a case for empathy

I have been thinking a lot about consumerism as we approach another sacred holiday that has been bombarded with consumer markets selling things to help us celebrate. I have a really difficult time understanding the relationship between baskets and chocolate and bunnies and eggs and Jesus. If you celebrate all these things this weekend, please don't feel judged by me. I am not posting this to point towards any specific person or family- but I am just asking the questions.

I read a blog today about the importance of teaching kids the concept of earning things and not having things handed over. Things come at a cost, and we have entitled children. I appreciated the blogger's thoughts and I considered them for awhile...  I recently bought a book about teaching kids about money called The Opposite of Spoiled- I haven't finished so I won't write a review... but I'll just add that I have spent some time thinking about this.  Another note I'll add before I move on is that my children are 7,6, and 4- so I don't have this parenting thing figured out- I can help with some baby and toddler advice, but I certainly don't have the years of experience to reflect on how my parenting effected our children.

The other piece of important information before I go on is the idea of empathy. Recently we moved Clayton to a school called The Idea School. It's based on a philosophy of education that kids are intrinsic learners and the teacher only need guide the child. You can read more about it here . We have placed Clayton in this school because he needed a place that approached education gently, where the class sizes are small, and where he learns to love to learn. In addition, the school is an Ashoka school. This basically means that they are growing kids in their understanding of having empathy for one another. One example is that instead of teaching a child not to hit their friend because they'll have a consequence for their action, but to teach them not to hit their friend because their friend doesn't like it- because they love their friend and don't want to do things that a friend doesn't like. I've always carried "the gift of mercy" as they say- meaning I sense and empathize the burdens of those around me... However, we as a family have really grown in this area since the birth of Bentley. Teaching our children to have empathy for one another is a means of survival when dealing with a child with an intellectual disability. Yet the lesson that I've learned is that empathy is essential for all kids to learn how to care for one another- to understand where they're coming from...

So today as I was reflecting on an entitled generation- on the cheap cost of toys and things... I am reminded that it might not be the cost of things that will lead us not to purchase... I don't know if we as a culture have more money than a couple decades ago when my family was purchasing me gifts, but I am pretty sure that our outsourcing products to other countries lowered the cost allowing us to buy more. I don't know how and why people make the purchases they do... I don't read consumer reports. But I do know that we live in a global economy and everything is connected now. I also know that the workers' conditions in developing countries where our things are being made or dismal at best. I recognize the argument for their "job security" and "life opportunities" because of these products- but I also know that's not always the case- like when the huge factory collapsed in Bangladesh killing 1000 workers.

Here's what I do know... I know that teaching kids to care for someone else is possible. I know that teaching my kids to say hi to kids in wheelchairs and teach them how to play with kids in chairs, to play with kids with Down syndrome, and to befriend those with autism are steps towards empathy. I also know when we look at the pictures from our time in Burundi Clayton asks a lot of questions- and we try our best to describe what it was like to be in a place that didn't even have the litter of chip bags and bottles and toys because the people were far too poor to ever imagine such things. I know that if I showed the kids pictures of other children and adults working in factories for poor wages to make things for us they would be saddened by that.

I am not sure that our problems are in teaching kids that they must earn the things they want or that they must work hard in life or that they need to be thankful and not entitled... I think what our kids need is more opportunity to have empathy for their fellow brothers and sisters around the world. This week I was reminded in Colossians 3 this verse:

5 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

What I am trying to say is that I don't think it's enough to teach kids to resist purchasing because of the cost in dollars, I think we have to teach kids the resist purchases because of the cost of life. 

We are one body. The children in Bangladesh and India and China and Haiti and Burundi are in the same Christian body as my children and we are called to peace. And we are called to gratitude. 

So whether you are a Christian and are remembering the sacred Good Friday and Easter Sunday or you follow or don't follow another religion I think this is a message we can all share. People matter. The important thing for me is that my children learn to not only want things, but that they don't want things if it is hurtful to another person... and so I'll continue to the conversation of empathy with them. 


And to my brothers and sister in Christ... may we reflect on the cost of the cross, our countless sins, and the beauty of salvation-- may we teach our children and those around us to truly love our brothers and sister and not just those who live in the boundaries of this country. 
May we love well.

(Note: The first part of Colossians 3 is full of passages that express my thoughts here.)

seatbelt moments

As westerners we have this idea that we can control our lives which then controls our fears. So when something unexplainable happens- something like the birth of a child with a genetic abnormality that has no scientific explanation- it can really rock our reality as we know it. Science can actually prevent even this human experience now; with 90% of women aborting a child with a diagnosis of Down syndrome- and even higher rates when caring a child with Edward syndrome or the numerous other things that can be picked up through pre natal screening and ultra sounds... it just shows our desire to control our lives. Carrying a child that has a less than perfect future is now "incompatible with life". We want to avoid the pain and struggles of having a child with a medical or developmental disability. This is only a magnified example based on my personal experience- we actually control our lives in hundreds of other ways that we are unwilling or unable to acknowledge.

  




When Bentley was born and the diagnosis was delivered I was out of control. I had this beautiful infant that I had just birthed. I immediately felt bonded to his weak body, and yet there was a painful reality that all that was to come was out of my control. His heart condition, his need for glasses, his need for ear tubes, and a tonsillectomy, and his inability to use the toilet until just under 5, his frequent messes, his inability to make decisions based on safety, his overall frustrating nature that I deal with every single day- all of those things are out. of. my. control. And let me tell you- I am constantly trying to gain control.

Much of my life is yielded by my ability to control. I eat healthy foods and exercise so I can stay fit and healthy. I read the news so I can contribute to conversations and know about the world. I do laundry and dishes and clean up so I live in a clean environment. I went to school so I could get a good job. I read to my children so they will get smart. I take them to see things so they can have a nice experiential childhood. I look for good schools for the kids so they will enjoy school and learn. My list could go on and on and on. I love control.

Bentley has thrown my system of control into chaos. He is not predictable and not controllable.



According to Skye Jethani in his book, With,  Christians are constantly seeking control of their lives to avoid their fears. Yet the Bible is quite clear that as Christians we have no reason to fear. Though there is no manual for raising a child with Down syndrome and everything about him causes me to seek the answers of anything around me- there are really no answers. I am left fully relying on God to help through any given moment- yet I often don't.

 Lethani suggests we seek to mitigate fear by taking control in four different ways.

1. We seek to control the world by securing God's blessings via rituals and/or morality. In other words: We can control the world by controlling God. So we become focused on behaviors. So everything on the outside looks good- I have a job, I got to church, I give things to people - and because of things God will help me. He is on my side.



2. We seek control by following life's principles and natural law. Want to avoid catastrophe? Then take control of your own life. With the best doctor or the best medication and the best school and the best job... you can have the life you want. You choose the outcome of your life. Eat good foods- avoid cancer. Get cancer: find the best oncologist in the country and still eat the best foods... control control control...



3. We seek control by placing comforts around ourselves so we don't have to experience pain. So God's value is determined by His usefulness. Religion is a means to an end. It's all about consuming. We have comfortable things and live comfortable lives and God is a comforting God as he gives us what we need. Essentially we put ourselves at the center and ask God to orbit around us. In practice this is us filling our lives with possessions and experiences in an attempt to distract us from the fears and pains of life.



4.  We seek control- God's favor- through faithful service. The false belief is "God is disappointed with me because of my ongoing struggles with some behavior. He expects more from me. And he cannot use me to accomplish his work in the world until I clean up my act."  Or this is also displayed when Christians value missionary work at a higher standard than their "secular" professional friends. We believe this service will be more effective for God's kingdom- but is that true?  We begin to see ourselves entirely based on what we are able to accomplish on God's behalf. Even sin in our life is seen through this lens- how effective can I actually be for God? We cannot put mission above God himself. My value is not determined by what I do. My value was already determined when Christ gave himself up for me.

These forms of control are easy to be masked over long periods of time- especially when they work. The more we control our lives, the less we see the control as an actual problem. It is when our desire to control ocean wave collides into the rocky banks of shore that we begin to see our faulty beliefs.

I was exposed at my inability to control with 1,2, and 3 early on. From a failed adoption when everything was right on paper, to a "failed healthy baby" and going back to a childhood when I couldn't control my parents' decisions- I have been well aware of my inability to control. Yet even though I know I can't control I am still constantly trying to gain more of it! Number 4 was exposed in the past couple years with a traumatic church experience. I was firmly rooted in the fact that what I did gave me purpose. The more I could do the more purpose I had. When everything was stripped away and I was only left with my little family my purpose fell into the depths. It was during that time that I fell into a deep depression followed by a really challenging year. It has taken many many conversations, and books, and sermons, and prayer for me to really come to the point where I believe my purpose is being loved by my Creator. And I don't have to do a thing. This is something that words really cannot express, but it is a life changing belief system.

The problem with control is that even when you can explain it and understand it- you can't stop trying to have it. At least I can't.

The problem with Bentley is that he is teaching me how out of control I am every. single. day.



This morning we got in the van to rush off to church. Clayton gets in his seat- seatbelt on- no problem. Lily is in her seat- I strap her in. Good to go. Enter Bentley. Not in his seat. Finally in his seat. Refuses to put his seat belt on. I certainly could put it on for him- but I see this is a life lesson. I am not going to do things for him that he can do himself. It's my line. I've drawn it in the sand. Yeah- draw lines in the sand for a child with a disability and we will have laughs for days. It doesn't work. This experience- this small example of what goes on all day every day is a constant reminder of my inability to control my son and often my temper. I want to yell, "PUT ON YOUR DAMN SEATBELT. IT'S NOT THAT HARD!" Of course I don't swear at my children out loud. But I know I shouldn't be anger and short of temper either. But it's not today and it's not the seatbelt. It's everyday for the last 6.5 years. And it gets old. And my patience is not getting longer.

So this morning- before the sermon, but after the book- I was reminded that it's not about getting to church. No, Bentley doesn't care about arriving on time. It's about that moment. The moment the seatbelt became an opportunity for me to get out the pent up anger because my son is a constant reminder that A+B doesn't equal C. But it's also the moment that God was a quiet presence in my car reminding me that He loves me. And it's not about getting the kids dressed and in the building and to the Sunday school where they'll learn about Jesus and grow up to be God loving Christians... because life doesn't do that. And it isn't the moment where I use my ability to control my response for the sake of controlling the response. But it's the moment where I felt the presence of God with me and for me. The moment where I felt like I get to to be a frustrated mom of an unexpected child that I so deeply love. The moment where I recognize my out of control circumstances that bring me closer to the heart and need for God.



As I reflect on the things I am trying to control and release them I see so much freedom ahead. Sending the kids to the best school I can get them into doesn't promise their happiness or their success. So I can stop controlling- and ultimately stop from being afraid. Not worrying about if I am late or not because Bentley is taking too long frees me to be patient and kind instead of short tempered and frustrated- I don't have to be afraid of what others think if I am late- or worse- what I think of me if I am late. Reminding David of every stop sign and pot hole and curve in the road does not control if we get in a car accident- it feeds my fear of life- and I don't have control of it. Reading my Bible and and praying and doing everything right doesn't control God's response- it doesn't control if I have all the right answers- and it doesn't control my behavior. It's helpful- it's freeing- but it can't control my outcomes nor how much I am loved.



And so I come back to the center where I am reminded that I am loved. I don't have the answers and I don't have control. I am trying to enter more into faith and out of fear. I don't have answers, only experiences. But I do know that it is a lot better to live in the freedom of knowing that I can let it all go then it was when I thought I could mold my life as I desired. The unplanned life- it's an adventure worth living. Keep that in your back pocket and remind me- cause I'm gonna forget in the morning.

Peace.


This post could only be written because of the inspiration from the book With by Skye Jethani, our pastor Kevin Butcher and his sermon this morning, as well as from the daily life lessons from Bentley John Crawford. (and with much thanks to Loud Harp's new album: Asaph).

you need only be still

As I reflect back on this year's study of the life of Moses I see again and again the parallels between my journey and that of the Israelites.

I, too, was once a slave bound by sin. I was living my life in the darkness of the enemy. Slaving away to his scheming plans of building his kingdom here is just like the Israelites slaving away to build Pharaoh's kingdom. They had no freedom, no opportunities, no will to choose.... until Moses. Although my opportunity to follow Christ was made way centuries before I was born- I had to choose  and whether I will stay in the darkness of slavery or faithfully and loyally walk into the Promised land.

When I first became a Christian I was unaware of all the things Scripture had to say... I found myself wanting to drink in all I could. I would read and read the Bible- absorbing every truth and every thought and every promise. I see this happening in the lives of the Israelites- anxious to hear from Moses all that God had told him.... wanting so desperately to know God. Yet, still prone to their sin of turning away they made idols in waiting to hear... How often do I turn to yet another idol while waiting to hear what God has to say to me? "Lord, you're too slow! I need my answers. Where are you Lord?" I demand. I ask questions. And when I feel abandoned I, like the Israelites, turn away. Even when scriptures affirms me over and over again like in Deuteronomy 31:8 "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  However,  I do get afraid and I do get discouraged and more and more so as I move away from His promises and into my brokenness. 

But the Lord is constant and he advises as again and again- as in Joel 2:12 "Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." And so I return. Broken for all of my faults- my sins- my pains- longing to be built again. 

God's commandments are a reminder to the Israelites their inability to achieve holy perfection. His word reminds us the same. Yet unlike the Israelites who must return again and again to the knee deep blood of the shed animals for their sins we have our sweet Jesus Christ who has shed his blood once and for all. The freedom to know that faith in Him is enough to be clean is only fully understood after studying the original sacrifices for sin.

I am often baffled by the ways of God- confused by knowing God is all forgiving and yet strikes Aaron's sons dead at their disobedience and by those associated with Korah in Numbers 16 when the earth swallowed them up, and grieved by Moses' response to disobey God when he struck the rock rather than speak to it- thus leaving him to never enter the Promised land. 

I am awed by God's sovereign hand protecting the Israelites in His holy wars as he moved them through to the land that was promised. I am comforted by Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

When asked if I agreed with God for not allowing Moses to enter the Promised Land I had to answer that I didn't. My human mind struggles to know the ways of the Lord- desiring for His forgiveness over and over again rather than acknowledge His wrath and His holiness. Again I was reminded that God didn't deny Moses entrance into the heavens, but only into the earthly land... His disobedience was not enough to separate Him from God forever- or even at all- but the consequence was not leading the Israelites into the promised land... Moses was given the opportunity to train Joshua knowing His time to lead on earth was over which was itself a reminder he hadn't been cut off. 

As I think about the promised land concerning the Israelites and parallel that land to the Promised land of Christ I see how my faulty thinking has it's own set of consequences- though not enough to separate me from the love and forgiveness of Christ. 

God has saved me from my slavery, and He has written His laws on my heart, and I am trying so hard to not wander aimlessly through this world- I don't want to pass 40 years in the desert of loss- I want to move forward with a Kingdom mind and heart to do all that God has for me and my family. Yet again and again I wander away from Truth- from Life- from Holiness- and into my own will centered idolatries that do nothing but harm. And yet again- God patiently and lovingly beckons me back under His gracious arms and into His loving heart. 

Though the Lord has not taken me to a mountain to look out over His heavenly kingdom as Moses was able to see at the end of His life- He does give me glimpses into the Kingdom of God. I look at my six year old son with Down syndrome who the world has decided is not compatible with life and know that He was knit in my womb and brings a mystery of the kingdom to those who know and love him- I see the hands of trained medical workers give up large salaries and a life near family in opportunities to train hundreds of medical workers in east Africa where genocides once reigned and countries were left with literally no speciality doctors and few general doctors- I see those longing to bring justice here in this country to those who have been denied for centuries. I see the greatness in small offerings and the beauty in caring for the weak... and all those moments are shining light into the Kingdom of Christ that sets the world on its head declaring His rule and His reign are here and now and we get to walk into that freedom. 

Though I stumble and wander-I return. I return to my first Love- to my Abba who I am reminded through the life of Moses that I am loved, comforted, protected, and guided. Though I want to fight my battles using my own strength to bring forth what often are my own desires I am humbly reminded again and again of those words in Exodus- which I think brings me back to the center of this study. The reminder that my stillness is the results of my faith in knowing that God Almighty has me in the palm of His hand- that though I walk through life and trudge through pain and experience persecution I am equally safe, protected, and guided and I will hold these words close to my heart forever:

 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

the unchosen spiritual journey

David snagged a book from his parent's house- and when we arrived in Detroit I snagged it and started reading it. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do one thing particularly well... and that thing is to cry. I cry. If you're crying and I am connected to your story- I'm gonna cry. However, I generally don't cry when I read books- I feel deeply inside, but that feeling doesn't manifest itself in tears... until I found said snagged book. If you believe in Christ or you're interested in the Christian life or you just like to read about spiritual books- and if you love my son, Bentley. Go get this book.


The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey by Henri Nouwen.


Henri Nouwen moved to a community in France called L'Arche on August 13, 1985 (23 years and 1 day before the birth of Bentley) to live with those who have mental disabilities (he uses the phrase mentally handicapped which I will quote in his words).- He left a teaching position at Harvard University to pursue this opportunity. Part of L'Arche communities offer those with severe disabilities full time aids who can wash, feed, and fully take care of someone else. This is called La Forestiere (in this particular community)- keep this in mind during my end quote.

"It was important for me to be reminded again of this gift of the handicapped. They see through a facade of smiles and friendly words and sense the resentful heart before we ourselves notice it. Often they are capable of unmasking our impatience, irritation, jealousy, and lack of interest and making us honest with ourselves. For them, what really counts is a true relationship, a real friendship, a faithful presence. Many mentally handicapped people experience themselves as a disappointment to their parents, a burden for their families, a nuisance to their friends. To believe that anyone really cares and really loves them is difficult. Their heart registers with extreme sensitivity what is real care and what is false, what is true affection and what is just empty words. Thus, they often reveal to us our own hypocrisies and invite us always to greater sincerity and purer love.

My limited experience with handicapped people has made me see the truth of Jean's observation. Being at L'Arche means many things, but one of them is a call to a greater purity of heart. Indeed, Jesus speaks through the broken hearts of the handicapped, who are considered marginal and useless.

But God has chosen them to the poor through whom he makes his presence known. This is hard in a success and production oriented society" (19).


I have found that life lived is a spiritual journey. We are all trying to figure it out. When I traveled to Cuba in 2003 it was the poverty and oppression of that place that led me away from believe in Christ. No God would allow an entire country to suffer- and if God would allow that suffering- then I wasn't going to follow God.

Yet a pastor in Phoenix who was from Croatia and has seen genocide- watched the suffering of children in a place with no children welfare system- convinced me that God is the only way to enter the suffering. I don't have profound answers here- just a life story- and my story is that he changed my mind about God. And through perseverance and faith I found myself in a place where I can hate the oppression and be grieved about the poverty and pain and also believe in God.

And so it was the very thing that led me away from faith that God used to usher me back in. And sine then He has revealed over and over His faithfulness in the needs of the world, while also showing me that it will not be fully healed- not now- not until Christ.

The other week one of our pastor's in Tucson talked about the idea of not being totally 100% healed until Christ. So while we pray for healing for those who we love- for cities, for countries, for wars- those things will never be totally 100% healed- until Christ.

Enter Bentley. My son- my joy- my deep and innocent connection with the God who creates.

I often wonder if Bentley is broken. With my spiritual lenses I see that Bentley is changing me and he is changing you. He offers something to my life that my other two children just don't offer. Is this offering a spiritual offering that can be met in no other way? And if that is true- then is my dear son broken? Or is he whole? Is that cell- with three chromosomes- duplicated over his entire body a mistake? Or is it God ordained wholeness? Does it matter if his Down syndrome is a mistake or if it was willed before the light was set in it's place?

I don't know that it matters. What matters is that God is revealing the characters and qualities of Him through this world seen broken child. When everyone else is running in circles and trying to get ahead and finding the secrets of success- my son is quietly whispering- stop. Find success in the not success. Find happiness and peace and rest in the- not success. Find the wholeness in serving those who cannot feed or dress or take care of themselves. Serve the broken not the idols of our eyes.

Those who have met and served and cared for and loved a person with disabilities are changed. They have a sparkle and they smile wildly at my son. But there many who are afraid and haven't discovered the mystery of the God loved and created people with disabilities. If you are still unaware of this mystery- search for it- ask God that would reveal it to you. You won't be disappointed with the luminous beauty that will be revealed.

"If I can truly believe that God loved us so much that he became flesh among us, the people at La Forestiere invite me to see how deep that love is. Indeed, here I can meet Jesus, the same Jesus whom I adore in the prayer room- L' Oratoire. Here, too, God is hidden: here, too, is unceasing prayer of simple presence: here, too, is the utmost poverty.

The first commandment (Love God) is lived out in L' Oratoire (the prayer room),

the second (love others) in La Forestiere" (29).

churches: they can be hard to join

A common discussion that has occurred over the years has been how to find and join a church. David's father has advised us- and many- that churches are not perfect. I think his exact words are: "There are no perfect churches and if you think you have found one you shouldn't go because it won't be perfect anymore."

So here's a bit of my church history as I go into this thought about churches... Growing up my father was a pastor in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. (ELCA Lutheran). So we went to church every Sunday and I was baptized and had my first communion in the ELCA. My dad eventually stopped serving the ELCA church as a pastor and began working as a consultant in a company called Kairos. When I was a senior in HS I decided I wanted to choose the faith of Christianity on my own- so I went to the church of my friend Cindy called Rolling Hills. It was a really big church with lots of programs- the high school program had it's own Sunday service with their own worship band and a Wednesday small group. I really liked the youth pastor and his wife was my small group leader. They were so loving and kind to me during that year of my life.

Then I went off to college in Phoenix, Arizona and began the search for a good church there. During my first year several friends and I would go church shopping every week- sometimes to multiple services a day. I didn't have criteria that I was looking for- I wanted a church with good music, good preaching, and good people- but what does that even mean? :) I went to a Christian university and so we had a Tuesday night worship group with speakers that flew in from around the US to give talks about life- I think I still have a couple notebooks filled with notes. This chapel was called SALT and I loved it. Eventually I stopped looking for a church and just went to SALT. At the end of my sophomore year I left the faith completely (that would require another set of blogs to explain!)

During my engagement to David we decided that we would look for a church in Tucson because we liked the morals of the Christian life- even though we were sure about our entire belief system at the time. Of course me- being the way I am- mapped out several church services- we can go at 8, 10, and then there's one tonight! Or there's a 5 pm on Saturday and then we can go to two on Sunday! David was not convinced this was a good way to find a church! We did go to several churched in the Tucson area- then David's brother- Steven suggested his church- the music is mediocre, the preaching is ok, but the people are great! We went for several weeks and agreed, except no one ever talked to us! The final straw was a 4th of July Sunday when it was full of patriotic themes- I left crying. God doesn't bless this country any more than another place. Blessings are not wealth and prestige and all the things I hate about this place. I can't go there. So Steven lovingly said- I think you should try a church called The Village. They meet on Sunday nights. I hear it's a cool place.

And that began our journey at The Village. The Village is a small church with two pastors who lovingly lead and walk along side their members seeking to see people move towards spiritual, emotional, and physical healing. They are quiet and gentle giants who listen and cry and ask you lots of questions- who ask you to ask God for the answers to your questions. They are artists and parents and advocates and many many other things. We loved being at the Village. I got counseling and discipleship. I dealt with my stuff and did some forgiving as well.

Unfortunately we had to move to Michigan for David's medical training. We joined the church of David's aunt and uncle in Ann Arbor and met some really great people. We helped start a potluck group that continues to meet Thursday nights after all these years! After over a year in Ann Arbor we decided to move to Detroit.

In Detroit we immediately joined a new church plant. We listened to the mission statement- and agreed. We wanted to be part of a church that was actively involved in the city of Detroit. We did year round outreaches and sought to know and love our neighbors well. There was a lot of things we loved about that church in Detroit. However, there came a point when we disagreed with some things about the church and left. There will be disagreements in church- probably lots of them- but we believe it's important to be able to discuss these disagreements without falling apart. Our leaving the church was extremely painful. It led me into a place of painful depression. I've gone through counseling, forgiving sessions, hours with the Lord, and I have dealt with a lot of my questions and pains. It will forever part of my church experience.

We were a mess when we left and found ourselves in the loving arms and grace of a small church in SW Detroit. The pastor, a man with some years under his belt- spent hours with David. He was so good to us. During our time there he announced that he would be retiring from the church- and the church needed to figure out who they were and what kind of pastor they would like to lead them- we decided we were still too broken to be part of this process. Also, during this time our dear friend was going through some pains of his own and mentioned it would be really helpful if we went to church with him. So we did.

We have been at Hope for a year and a half. We have sat in the back and listened and slowly introduced ourselves. Finally this fall we had dinner with the pastor and his wife. They are so gracious and kind and they listen well. It is also during this past 6 months David and I have found ourselves in a place of needing marital counseling. We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in June. We were a mess when we got married and there are many things that we have not dealt with. And they have recently erupted causing us to fully choose one another and seek the counseling and healing we need. I have never felt so in love, so connected, and so content in my marriage. I am so thankful for God's revealing of my sin and the sin of my husband so that we can move forward more wholly. We are experiencing great great joy.

It is also during this time that I have realized a great thing about churches I never considered before. I think it is important to like your worship and the sermons. I think the mission of the church is important. I think that sometimes we put too much emphasis on finding these things and find ourselves not attending church like me in college. However, I think there is a criteria which I will use now until God asks of me otherwise....

It is essential to find a church where I can be broken. Broken in my thoughts, broken in my actions, and broken as a human. I need to be able to come to my leaders with great pains- pains about myself, about the world, and about the church. And I need to be heard. The church needs to be a place where I can be at rock bottom in my marriage and the pastor can either help us rebuild or recommend someone who can. Having a father as a pastor and having friends as pastors has taught me that my pastor is someone I want to love well- and that I want to be loved well by my pastor. I want to be able to share my life- the good and the bad. Recently we went to our pastor and shared briefly our story and this was his response to me: "In the meantime, daughter of God, I pray the Father speaks love and security and freedom to your heart in the next few weeks. Because you ARE loved... so deeply... so eternally... and so personally by Him." Pastor K.

So here's my advice at the young age of 32 about churches: find a church where you can serve. A church that fits the mission of the Bible. A church that helps you grow in wisdom and faith. But I would add- with great importance- that it be a place where when your life seems to be a mess you can go with full confidence that you will be loved oh so very well. The kind of love where the world would shame you and the church severely loves you. The kind of place that knows that change doesn't come out of our own will, but out of the transforming love of God. This kind of change is unexplainable and fully freeing. I know this well, for I have been transformed - and believe me when I say this- it wasn't my will- It was God's power.

to the fullest (ex 1-3)

I sometimes write musing for my dad- here's the latest...

Well, it's the start of a new school year. Bentley (our son with Down syndrome) is doing round 2 of kindergarten and Clayton is in a full day preschool class and Lily is home with me. I decided to sign up for a local Bible study again this year. Sometimes I do these things for the wonderful and free child care, but this year I decided I'd really put forth the effort to soak in all that I can. We are studying the life of Moses and I am really excited about all I have been learning. Most people familiar with the Old Testament remember Moses- the Hebrew baby who was sent down the river in a basket out of his mother's desperation to save him from Pharaoh who was afraid of how numerous the Hebrew slaves were becoming --and out of his fear demanded all the boy babies be killed. Moses is then saved by Pharoah's daughter who ends up hiring Moses' mother to be his nurse maid and caretaker. As he gets older we read that he went out into Egypt he saw the oppression of his people- and even killed an Egyptian for his beating a Hebrew servant. Moses eventually runs away to hide in Midian for fear of his life and also because the Hebrew slaves don't want his help in their oppression. God had a lot of work to do in Moses. The most important of which is teaching Moses to depend on the Lord for His power, His strength, and His timing. I find myself feeling like Moses in some ways. I feel very passionate about injustices and immediately want to intervene or fix the problem. 

Part of the Bible study includes a lecture at the end of the discussion. During the lecture the speaker asked us, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?" I immediately started to jot down the question- even starting to answer it in my mind- and then I paused. I thought to myself- I don't want to just answer this question out of obligation, I'm really going to ponder it- consider how I really might want to change. So I wrote it down in a separate journal and went on with my day. 

A couple weeks went by and I was leaving my apartment building with my loaded up wagon full of dirty laundry to walk over to the laundry mat. 

A kind man opened the door for me and proceeded to talk to me. "Hey, where are all the kids at?" 

"Oh they're upstairs with their dad- I escaped to do some laundry quick." I replied.

"Hey- I gotta tell you something. I really love your kids. Do you remember a couple of months ago I was in the elevator with you and one of your sons exclaimed, 'Stand up, stand up for Jesus!" Do you remember that?" 

"Oh yeah, I do remember that," I responded.

"Well, that just made my day. I was going through a really difficult time and that was just the word I needed to hear. You see I just found out I have kidney failure, and liver diseases, and that week I got this on my foot because I have gangrene. And I was just feeling really low. And those kids just make me smile. I call them my crew. I just love knowing that you guys live up there and that you're looking out for me. And that Jesus is looking out for me too." 

I smiled and I thanked him for sharing that story with me because it meant a lot to me. He smiled once again and went our separate ways. 

You might be thinking- oh what a lovely perfect Jesus type story- but here's what you don't know.... I remember exactly the time he is telling me about. And I remember feeling embarrassed that my kids were singing about Jesus in the elevator. I am always worried about what others think of me- and I don't ever want to offend anyone. So when Clayton and Lily were singing that song I think I tried to get them to stop (which of course never works. :) Who knew that God was using that moment to speak to another hurting person about His great love and care for them!? And I was trying to stop it. 

I am constantly worried about my crazy kids bothering people. We live in a 2 bedroom high rise apartment building with hundred of units. I know that most families don't live in apartment buildings- so I try extra hard to be considerate of others. Well, if you have ever met my three kids you know what this must look like, and for the many of you have not- let me give you an idea..... It's kids running to the elevators to try to be the one to push the button- it's Bentley constantly pushing random buttons to go visit his friend Kristen (who doesn't even live in our building!) it's Lily singing- the boys running- bikes flying around corners- it's asking everyone their names and how they are- it's energy abounding! All the while I'm trying to keep the energy calm and be respectful to the residents. It's nothing less than chaos. :) And if I could learn to let go of controlling their joy and excitement it would be quite lovely!

So I get to the laundry mat and I put the clothes in the washing machines and pull out my journal because I want to record this encounter I have just had- and the words at the top of my journal read, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?"

I stop. 

Wow. 

I start to consider all the ways I am worried about my kids offending or being too chatty or too loud or too energetic- and I start to consider that this might be the thing that needs change. It's my heart towards my children and my heart towards my neighbor. In my desire to control the situation I am blocking the Lord's desire to do what He will through the little people. 

In Matthew 19:14 we read the words of Jesus, 

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Jesus is working through our children... in ways we don't even know!!

After Moses meets God at the burning bush we read..

1 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you[f] will worship God on this mountain.”

As I think about this text I'm so thankful that God doesn't tell Moses all the qualities has to lead the people out.... he doesn't give him a pep talk about his abilities.... he says- I will be with you. And this is how you will know..... 

I know the Lord gives us the same talk as we confront great difficulties. 

One of life's greatest challenges for my husband and I is our son with Down syndrome. He is a lot of work- needs lots of therapies, and help, and medical attention..... 

HOWEVER , I firmly believe Psalm 139:13 when it says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  Yes, Bentley was knit, as is. 

And so when I ask God how I am going to do this- how am I going to raise this child? How am I going to raise all my children? How am I going to let them be their own individuals and say what they'll say (as long as it's kind!) and do as they will (as long as they aren't hurting anyone!) and get myself out of the way??? 

And God says to me, "Adrienne, I will be with you." He doesn't tell me that he has made me to be a special need's mom. He doesn't tell me how He has prepared me for this- the same as it was with Moses- He just tells me I am not alone. And then as I am walking along he gives me these reminders of how He is here. 

So as you go on with your day, consider the question, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?"

Take some time. Let the words flow to your heart. Maybe you'll even forget the question as I did... but write it down and see what you find it. It might be one of the most freeing and life giving moments of late.... I know it has been for me. 

reflections on the christian faith day 1

These thoughts are candid, they aren't totally thought out, and they may change. But they are my thoughts of late... and so I will share them...

I'm supposed to talk to 400 young, excited, energetic summer counsels at a Michigan Christian summer camp this weekend. The first day will be an intimate group of 40 special needs counselors- and then the whole group will be there Sunday night. When I was initially asked about this I was so excited. There's definitely part of me this wondered- really, me ? why me? But I had just moved into the apartment and had recently spoken to the WSU medical students so I was on a total high. It just seems a little overwhelming that I am doing this talk now... so I thought I'd get some thoughts out before I get there ready to jazz up all these college kids to embark on a summer of loving kids... all kids... including lots of kids like Bentley.

When I think about Jesus and the Christian faith I think about love- I think about caring for those in need, feeding the hungry of stomach and feeding the hungry of spirit. I think about a simplistic type of living. I think about compassion. I think about caring for creation- thinking about what we eat and how it effects the earth- about how we care for the earth. I think about how we should love beyond borders- like Jesus in the story of the woman at the well. This is the part of the faith I love. This is why I am a Christian. I do feel an omnipresent power of God. I don't question His existence. I don't question this innate desire to love beyond.

But I do have a lot of questions.

I think many churches and many people have a painful way of expressing God's love. People with really great intentions say some really terrible things to other people- I know we all say hurtful things- but I am not talking about those kinds of hurtful things- I am talking more corporate I guess. Generally speaking- Christians have a way of looking at the world. It's a very black and white perspective. And rather than speak about this God of love they tend to target sin. They look at people's lives and begin to judge their actions and then they attempt to share this gospel of love. Have you ever received something well that came from a person you felt judged by? Nope, me either. So why is it that we are trained to focus on sin and lifestyle? What good is it for me to judge your behaviors and actions? I find that when I judge others I can only see their flaws- and when I only see their flaws I have a hard time understanding why they do what they do- and when I can't understand someone... can I really love them?

What's with the whole patriotic Christian? When did God and country become part of the equation? I am quite certain God doesn't bless this country any more than another- and I am also certain that many of our "blessings" come at a cost to someone else. And I think we are supposed to be careful about those costs. I just can't imagine believing in this universal God who cared more for one group of people than another...

Churches feel very corporate to me. They have policies. They have agendas. They have strategies. They have budgets. Sometimes they have lots of lights, and displays, and inclined seating...  I understand that these things aren't necessarily bad, but I just wonder what's the point. How do I express my faith in a large group without these things... and can I? Is it possible to have a home church that doesn't have an overhead cost. Doesn't have policies and agencies, strategies... where it's ok to believe certain things - but have a general statement of faith? That's what I am looking for.

I find myself in this awkward place. I want to experience God - I have historically liked church- but over the past couple months I have realized I don't identify with many of the Christian agendas of late... so where do I fit in? Do I just go to the church we have recently discovered and enjoy what I like and stomach what I don't? Is there space to start a home church or join one?

For the moment- I must continue to meet God where I am- and I am 10 feet under water with 3 kids holding on. So it's prayers throughout the day for patience and sustenance. It's finding time to discover what this faith of mine means more deeply.

Welcome to my doubts, welcome to my struggles, welcome to my reflections on faith... hang on.. it might be a long road. :)

Beautiful things

I have been really depressed and struggling over the past several months with a lot of things, but finally am coming out of the darkness. The past few weeks have been so light and wonderful. Spring is in FULL BLOOM in Michigan! The death of winter is giving birth to the most beautiful flowers, and fruits, and veggies, and leaves! We've had several homegrown salads- fresh berries, and the scents of all that is spring.

During my depression I was finding it extremely difficult to enjoy my kids. It seemed like all they did was need and I didn't have anything to give. Their struggles with behavior escalated with my impatience and anger. I watched all these moms at the park lovingly push their kiddos on the swings and I just wanted to leave mine and go somewhere...anywhere. "Excuse me, would you mind watching my kids too while I just run to Starbucks?" How many times did I rehearse that?!?!

Then just as the sun rises over the horizon, so the light began to break darkness in my life. Just as the rose bushes went from being nothing but twigs to green with leaves and bright pink flowers, the flower of my soul awakened.

The kids and I have had the BEST week! I feel like we have found our rhythm. I never thought I would struggle with depression and I didn't even realize how bad it was until this week.

A couple weeks ago I was sharing some of my struggles with an old friend who I haven't talked to in years and she said, "Adrienne, I have to tell you I am really excited for you! I think God has amazing things in store for you. Really, I do." And I think she meant it, and I think she was right.

We've started going to a new church in Detroit called Messiah and recently sang this song:



"Beautiful Things"

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

chorus:
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

chorus x3

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new


I think you get what I am saying.

Maybe I'll even start blogging again. Who knows!?!?

with you

David and I have been walking through what has become one of the most difficult times we've had as a couple- and the difficulty doesn't sit between us, but outside of us. We continue to grow closer and more united.
I prayed the Lord would give me scripture to meditate on and from the beginning he gave me the simple verse my children were learning, "Then the Lord appeared to him and said, 'Do not be afraid for I will be with you.'"

God is not with me like a person or even a flower or even the wind is with me. I can't see God- can't feel God- can't taste God. But I know He's here. And He's made me feel more aware of His great presence than ever.
I wish I had documented some of these sweet stories of late- at any rate- here's the one from yesterday...


Easter Sunday.


We were invited to go to church with our friends on the SW side of Detroit and then have dinner at their home. Their children got sick and they had to cancel dinner yesterday morning. We decided to go to their church- enjoy the pancake breakfast- and meet new people. The breakfast was great and I met some really neat people. The church is a covenant church with Lutheran roots. The second service is a liturgical service that uses the Lutheran Book of Worship. So I grew up in the Evangelical Lutheran Church- my dad is a pastor. Hearing the liturgy brought me back to my childhood- I could almost recite the responses by memory. In many ways it felt like the Lord brought me to a safe place- a place where I first met God. I grew up responding to the pastor- I didn't know what I was saying- there was no richness. Yet yesterday in this church I realized the words are full of depth-

Pastor: Almighty God, to whom all hearts are open, all desires known, from whom to secrets are hid: cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirist, that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Jesus Christ our Lord.
All: if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just will forgive our sins and cleans us from all unrighteousness.


Reflection.

Most merciful God,
we confess that we have sinned against you
in thought, word, and deed,
by what we have done,
and by what we have left undone.
We have not loved you with our whole heart;
we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
We are truly sorry and we humbly repent.
For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ,
have mercy on us and forgive us;
that we may delight in your will,
and walk in your ways,
to the glory of your Name. Amen.

Obviously you could recite these words and not mean them- you could go with the flow- or you could choose to engage with the body of Christ and experience the power of confession, repentance, and forgiveness.

Anyway, so church was a mix of emotions.

So we get home and I dont' know what we are gonna eat for Easter dinner- and I don't know who is coming. So I am starting to feel anxious and sad that it will be a small group.


We decide on cheese fondue and chocolate fondue.



Our friend calls (I had mentioned we might do fondue at church) and he would like to come with their kid and bring his friends!

So around 4 everyone gathers- 7 adults and 5 kids and we sit at the table to celebrate Easter together. Turns out our new friends are from LA- moved to Detroit to start a new life- have traveled the world- and are excited about community gardens, communal living, engaging the community....




The Lord once again provided in my need.

Psalm 34
I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,
for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to blot out their name from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord will rescue his servants;
no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.

abraham's faith

I recently began attending a Bible study nearby on Thursdays and we have been studying the book of Genesis. I really enjoy this especially because our church studied Genesis last year and the repeated pounding of the scriptures makes me enjoy them that more deeply. The past week or so I have been thinking a lot about Abraham. In Genesis 15:16 we read, "Abraham believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness." We know that this occurs after God and Abraham have a discussion about the Lord's promise to make his offspring as many as there are stars in the sky, while Abraham and Sarah remained childless. However, the text doesn't give us any indication of what his belief looked like- it just tells us that Abraham believed God- and that was what clothed him with righteousness. This is obviously a very popular text because it highlights the life of faith vs. a life that is devoted to works. (Although we know faith without works is dead- James 2:17). Faith is the foundation to the Christian life. This text is often used as a gateway into examining our own lives. Are we living a life of faith? What kinds of things is the Lord asking us to entrust to Him? We know Abraham is tested in Genesis 22 with the potential sacrifice of he and Sarah's only son, Isaac- and he responds out of faith. Once again a glowing example of the faithfulness Abraham is capable of proving. As I have been considering the passages lately I couldn't stop thinking about David's parent's church in Mexico. Before I tell the story I should share some basic background information: The pastor, Juan Carlos and his family live in a parsonage attached to the church. They have been there for as long as I have known David- so at least 10 years. There have been a lot of crime and bribery problems in Northern Mexico.... especially related to the drug cartels. Often times people will receive a letter that demands money and if it isn't awarded there is a threat of violence to you or your family. These violent acts have been carried out. So about a year ago this pastor received a letter demanding money or else his family would be killed. It gave names of all the people in his family and obviously it is known he lives next to the church. I don't know the details of what happened, but from my understanding he chose to ignore the request. About a week before the letter was received there had been stories of other murders- so his choice to ignore the request must of been quite difficult. Our church family was praying during this time in hopes that the Lord would protect Juan Carlos and his family. It is with joy that I share no harm was done to this family! As I have been thinking about Abraham's faith and Juan Carlos' faith I am filled with joy and conviction! I also considered to analyze the cost. In both situations the Lord provided good things- in Abraham's life he fulfilled his promise of inheritance and offspring, in Juan Carlos' life he provided safety. What if the Lord hadn't provided protection for Juan Carlos' family? Would we still give glory to God? Would he have justifiably regretted ignoring the plea? Often I wonder to what degree am I called to be faithful. Must I be faithful even when I am faced with persecution or danger? How do I know? The Bible speaks clearly about bribery . We know that the easy way out of harm would have been to pay the bribe (although the requests might have never stopped once this began), but we also know that faithfulness has a cost, but a far greater reward. I am especially encouraged by this passage in Isaiah 33: You who are far away, hear what I have done; you who are near, acknowledge my power! 14 The sinners in Zion are terrified; trembling grips the godless: “Who of us can dwell with the consuming fire? Who of us can dwell with everlasting burning?” 15 Those who walk righteously and speak what is right, who reject gain from extortion and keep their hands from accepting bribes, who stop their ears against plots of murder and shut their eyes against contemplating evil— 16 they are the ones who will dwell on the heights, whose refuge will be the mountain fortress. Their bread will be supplied, and water will not fail them. 17 Your eyes will see the king in his beauty and view a land that stretches afar. The Lord speaks clearly through His Word the expectations of believers. We often muddy the clearness of the Word with our fears and misreadings. It makes me think of James 1: 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. and also Philippians 2 So may we all live out of our faith in the Lord and not out of our fears. For me, that has been choosing to stay in a city known for it's danger, while raising three littles, one with special needs (praise God for continued private services!), being part of a church I don't always like (turns out there is no perfect church!), and choosing to live in the moment... all the while trusting the Lord for what He has for our family. Where in your life is the Lord asking you to be faithful? Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2 This is what the ancients were commended for. Hewbrews 11:1

a thousand gifts

There is a really great blog called Passionate Homemaking for all you Moms out there! So Lindsay (who writes the blog) started doing this thing called Joy Dare which stems from this other blog writer, Ann (another great one for you moms!)

So Ann Voskamp wrote this book called A Thousand Gifts- I just started reading it and the first chapter blew me away! I can't wait to read more!!!

The idea behind the book (from what I gather) is that we have so many gifts from God that we don't see because we are in such a rush and life is just sort of happening and we're missing some of the small blessings that really are quite large. Ann lives on a farm with her husband and 6 children (she homeschools) and it seems this lifestyle has caused her to slow down. I really don't feel adequate to share much about the book since I haven't finished it, but the first chapter was so intense and so emotional that I really look forward to reading the book slowly and savoring what she has to say.

One of the things that Ann is encouraging all to do is called a JOY DARE. Basically in 2012 you will write over 1000 things you are thankful for- 3 a day. Doing this can help cultivate a life of seeing God's presence and gifts every day. It is designed to draw us closer to Him- and the richness and beauty that He pours out all around us.


On Saturday we had women's night for the women who go to our church and my friend, Lindsay led it and encouraged everyone to join her in this "dare".

Finally, here's a sheet to help you think about some things you might be thankful for!


I am excited to do this and I hope if you do it- you are encouraged too!

traditions...

David and I spent a lot of talking through what we want Christmas to be like for our family. Since I blogged about this earlier I thought I should add an update about what we decided to do for our family traditions.

So David and I really enjoy the season of Advent- the 40 days leading up to Christmas Day. Each night we would like to do a family devotion. David's mom gave us felt pieces that you open each night and you put them up on a board to build the nativity scene.
We decided that we are going to have a Christmas tree symbolizing life- the lights symbolizing the light we are supposed to shine as Christ's ambassadors in the world. Ornaments go up and can be used as memories from years past. :) We have a nativity scene made out of wood that we bought in Burundi.


Felt board Nativity Scene


Christmas Eve we would like to celebrate by having a nice fondue dinner- this year we did cheese- gruyere & swiss with bread, broccoli, and green apples. We had sparkling apple cider as well. It was delicious! We opened presents on Christmas Eve together and then I went to church with the boys (David went in to work). We didn't really buy many gifts- what was opened were gifts from family! I enjoy buying things for the boys throughout the year as I see necessary. I find great joy in getting them things I know we can do together as I see their interests changing.

Clayton and Lily Christmas Eve




Christmas Day!



Christmas Day we had a delicious breakfast of cinnamon rolls, eggs, and bacon. We enjoyed our time together and then put the boys down for a nap. When they woke up we gave them a healthy snack. Around 6:30 our friends Nate and Kristen Egger along with their daugheters (Aoife and Adelaide) came over and also our other friend Kristin to celebrate Clayton's SECOND birthday! I made carrot cake and he opened a few presents.

When we are with David's family we will continue with their traditions, which are great! This is what we'll do when it's just the 5 of us. :)


The boys enjoying their fireman hats!