churches: they can be hard to join

A common discussion that has occurred over the years has been how to find and join a church. David's father has advised us- and many- that churches are not perfect. I think his exact words are: "There are no perfect churches and if you think you have found one you shouldn't go because it won't be perfect anymore."

So here's a bit of my church history as I go into this thought about churches... Growing up my father was a pastor in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. (ELCA Lutheran). So we went to church every Sunday and I was baptized and had my first communion in the ELCA. My dad eventually stopped serving the ELCA church as a pastor and began working as a consultant in a company called Kairos. When I was a senior in HS I decided I wanted to choose the faith of Christianity on my own- so I went to the church of my friend Cindy called Rolling Hills. It was a really big church with lots of programs- the high school program had it's own Sunday service with their own worship band and a Wednesday small group. I really liked the youth pastor and his wife was my small group leader. They were so loving and kind to me during that year of my life.

Then I went off to college in Phoenix, Arizona and began the search for a good church there. During my first year several friends and I would go church shopping every week- sometimes to multiple services a day. I didn't have criteria that I was looking for- I wanted a church with good music, good preaching, and good people- but what does that even mean? :) I went to a Christian university and so we had a Tuesday night worship group with speakers that flew in from around the US to give talks about life- I think I still have a couple notebooks filled with notes. This chapel was called SALT and I loved it. Eventually I stopped looking for a church and just went to SALT. At the end of my sophomore year I left the faith completely (that would require another set of blogs to explain!)

During my engagement to David we decided that we would look for a church in Tucson because we liked the morals of the Christian life- even though we were sure about our entire belief system at the time. Of course me- being the way I am- mapped out several church services- we can go at 8, 10, and then there's one tonight! Or there's a 5 pm on Saturday and then we can go to two on Sunday! David was not convinced this was a good way to find a church! We did go to several churched in the Tucson area- then David's brother- Steven suggested his church- the music is mediocre, the preaching is ok, but the people are great! We went for several weeks and agreed, except no one ever talked to us! The final straw was a 4th of July Sunday when it was full of patriotic themes- I left crying. God doesn't bless this country any more than another place. Blessings are not wealth and prestige and all the things I hate about this place. I can't go there. So Steven lovingly said- I think you should try a church called The Village. They meet on Sunday nights. I hear it's a cool place.

And that began our journey at The Village. The Village is a small church with two pastors who lovingly lead and walk along side their members seeking to see people move towards spiritual, emotional, and physical healing. They are quiet and gentle giants who listen and cry and ask you lots of questions- who ask you to ask God for the answers to your questions. They are artists and parents and advocates and many many other things. We loved being at the Village. I got counseling and discipleship. I dealt with my stuff and did some forgiving as well.

Unfortunately we had to move to Michigan for David's medical training. We joined the church of David's aunt and uncle in Ann Arbor and met some really great people. We helped start a potluck group that continues to meet Thursday nights after all these years! After over a year in Ann Arbor we decided to move to Detroit.

In Detroit we immediately joined a new church plant. We listened to the mission statement- and agreed. We wanted to be part of a church that was actively involved in the city of Detroit. We did year round outreaches and sought to know and love our neighbors well. There was a lot of things we loved about that church in Detroit. However, there came a point when we disagreed with some things about the church and left. There will be disagreements in church- probably lots of them- but we believe it's important to be able to discuss these disagreements without falling apart. Our leaving the church was extremely painful. It led me into a place of painful depression. I've gone through counseling, forgiving sessions, hours with the Lord, and I have dealt with a lot of my questions and pains. It will forever part of my church experience.

We were a mess when we left and found ourselves in the loving arms and grace of a small church in SW Detroit. The pastor, a man with some years under his belt- spent hours with David. He was so good to us. During our time there he announced that he would be retiring from the church- and the church needed to figure out who they were and what kind of pastor they would like to lead them- we decided we were still too broken to be part of this process. Also, during this time our dear friend was going through some pains of his own and mentioned it would be really helpful if we went to church with him. So we did.

We have been at Hope for a year and a half. We have sat in the back and listened and slowly introduced ourselves. Finally this fall we had dinner with the pastor and his wife. They are so gracious and kind and they listen well. It is also during this past 6 months David and I have found ourselves in a place of needing marital counseling. We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in June. We were a mess when we got married and there are many things that we have not dealt with. And they have recently erupted causing us to fully choose one another and seek the counseling and healing we need. I have never felt so in love, so connected, and so content in my marriage. I am so thankful for God's revealing of my sin and the sin of my husband so that we can move forward more wholly. We are experiencing great great joy.

It is also during this time that I have realized a great thing about churches I never considered before. I think it is important to like your worship and the sermons. I think the mission of the church is important. I think that sometimes we put too much emphasis on finding these things and find ourselves not attending church like me in college. However, I think there is a criteria which I will use now until God asks of me otherwise....

It is essential to find a church where I can be broken. Broken in my thoughts, broken in my actions, and broken as a human. I need to be able to come to my leaders with great pains- pains about myself, about the world, and about the church. And I need to be heard. The church needs to be a place where I can be at rock bottom in my marriage and the pastor can either help us rebuild or recommend someone who can. Having a father as a pastor and having friends as pastors has taught me that my pastor is someone I want to love well- and that I want to be loved well by my pastor. I want to be able to share my life- the good and the bad. Recently we went to our pastor and shared briefly our story and this was his response to me: "In the meantime, daughter of God, I pray the Father speaks love and security and freedom to your heart in the next few weeks. Because you ARE loved... so deeply... so eternally... and so personally by Him." Pastor K.

So here's my advice at the young age of 32 about churches: find a church where you can serve. A church that fits the mission of the Bible. A church that helps you grow in wisdom and faith. But I would add- with great importance- that it be a place where when your life seems to be a mess you can go with full confidence that you will be loved oh so very well. The kind of love where the world would shame you and the church severely loves you. The kind of place that knows that change doesn't come out of our own will, but out of the transforming love of God. This kind of change is unexplainable and fully freeing. I know this well, for I have been transformed - and believe me when I say this- it wasn't my will- It was God's power.

16. Thankful for early morning walks while we are in Arizona. 

17. Thankful for bentley's love of animals. He really just loves them. 

18. Thankful for David's love of his daughter and for his constant reminders to her that she is special, and beautiful, and amazing. 

13.  Thankful for littles that spend the morning putting their hands in the earth. 

14. Thankful that God created such a diverse earth. From the crystal clear waters of the Great Lakes to the bright blue skies that expand over the rock and sorts of the desert. 

15. Thankful that God's arms of forgiveness are always open- the gates to his heart never shut. 

10. Thankful for a morning sunrise walk with my husband. 

Lamentations 3

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[a]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

11. My dad gave this baptismal fount to the Village after we used it on Bentley 6 years ago. It was a gift to him from his first church. I love it. It's beautiful. 

But now that faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian, 26 for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. 27 For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ Galatians 3:25-27

12. Thankful for love in this family. And the joy of watching a little girl dance around and around and around during worship tonight-the image will always be in my mind. 

Gratitude 3

7. Glimpses out airplane windows that reveal places you've once lived- fountain hills, arizona is the place I lived when I was 8 and I can remember playing in the washes and enjoying the high high fountain. 

8. Thankful for bright blue skies 

9. Thankful for sunsets and mountains 

Gratitude 2

4. Thankful for walks around lafayette park with David - talking about life as the kids collect sticks in the middle. 

5. Thankful for Christ's renewing power through his birth, life, death and resurrection. It is amazing. 

6, thankful for Boston cousins who play with the kids- making them laugh and scream for hours- until we sedate them with a movie ;) 

Gratitude

15 Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrificeof praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. Hebrews 13:15

A couple years ago I read a book written by Ann Voskamp about thanking God for all the blessings - the big and the little that he gives us. This year we have been reading her advent devotional for children called Unwrapping the Greatest Gift. It has been so good. Then this evening David and I were doing my BSF bible study on the life of Moses and we came across this verse in Hebrews - so I've decided to attempt thanking the lord for 3 things a day and I am hopeful to have 1000 memories of gratitude from 2015. 

Thankful for this therapeutic apartment on the 22nd floor overlooking the city of Detroit. The lights of the city calm my soul. 

Thankful for Clayton Matthew on his 5th birthday. He brings us so much joy and laughter! 

Thankful for my husband who I adore - who has swept me off my feet this week and has shown me great mercy as we seek to make our life together richer and stronger and more full of life than ever before. 

he is the one percent

So today I had a meeting with the speech therapists at the clinic Bentley attends through Wayne State. He has been going here for a few years now, but this year he is on the other side of the building with the older kids. He receives one on one speech therapy for 45 minutes 2 times a week now.

At this speech clinic they have a one way mirror so I can watch Bentley during his therapy. The first week I declined, but the next few weeks the littles and I went to watch. 

So for kids with communication disorders they have a special standardized test to figure out what a child needs. This test comes in the form of a book with pictures and a set of toys. The therapist proceeds to flip through her manual to figure out what picture she needs or which set of toys. Like standardized tests it is most efficiently used if you move quickly. 

"Bentley, point to the boy on the bike. Bentley, where is the girl that is sleeping?" Each of those scenarios will have several pictures of kids on, next to, looking at bikes or... awake, laying down, girl sleeping, boy sleeping... etc...." 

So Bentley points to the wrong picture and the therapist might say Good job! or Good try! and then move on. I think deep down inside Bentley knows he is wrong, but doesn't know what is right- and the look on his face is painful to watch. 

So then the therapist will pull out a set of dishes... Bentley- give the bear a drink. Bentley give me a drink. 

You can see his face light up--- Oh you want to play with me!?!!? 

Which is then quickly replaced with a look of disappointment when it's time to clean up before he had a chance to really play with the toys. 

So I stopped going to the one way mirror. To be honest, it's mostly because Clayton and Lily get bored. But they like to watch him for a couple minutes... but it's also because it was difficult to watch him struggle and not intervene in a way I knew could be helpful.

So he's been going to speech for a few weeks and it was conferences this week. She hands me a piece of paper and on it says: 

Diagnosis: severe receptive and expressive language impairment, and severe articulation impairment. 

Test results: standard score of 50, 1st percentile. 

She reads the diagnosis and then says, "But you already knew that." 

Then she goes on.... so when they test 100 kids, 99 will be answer the questions accurately, but Bentley does not. 

We then proceed to talk about goals. 

Before I go on.... this is a young college student. She is very sweet. This is not about her. 

But can I just say it breaks my heart... I know that things are true, she's right about that. But when I see them on a piece of paper it literally breaks my heart every time. Not like a soft break, like a physical pain I can feel piercing through my body. And I understand that standardized tests are useful- but they do not define my child. He is not severely impaired. He is fully alive and fully communicative and fully receptive- it's just not by your terms.

So let me tell you about the one percent that is my son, Bentley. 

We drove to speech and I told Lily and Clayton they could ride bikes for a 20 min while Bentley was inside. We park and Bentley says, "You- (Lily) Speech. You (Clayton) Speech. Me. Bikes. With a huge smile on his face in hopes that I could actually make this happen. 

The boy runs with arms wide open to greet those he loves, flying into your arms and wrapping his body around you- fully appreciating your role in his life. 

He laughs so loud and so long that it could make the flowers laugh if they heard him. 

How about when we walked into our local super cool pizza restaurant tonight and he opens the door after I coaxed them to be calm and quiet and yells at the top of his lungs, "I AM HERE!!!!" 

Or the sweet way he rubs our backs. And the way he manages to roll underneath us every time we are in downward dog doing yoga. Or the sweet kisses he delights us with all day long. 

Bentley loves his therapy horse Bobbie more than any other toy or activity or place in the world. 

Those who know this sweet child are left touched by his sweet spirit. 

Whether he's deceivingly stealing apples from the refrigerator, or dumping baby powder on the floor, creating a mound of bubbles in the sink, cracking eggs for breakfast at 5:30 AM in a pan, or jumping off the slide he will leave you smiling. 

He will leave you knowing that he is much smarter than your test. 

He is not so severely impaired- He is severely changing lives. 

He has and is continuing to severely change ours-changing us into people who look beyond the 99- who don't value those standardized tests- though heartbreaking they can be when they catch you off center- but who value the love, the depth, and the warmth that is a child with Down syndrome. 

He is the one percent. 

to the fullest (ex 1-3)

I sometimes write musing for my dad- here's the latest...

Well, it's the start of a new school year. Bentley (our son with Down syndrome) is doing round 2 of kindergarten and Clayton is in a full day preschool class and Lily is home with me. I decided to sign up for a local Bible study again this year. Sometimes I do these things for the wonderful and free child care, but this year I decided I'd really put forth the effort to soak in all that I can. We are studying the life of Moses and I am really excited about all I have been learning. Most people familiar with the Old Testament remember Moses- the Hebrew baby who was sent down the river in a basket out of his mother's desperation to save him from Pharaoh who was afraid of how numerous the Hebrew slaves were becoming --and out of his fear demanded all the boy babies be killed. Moses is then saved by Pharoah's daughter who ends up hiring Moses' mother to be his nurse maid and caretaker. As he gets older we read that he went out into Egypt he saw the oppression of his people- and even killed an Egyptian for his beating a Hebrew servant. Moses eventually runs away to hide in Midian for fear of his life and also because the Hebrew slaves don't want his help in their oppression. God had a lot of work to do in Moses. The most important of which is teaching Moses to depend on the Lord for His power, His strength, and His timing. I find myself feeling like Moses in some ways. I feel very passionate about injustices and immediately want to intervene or fix the problem. 

Part of the Bible study includes a lecture at the end of the discussion. During the lecture the speaker asked us, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?" I immediately started to jot down the question- even starting to answer it in my mind- and then I paused. I thought to myself- I don't want to just answer this question out of obligation, I'm really going to ponder it- consider how I really might want to change. So I wrote it down in a separate journal and went on with my day. 

A couple weeks went by and I was leaving my apartment building with my loaded up wagon full of dirty laundry to walk over to the laundry mat. 

A kind man opened the door for me and proceeded to talk to me. "Hey, where are all the kids at?" 

"Oh they're upstairs with their dad- I escaped to do some laundry quick." I replied.

"Hey- I gotta tell you something. I really love your kids. Do you remember a couple of months ago I was in the elevator with you and one of your sons exclaimed, 'Stand up, stand up for Jesus!" Do you remember that?" 

"Oh yeah, I do remember that," I responded.

"Well, that just made my day. I was going through a really difficult time and that was just the word I needed to hear. You see I just found out I have kidney failure, and liver diseases, and that week I got this on my foot because I have gangrene. And I was just feeling really low. And those kids just make me smile. I call them my crew. I just love knowing that you guys live up there and that you're looking out for me. And that Jesus is looking out for me too." 

I smiled and I thanked him for sharing that story with me because it meant a lot to me. He smiled once again and went our separate ways. 

You might be thinking- oh what a lovely perfect Jesus type story- but here's what you don't know.... I remember exactly the time he is telling me about. And I remember feeling embarrassed that my kids were singing about Jesus in the elevator. I am always worried about what others think of me- and I don't ever want to offend anyone. So when Clayton and Lily were singing that song I think I tried to get them to stop (which of course never works. :) Who knew that God was using that moment to speak to another hurting person about His great love and care for them!? And I was trying to stop it. 

I am constantly worried about my crazy kids bothering people. We live in a 2 bedroom high rise apartment building with hundred of units. I know that most families don't live in apartment buildings- so I try extra hard to be considerate of others. Well, if you have ever met my three kids you know what this must look like, and for the many of you have not- let me give you an idea..... It's kids running to the elevators to try to be the one to push the button- it's Bentley constantly pushing random buttons to go visit his friend Kristen (who doesn't even live in our building!) it's Lily singing- the boys running- bikes flying around corners- it's asking everyone their names and how they are- it's energy abounding! All the while I'm trying to keep the energy calm and be respectful to the residents. It's nothing less than chaos. :) And if I could learn to let go of controlling their joy and excitement it would be quite lovely!

So I get to the laundry mat and I put the clothes in the washing machines and pull out my journal because I want to record this encounter I have just had- and the words at the top of my journal read, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?"

I stop. 

Wow. 

I start to consider all the ways I am worried about my kids offending or being too chatty or too loud or too energetic- and I start to consider that this might be the thing that needs change. It's my heart towards my children and my heart towards my neighbor. In my desire to control the situation I am blocking the Lord's desire to do what He will through the little people. 

In Matthew 19:14 we read the words of Jesus, 

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Jesus is working through our children... in ways we don't even know!!

After Moses meets God at the burning bush we read..

1 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you[f] will worship God on this mountain.”

As I think about this text I'm so thankful that God doesn't tell Moses all the qualities has to lead the people out.... he doesn't give him a pep talk about his abilities.... he says- I will be with you. And this is how you will know..... 

I know the Lord gives us the same talk as we confront great difficulties. 

One of life's greatest challenges for my husband and I is our son with Down syndrome. He is a lot of work- needs lots of therapies, and help, and medical attention..... 

HOWEVER , I firmly believe Psalm 139:13 when it says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  Yes, Bentley was knit, as is. 

And so when I ask God how I am going to do this- how am I going to raise this child? How am I going to raise all my children? How am I going to let them be their own individuals and say what they'll say (as long as it's kind!) and do as they will (as long as they aren't hurting anyone!) and get myself out of the way??? 

And God says to me, "Adrienne, I will be with you." He doesn't tell me that he has made me to be a special need's mom. He doesn't tell me how He has prepared me for this- the same as it was with Moses- He just tells me I am not alone. And then as I am walking along he gives me these reminders of how He is here. 

So as you go on with your day, consider the question, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?"

Take some time. Let the words flow to your heart. Maybe you'll even forget the question as I did... but write it down and see what you find it. It might be one of the most freeing and life giving moments of late.... I know it has been for me. 

we are the lucky ones

We've reached a decision. David is exclusively applying for jobs in Tucson, AZ. It's a decision that we feel good about, and we are so excited to move forward; but it's also a heart breaking decision.
Michigan has been good to us- and we have been loved- and we have loved- and that love will change with miles- as love does.

I went running through the city tonight- to the river walk- straight up through downtown- passed Comerica Park- and back down to the start of Gratiot- taking that up to Eastern Market to meet David and the kids at our favorite pizza restaurant- Supinos. Detroit is alive- there are people sitting at restaurants, bars, corners- crowds were pouring in for the Tiger's game- couples dressed in heels and ties strolled in for an opera event. The city has drastically changed over the last couple years- and the changes are only the beginning of what's coming. The changes are good and the changes are bad. Some come in and start something new- working with the history of the city- working with the locals- a collaboration of people who want change that keeps the deep roots of the giant Oaks. Others come in and wish to wipe away what is- promising to bring bigger and better. This kind of change is painful to watch. I often think about our experience here. David and I never moved to Detroit to help the city- we didn't move here to make it better- we didn't move here to be part of economic change. We came for medical school. After a little over a year in Ann Arbor we knew he couldn't do the commute anymore- and we knew that Detroit wasn't so bad... so we moved in. Detroit has this interesting new aura of people who are proud to be here- starting biking programs, runners filling up the side walks, bars and restaurants opening every weekend, and all the things that people like in big cities. There is still a lot of racial tension in this city. My experience most of the time is only good. People are kind to my children- opening doors for us, engaging in conversation, and enjoying all that is three crazy little people. Sometimes, however, I feel the tension. I want Detroiters to know I am not here to change the city- I am not here to change this place. There's a tension growing among those who have spent decades here and those who have come in- bought up the cheap properties and are making lots of changes. This tension is difficult for me- I am not a Detroiter, but I also did not arrive in the last 2 years. I came unwillingly. I wanted nothing to do with this cold, lonely place. But this cold- lonely place- took me in- and it has loved me well. When Bentley was a chunky baby- our neighbors loved his jaws- "Look at them jaws!" Which of course meant that they loved his big fat cheeks. Then when he got glasses the men at the bus stop would say, "He look like Bill Gates!" Earlier this summer Bentley ran away at the fountain downtown and a woman from my building found him and convinced him to come back towards the fountain--- "I know who you are- you live in my building  with the 3 kids. He alright. I told him to go back to you." How many times has a stranger brought my son back!?! Yes, we have been loved. It's an odd thing to leave this place for me- I don't think I have ever lived in one place for 8 years. So while I am far from being a Detroiter- it's my home.

We are down to our last 10 months here, which means every month will be the last. This is the last August I'll spend here. My hope is to fully embrace and enjoy each month here until it's time to go back to Arizona. But fully embracing means fully feeling the loss that will be.

Over the years my dad has repeatedly reminded me that God is everywhere. And there were a few years when I wondered if God would only meet me in Detroit- making Detroit more than a physical home, but a spiritual home as well- which made it impossible to leave. Well, it's time to begin transitioning out- and I am so thankful that God. is. everywhere. because I'm sure gonna need Him in Arizona when I'm missing all that is Detroit.

Another mark for Arizona

Why Arizona is amazing ;) 

http://www.movoto.com/az/moving-to-arizona/

Of late

Turns out d isn't going to do the chief thing. He feels like it's a clear decision- don't hold your breath- who knows around here.... So I'm in total list and anxiety mode.... I thought we made the decision- but as it turns out- these are not easy decisions to make. P

photos of late

David and I went to a wedding for his chief resident last week... it was really fun! 

Bentley finished his first year of Kindergarten- stay tuned for round 2 :) 

Bentley refuses to wake up from his nap.... 

Lily and I smile for fun

The following were snapped one after another because Bentley loves to take pictures with me. 

Lily and I enjoy the cottage 

Bentley and I slept on the front porch of the cottage to avoid the beaming morning sun. :) He woke up at 6 AM anyway.... 

Lily and I enjoy Lake Michigan

Lily and Bentley and I (and Clayton after the first half) enjoyed watching the US soccer game downtown. 

I bet you can guess which of my children hates having his picture taken..... 

a lovely celebration

So I thought we were going to our friend's for dinner on our anniversary.... 

Zak and Shira invited us to dinner this week Wednesday as we've been trying to plan this for some time... and I didn't tell them it was our anniversary because I didn't want them to worry- it's almost impossible for us to find babysitters lately so I've basically stopped trying... 

So I'm at speech in the van with a sleeping Clayton and Lily is sitting in my lap singing songs in the front when David walks up- go take my car- you'll see instructions... 

I had a full hour to relax at the apartment and get ready!

 thankful to our friends the Orfs who watched our kids...

We ate at the most delicious restaurant in Detroit... a.maz.ing! 

It was called Cuisine. We shared everything and it was delicious. 

 After dinner we went to the 72nd floor of the Renaissance Center for drinks.

and then we took a nice walk on the water...