away they made idols in waiting to hear... How often do I turn to yet another idol while waiting to hear what God has to say to me? "Lord, you're too slow! I need my answers. Where are you Lord?" I demand. I ask questions. And when I feel abandoned I, like the Israelites, turn away. Even when scriptures affirms me over and over again like in Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." However, I do get afraid and I do get discouraged and more and more so as I move away from His promises and into my brokenness.
But the Lord is constant and he advises as again and again- as in Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." And so I return. Broken for all of my faults- my sins- my pains- longing to be built again.
I, too, was once a slave bound by sin. I was living my life in the darkness of the enemy. Slaving away to his scheming plans of building his kingdom here is just like the Israelites slaving away to build Pharaoh's kingdom. They had no freedom, no opportunities, no will to choose.... until Moses. Although my opportunity to follow Christ was made way centuries before I was born- I had to choose and whether I will stay in the darkness of slavery or faithfully and loyally walk into the Promised land.
When I first became a Christian I was unaware of all the things Scripture had to say... I found myself wanting to drink in all I could. I would read and read the Bible- absorbing every truth and every thought and every promise. I see this happening in the lives of the Israelites- anxious to hear from Moses all that God had told him.... wanting so desperately to know God. Yet, still prone to their sin of turning away they made idols in waiting to hear... How often do I turn to yet another idol while waiting to hear what God has to say to me? "Lord, you're too slow! I need my answers. Where are you Lord?" I demand. I ask questions. And when I feel abandoned I, like the Israelites, turn away. Even when scriptures affirms me over and over again like in Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." However, I do get afraid and I do get discouraged and more and more so as I move away from His promises and into my brokenness.
But the Lord is constant and he advises as again and again- as in Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." And so I return. Broken for all of my faults- my sins- my pains- longing to be built again.
God's commandments are a reminder to the Israelites their inability to achieve holy perfection. His word reminds us the same. Yet unlike the Israelites who must return again and again to the knee deep blood of the shed animals for their sins we have our sweet Jesus Christ who has shed his blood once and for all. The freedom to know that faith in Him is enough to be clean is only fully understood after studying the original sacrifices for sin.
I am often baffled by the ways of God- confused by knowing God is all forgiving and yet strikes Aaron's sons dead at their disobedience and by those associated with Korah in Numbers 16 when the earth swallowed them up, and grieved by Moses' response to disobey God when he struck the rock rather than speak to it- thus leaving him to never enter the Promised land.
I am awed by God's sovereign hand protecting the Israelites in His holy wars as he moved them through to the land that was promised. I am comforted by Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
When asked if I agreed with God for not allowing Moses to enter the Promised Land I had to answer that I didn't. My human mind struggles to know the ways of the Lord- desiring for His forgiveness over and over again rather than acknowledge His wrath and His holiness. Again I was reminded that God didn't deny Moses entrance into the heavens, but only into the earthly land... His disobedience was not enough to separate Him from God forever- or even at all- but the consequence was not leading the Israelites into the promised land... Moses was given the opportunity to train Joshua knowing His time to lead on earth was over which was itself a reminder he hadn't been cut off.
As I think about the promised land concerning the Israelites and parallel that land to the Promised land of Christ I see how my faulty thinking has it's own set of consequences- though not enough to separate me from the love and forgiveness of Christ.
God has saved me from my slavery, and He has written His laws on my heart, and I am trying so hard to not wander aimlessly through this world- I don't want to pass 40 years in the desert of loss- I want to move forward with a Kingdom mind and heart to do all that God has for me and my family. Yet again and again I wander away from Truth- from Life- from Holiness- and into my own will centered idolatries that do nothing but harm. And yet again- God patiently and lovingly beckons me back under His gracious arms and into His loving heart.
Though the Lord has not taken me to a mountain to look out over His heavenly kingdom as Moses was able to see at the end of His life- He does give me glimpses into the Kingdom of God. I look at my six year old son with Down syndrome who the world has decided is not compatible with life and know that He was knit in my womb and brings a mystery of the kingdom to those who know and love him- I see the hands of trained medical workers give up large salaries and a life near family in opportunities to train hundreds of medical workers in east Africa where genocides once reigned and countries were left with literally no speciality doctors and few general doctors- I see those longing to bring justice here in this country to those who have been denied for centuries. I see the greatness in small offerings and the beauty in caring for the weak... and all those moments are shining light into the Kingdom of Christ that sets the world on its head declaring His rule and His reign are here and now and we get to walk into that freedom.
Though I stumble and wander-I return. I return to my first Love- to my Abba who I am reminded through the life of Moses that I am loved, comforted, protected, and guided. Though I want to fight my battles using my own strength to bring forth what often are my own desires I am humbly reminded again and again of those words in Exodus- which I think brings me back to the center of this study. The reminder that my stillness is the results of my faith in knowing that God Almighty has me in the palm of His hand- that though I walk through life and trudge through pain and experience persecution I am equally safe, protected, and guided and I will hold these words close to my heart forever:
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
4.15.2015
as the journey unfolds
Life is a great mystery. As a young child I didn't have the capacity to imagine what it would be like to continue this journey called life-the great joys, the deep heart breaks- the mass beauty-- it was all unfathomable. I'd become a teacher and have some kids and live in a house and have neighbors- but oh no- life is so so much more intricate- detailed- intense than that.
There are several facets of life that are in transition right now, but the one I long to share with you about is in regards to career.
About 9 years ago we took in a sweet child from the foster care system. She was 4.5 years when she came to live with us. She was a therapeutic foster care placement which meant she had higher needs. She was basically non verbal, not potty trained, very thin- labeled failure to thrive. She had experienced intense abuse her whole life. She was a challenge. But she also changed us. She had this adorable laugh and this huge smile and a love to play. She'd run around the yard with our 2 big dogs laughing and playing. She didn't make friends well- she usually tried to stab them with a fork or bite them with her mouth- but she was working on that. She was in a special needs school which I promptly removed her from and placed her with her peers- inclusion wasn't on my radar- except that it was already planted in my soul. At the end of our year with her David was accepted in medical school at Wayne State in Detroit so we bought a condo in Ann Arbor where she'd be in a good school district and worked on adopting her- but the case worker changed her mind- mostly because it would be too much work to coordinate with another state- it was a huge heartbreak- one that took years to heal from.
During David's first year of medical school there was the genetics panel. He came home telling me about all these adorable kids with Down syndrome and how they were so cute- he just fell in love with them. I was pregnant with Bentley- we didn't know he had Down syndrome... I said, "We should adopt one!" He laughed and said, "Well you can't-- there's a waiting list..."
Enter Bentley. I write about this kid all the time- cause he is changing us all the time. Life is all about change. Kids change you- it's true- but a kid with a developmental disability bring his own life changing paths. He has opened my eyes to the injustices, the segregation, and the struggles families with kids with disabilities face.
David choose to do his residency in the internal medicine and pediatric program at Detroit Medical Center. He wanted to be challenged with complex medical cases- be able to work in or out patient, and be able to treat the whole family. He has had the most amazing experience in residency. The hours are terribly long, but he loves what he does.
In October David signed a contract to work with a local Tucson clinic called El Rio. El Rio is a federally qualified health center- so that basically means this: federally qualified health centers (FQHCs) include all organizations receiving grants under Section 330 of the Public Health Service Act (PHS). FQHCs qualify for enhanced reimbursement from Medicare and Medicaid, as well as other benefits. FQHCs must serve an underserved area or population, offer a sliding fee scale, provide comprehensive services, have an ongoing quality assurance program, and have a governing board of directors. Certain tribal organizations and FQHC Look-Alikes (an organization that meets PHS Section 330 eligibility requirements, but does not receive grant funding) also may receive special Medicare and Medicaid reimbursement.
He was so excited to work in this environment.
A couple weeks ago he received an email from a woman in Tucson who works for a place called Childrens Clinics at Tucson Medical Center (click to see you link :). The facility is looking for a med/peds doc who can take care of kids with medically complex cases and special needs. They currently have a few part time pediatricians, and are looking to hire a physician trained as an internist, but also with pediatrics to fully care for these kids and their families. The challenge with kids as they age out of pediatrics is that their medical care has proven to go down and things that were once controlled are not now. Also physicians who deal with adults don't always do well serving the people with disabilities population because they're not used to dealing with parents and caregivers in addition to patients. I probably will write more on this and use research to explain more thoroughly, but you get the idea.
So David went through a few interviews and visited the facility and received a contract to sign. :) But he had one major obstacle- he had already signed with El Rio- who works closely with Childrens Clinics.... well he called yesterday and with grace and a blessing they released him from his contract and hope to collaborate in the future.
So now David is going to be working less than 2 miles from the house we just bought. He's going to be caring for people with disabilities. He's walking the journey that makes total sense for our family.
A physician who cares for families caring for children with disabilities while simultaneously raising a son with a disability makes total sense. It's exactly what our family needs to be doing and it's exactly what he needs to be doing.
God is opening up doors that I didn't even know existed. I never imagined being part of the community of special needs. Ever. But I am fully embracing this path and I am so excited to see the journey unfold.
There are several facets of life that are in transition right now, but the one I long to share with you about is in regards to career.
About 9 years ago we took in a sweet child from the foster care system. She was 4.5 years when she came to live with us. She was a therapeutic foster care placement which meant she had higher needs. She was basically non verbal, not potty trained, very thin- labeled failure to thrive. She had experienced intense abuse her whole life. She was a challenge. But she also changed us. She had this adorable laugh and this huge smile and a love to play. She'd run around the yard with our 2 big dogs laughing and playing. She didn't make friends well- she usually tried to stab them with a fork or bite them with her mouth- but she was working on that. She was in a special needs school which I promptly removed her from and placed her with her peers- inclusion wasn't on my radar- except that it was already planted in my soul. At the end of our year with her David was accepted in medical school at Wayne State in Detroit so we bought a condo in Ann Arbor where she'd be in a good school district and worked on adopting her- but the case worker changed her mind- mostly because it would be too much work to coordinate with another state- it was a huge heartbreak- one that took years to heal from.
During David's first year of medical school there was the genetics panel. He came home telling me about all these adorable kids with Down syndrome and how they were so cute- he just fell in love with them. I was pregnant with Bentley- we didn't know he had Down syndrome... I said, "We should adopt one!" He laughed and said, "Well you can't-- there's a waiting list..."
Enter Bentley. I write about this kid all the time- cause he is changing us all the time. Life is all about change. Kids change you- it's true- but a kid with a developmental disability bring his own life changing paths. He has opened my eyes to the injustices, the segregation, and the struggles families with kids with disabilities face.
David choose to do his residency in the internal medicine and pediatric program at Detroit Medical Center. He wanted to be challenged with complex medical cases- be able to work in or out patient, and be able to treat the whole family. He has had the most amazing experience in residency. The hours are terribly long, but he loves what he does.
In October David signed a contract to work with a local Tucson clinic called El Rio. El Rio is a federally qualified health center- so that basically means this: federally qualified health centers (FQHCs) include all organizations receiving grants under Section 330 of the Public Health Service Act (PHS). FQHCs qualify for enhanced reimbursement from Medicare and Medicaid, as well as other benefits. FQHCs must serve an underserved area or population, offer a sliding fee scale, provide comprehensive services, have an ongoing quality assurance program, and have a governing board of directors. Certain tribal organizations and FQHC Look-Alikes (an organization that meets PHS Section 330 eligibility requirements, but does not receive grant funding) also may receive special Medicare and Medicaid reimbursement.
He was so excited to work in this environment.
A couple weeks ago he received an email from a woman in Tucson who works for a place called Childrens Clinics at Tucson Medical Center (click to see you link :). The facility is looking for a med/peds doc who can take care of kids with medically complex cases and special needs. They currently have a few part time pediatricians, and are looking to hire a physician trained as an internist, but also with pediatrics to fully care for these kids and their families. The challenge with kids as they age out of pediatrics is that their medical care has proven to go down and things that were once controlled are not now. Also physicians who deal with adults don't always do well serving the people with disabilities population because they're not used to dealing with parents and caregivers in addition to patients. I probably will write more on this and use research to explain more thoroughly, but you get the idea.
So David went through a few interviews and visited the facility and received a contract to sign. :) But he had one major obstacle- he had already signed with El Rio- who works closely with Childrens Clinics.... well he called yesterday and with grace and a blessing they released him from his contract and hope to collaborate in the future.
So now David is going to be working less than 2 miles from the house we just bought. He's going to be caring for people with disabilities. He's walking the journey that makes total sense for our family.
A physician who cares for families caring for children with disabilities while simultaneously raising a son with a disability makes total sense. It's exactly what our family needs to be doing and it's exactly what he needs to be doing.
God is opening up doors that I didn't even know existed. I never imagined being part of the community of special needs. Ever. But I am fully embracing this path and I am so excited to see the journey unfold.
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