HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALIE!

Yep, today is her 7th birthday. Pray for her today. :) Pray that she'll know Christ as her Savior and Daddy who will never leave her or forsake her... and is the only One who can fill the empty spaces and pain she is going to face. And praise God that He has brought me to a place where I can rejoice in her birthday and not be sad that she isn't with us. Enjoy being reminded of her laughter and love!

Good News!

She is doing much better, in fact she is doing really well! You'll all know who "she" is. My heart feels so relieved. Continue praying!

On Loss

H is gone. I am going through one of the greatest grieving times of my life. This little girl walked into our lives and changed us forever. She was in a shelter. She didn't know how to use the bathroom at almost 5 years. She couldn't communicate and she was on meds that made her dull to life. We were able to bring her out of all those things. She became a child of life. A child that would run around and laugh and engage with people. I was able to watch her life transform into something so beautiful.
It's been very painful to wake up today without her. I miss her bare feet pitter pattering on the tile...the smell of her hair as she cuddles in my arms... the sound of her laughter...and the joy that filled our home.
This morning I woke up as a mother on a clock...knowing that she would be getting up soon...yet not having her here was really hard. I just laid in bed staring at the ceiling.
The children at the barbeque yesterday were running around having a great time and I kept wanting her to come and find me...come and surprise me...it's just unreal to have a child in your life one moment and then gone the next.
Many say it's like the death of a child. And it really is. She's gone to us. Of course I trust God and I know she is safe in her new home. However, I will never see her again. I won't be there for her moments of life. And I so deeply long for that.

So I was reading Psalms this morning and a verse struck me. "Blessed is the one who walks in the Light of the Lord."
I truly need light right now. I need my friends to sit with me and cry with me as I sob. I need David to take walks with. I can't handle the dark. The Lord is my light. He is going to bring me through this.
I feel a peace through my pain as well. I know God called us into providing a safe home for a child who had formerly lived in a place that mimicks hell. I know he brought us through the tough months of screaming and shaping. Thus, I know he will bring us through our grief.
Also through all this I think of the heart of God. When I miss our little girl it is painful in the being of who I am. I can't describe what it is one feels when going through loss. And I think of my Jesus.The loss he feels for His people. Being made in His image is painful because when we go through the tough times we get closer to who He is and how He feels about us. He really aches for us to know him and be part of the kingdom.
Overall, I am in a great amount of pain. I go through the regret of ever doing foster care and then I look at the joy it brought us.
I ask that you pray for David and I as we move through this time. He is also struggling greatly.

We will not be adopting H. I'm sure Daid and I will write more later.

update

So I still haven't been able to speak to the CW. Apparently she's been promoted and they are down three...so yeah, it's been really rough communicating. Well, there hasn't been communication. David and I have decided that if chosen, we will adopt her. It's really up to the agency and/or the judge. I don't know if the other homestudy has been completed (for the other family). I don't know if the judge would choose us. It's also crazy because this could effect our trip to Spain. If we are in the middle of adoption we won't go. If they want to remove her we may leave without knowing where she'll be (back at the shelter? in a new foster home?)

So many uknowns. The sovereignty and will of God is all I can trust. Hopefully we will have some questions answered when someone comes to visit on Thursday. Although, she just works at the agency and doesn't know anything about our case.

There is an important meeting on May 2, involving the CW and her supervisor. I am not sure what they will be talking about, but I know it's about H.

On a deleted post, Mom mentioned choosing a date and fasting as a family. I am totally for this. Or at least praying. I know adopting her is a HUGE deal. I also know it's not up to us. They will choose a family for H and ultimately God will lead them in the right direction. David and I are going to fast and pray on Sunday if anyone wants to join us. Or whenever. If God speaks insight to you about this decision, please share with us!
Thanks. Love ya all. It's really great to be part of such a special family

upside down

My life feels upside down and I feel at a complete loss of control. Another unexpected arrive yesterday. We will not be transitioning H to live with her grandma. Her grandma isn't ready...and the state isn't ready. So what does that mean for her?? Well either another foster home or with a relative she's never met in another state. It's all the same to H...going to an unknown place. There is a slit possibility that we could take her with us. At least, I have this idea spinning in my mind...the officials have to agree and make it happen.
When I got the news I broke down. I just hate that her future is so fragile and so unclear. I am at the mercy of my Lord. A good place to be, but a very scary place. Will He really protect her? Is He really going to make sure she ends up in a family that is good to her? I don't think He promises that. Does He? Are there no guarantees while you are here, but only a guarantee for those who believe and will receive eternal life? I am a human of the now. Take care of her now! I guess it would be better to live a horrible life, but come to know Jesus and be saved then to have a great life and never know your Creator. Are those the options? Of course not. Are those the options for H? I don't know anymore.
I know God is asking me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of her. I am not ready to let go. I want her with me. I want to know she is safe and loved. Even though she is a child of the state she has wiggled her way into my heart as my daughter. And I love her as such. I want for her the way I will want for my own.
So prayer for our H. Pray for her life. And pray for whether you think we should consider taken her to MI (if the opportunity arrives). Yes, I am asking for truth.
Thanks for loving her.

on transitioning

The inevitable has presented itself. H will probably begin her transition to be with her family. Transitioning in foster care is really hard because 99% of the time the children are released into homes that are "better" than where they came from, but not as good as the foster home. I feel really sad, although I am trying not to think about it. My strategy in dealing with pain in life is to disconnect. I have done this a few times over the past few motnhs. I have been seeing a counselor from our church who is also my friend and we talked about my disconnecting is a sin. Tough. It's true though. I signed up to love the unloved and I am required in my commitment to the children to love them and stay connected. This will be the hardest part of transitioning... staying connected to a child I will know nothing of in 6 months. However, she deserves the best.
So this transition will take a few months, but my goal is to have her gone before we leave for Spain. I desire this selfishly and unselfishly. Selfishly I will be able to detox in Spain for 3 weeks.... I can disconnect! Unselfishly if we leave for 3 weeks H will go into an unknown home come back to us for about a week or 2 and then move on. Yeah, not the greatest for her.
I would like us all to pray. Pray that God's hand will walk with her during life and that He will call her into His kingdom by name. That she may know Him. Pray that I survive this. :) Not only that I "survive", but that if it is God's desire for us to take in another precious unloved child that we will. I see this as a calling for our life, but it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. God is amazing. He puts these amazing desires in our hearts...yet they are the most difficult of all things.
Thank you for all your continuous love and support.
pray.

current thoughts on adoption

So David and I have finally arrived home. :) We had a great time visiting family, but it's always a joy to return home. On our way back from Sedona we began discussing our current situation with H and where we want to go from here. David has been apprehensive to adopting her for a variety of reasons. I have seen it as more of an obligation. We have received advice from both sides of the spectrum Ultimately, it is in God's hands and He will guide us down the right path. However, I think we may know what will happen. I asked David to be honest with me about how he is feeling so that I can prepare myself to let her go. It's been an uphill battle and I am finally ready to surrender to my husband. David really misses just having me and he wants to keep H until her adoption with this other family is finalized. He wants to enjoy being young and married without the kids... I am starting to agree. There are two things that I am passionate about 1. Children 2. Travelling. I am hoping that without our little bug we can save up some money and take a trip this summer and then every year until we can't afford it and/or have kids. I want to lower our expenses in order to take a trip together every year. We met travelling and during our dating time we always managed to go somewhere...we both want to get back to this.
I feel selfish admitting such desires, but I know there is more to it than an addiction to travel. I honestly don't think I can be who H needs me to be. I am short tempered and know nothing about raising a child with aggression and delays beyond belief. God is giving me what I need to get her to her next home, but I fall short of this every day as well. I just don't think I can offer her everything that she needs. It is very hard for me to admit this because I want to be the perfect Mom and the one who receives all this recognition for doing a good job, but I need to be honest with myself.
Admitting what will happen in a couple short months is really tough, but it also gives me relief. My goal is to work on not disconnecting myself from her and to continue to love her dearly.
Also, I changed the name of my blog so that I can write about more than one thing. I am not as articulate as my husband and his siblings...but I want to share my thoughts just the same. ;) Maybe with time I will write like them.......ehh it would take too much reading and processing! I will just stick to my simple thoughts. :)

Christmas day

What a great day! Christmas was full of the love of family. I really enjoyed spending the day with our little peanut and watching her enjoy her gifts. She still has lots of gifts to open!! After opening presents for awhile she was ready to be done. I think what we often want for others isn't what they need. So we all wanted to shower her with gifts and give her everything she has never received, but it's really sensory overload for her. Sad and unfortunate, but true. I long to see her begin to play with her toys independently and confidently. She still needs a lot of coaxing.
This afternoon we went to the field to play some games. H did so well kicking the ball and running around! I was so proud to see her loosening up and look like a real kid. I think we will try to go to the field frequently while we are in Nogales so she can have the opportunity to play.
I so enjoy having her in our life. Everyday is a true blessing. It's amazing to sit back and watch David interact with her. The way he throws her in the air and catches her, the way she cuddles up in his lap, and the way he reads her bedtime stories. It all brings such joy to me.
Well, I hope you all had a great Christmas with family and friends.

I think being a Mom changes me. Not only in the obvious ways, but little by little as well. The three of us went to the Christmas tree lot last night. We decided on a smaller tree this year, only 6 feet. :) H was running around laughing and she had the greatest time. When we got home David made dinner while H and I made chocolate chip cookies. What a treat! This morning H and I got up and decorated the tree. She loved putting on all the ornaments. It didn't matter to me that all the ornaments were placed at the same level on only half the tree. The joy was watching her choose their place. How could I change their location just because trees should have ornaments scattered? She made it so beautiful. Yes, I had to consciously decide not to say anything about where the ornaments should be placed! Part of my need for control includes ornament placements. Some of the ornaments that didn't make it on the tree last year because they are kind of silly were definetely placed this year. The greatest thing about kids is that they don't analyze the ascthetic beauty in everything. The tree is beautiful to H because it is Christmas time and she was able to decorate it, not because the ornaments were expensive and perfectly placed. I think of the people who pay to have their tree put up and their ornaments on. How sad. We all need to retreat to the youthfulness of children. H is a constant reminder of how hard I try to run away from that place. I read this and think of all the ways that H does things in a more simple and beautiful way. I love watching many of the parents at our church, The Village. The allow their children to be individuals and enjoy things without their parents pressuring them with their issues. The kids are often mismatched and quite happy. At first I thought, I could never let my little girl leave the house that way! Yet I am starting to see the purpose in their madness!! David put her in these pink pants with a red shirt and then she put on a pink cowgirl hat and they went out to the grocery store last weekend. The spontaneous gesture of the hat at the last minute made her look so happy and beautiful. He does such a good job at letting her be free. We love little H and we are honored to be part of her life.

life as a mom

I am really enjoying being a mom. I love brushing her hair and putting it up in pigtails, pony tails, and braids. I love the way she smells after her bubblegum bubble baths. I love that she wants to say goodnight and kisses me.
She has this smile that makes me weak.
There are times when she makes me crazy because she won't put on her stupid pull up...but when she finally puts it on and runs out, "Look, Mom, I did it!" All I can do is wrap her up in my arms and hold her.
I think about what it means to truly lift her up to Jesus. My friend, Cindy, made a good point. We must lift all children up to Jesus. We can never hold on too tightly for we never know the number of their days. What does this mean- offering them to Jesus? My mom suggests I dive right in- I have no idea how long she will be with us- why hold back at all? Well, I hold back from time to time to save myself from the agony of watching another one go. The only hope is that there are more.... more children who need a safe place. Will I ever feel used and exhausted by these children?
I wonder where Jesus is going to take us. I love looking back on my life and seeing His plan laid out...what will this turn out to be? Will we be that family who took in 20 children over the years or will we retire early. Part of me wants to jump ahead just so I can look back. Why is it that I would rather jump ahead and look back than take in the moment and take advantage of all that I have? Is it safer to look back than to live now? Looking back requires nothing. Well, it requires us to see our mistakes and attempt to prevent the same in the future. However, living in the moment requires a huge amount of faith that God is going to take me through all the struggles. I think one of the things I need to work on is living in the moment and trusting God in each current situation. I think God is asking me to allow Him to be a bigger part in the smaller things. Rather than make decisions all day long alone, or with David's guidance, He is asking me to call on Him. I think it's so easy to trust God and follow Him on the "big" stuff- marriage, adoption, job choice, relationships, etc... What about- so I have the next hour free- what should I do? I think God really wants me to call on Him for direction. Being romanced by Christ is so much more than the "big" stuff. It's in everything.

I also want to mention that I probably brought up adoption prematurely. I have no idea how long it will be until we are at the place when they will need us to say "yes" or "no". However, we are praying about it and getting to know our little one more and more. David says foster care is like dating and adopting is like marriage. I got angry and said, "It's not at all the same because you wouldn't marry someone just because no one else would." (I was referring to the fact that maybe no one else will want to adopt her.)
He said, "Exactly."
I understand what he means. So I guess we are dating the little one. Adoption, like marriage, is forever. So even though I won't really know the next step for awhile, you can always pray that God reveal His plan to us.

brace yourself

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted! So the honeymoon phase is over. Tantrums have officially taken off! Wow- this little girl can throw a tantrum! So far, nothing we can't handle. :) However, consider yourself fairly warned if you have the opportunity to see such things!!! Other than the tantrums she is doing great. :) She likes her preschool. She seems to play well with others.
We have amazing support from family, friends, our church community and scool. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
So, what's up with the brace yourself--- that's what you all want to know!!!
Her parent's rights were severed yesterday. Yep, it's official- she is not going home. A vary rare scenario in the foster child world. So I emailed her case worker just to see if we are an option. She writes, "YES!!!! I didn't know you were considering adoptiong H! You just made my day!" So now David and I have a big big decision to make.
So far this is where we are: We had already decided maybe the military isn't our best route for medical school funds. Imagining time apart does not sound fun. We can take out loans and then after medical school David can serve in an "underserved community in AZ". There are a few options- Tucson, Nogales, Casa Grande, Green Valley, etc... So this changes a few things... no babies for awhile and I have to keep working. However, with H in school it won't be a big deal to work and take care of her. We also still will receive an adoption subsidy and I think insurance until she is 20.
I fell very anxious. I know we both really want to adopt her, but this is a very scary decision. It will effect us- forever. I also love her so much and I can't imagine saying no. Ultimately, it's what God wants. So God, what do you want?
Please pray for discernment. Please pray for H. Please pray for us.

ahhh life is good

So H has been with us since Monday. It is going great! She has settled in well at home. She is learning how to be part of a family, but I know she loves every minute of it. H has never been part of a family- never been taken care of. She is learning her boundaries and getting a dose of discipline.
This week was a bit difficult in discovering the schedule that suits her best. She currently is at a PreK school that is apparently great for her discibilities. However, they only meet 2 hours, 4 days a week, with only a half hour devoted to actually learning. So we were dropping her off and then barely making it to school on time. Then I would have to leave at my first break to go and bring her back to our school. And what for??? 30 minutes of learning centers!!! I am not an advacate of public schools!!!! Anyway, we finally figured it out and as long as I can get her IEP accomodated at our school then she is OK to come! HURRAY!!! Every baby step towards what is best for this little girl deserves a big HURRAYYY!!!! :)
She does very well at our school. Her aggression doesn't appear to be any worse than the other monsters. :) She actually has very few outbursts. Hmmmm a little love from those around her goes a long way.
She has regressed to pull-ups- which is frustrating, but understandable. We are really working on getting her trained again. Hopefully, with consistency she won't regress again.
I met her case worker yesterday. She is fabulous!!!! I love her. She is totally interested in what is best for H. She said that she has never seen H talk as much as she is. She is very excited with how well she is doing. I am glad that she is progressing so well. Sounds like some of her issues might be genetic, but others are a result of other things.
Today we will get her hair cut. We are going to buy her training wheels for a bike given to us. And there is an adoption celebration clinic thing at the park I am meeting up with a friend to go to.
I am still working on offering her to Jesus. I know I am in a better place than when we had N, but I still need to offer more. I think my offering creates a trust that He will always take care of me. It also creates humility in me. Humility takes me to a place that I love to be, but it requires so much to get there. The biggest thing is that I need to trust that God does have a plan for the broken. He does take care of the homeless, motherless. Wherever this little one goes is exactly where she should be. I am learning to BELIEVE that truth.
Anyway, thanks for all your prayers, encouragement, and gifts. She is going to be the best dressed 4 year old I have ever seen!!!!! I hope you all have a chance to be touched by her.

a great weekend

So much has happened in so little time! H came to stay with us on Friday and was to be returned on Saturday. Well, we kept her another day because it went so well. She warmed herself right up in our hearts. :) What a precious little girl. I've decided the greatest thing about a 4 year old is nap time!!! It is so nice to have time to myself- or to get more done around the house.
Anyway, we have decided to take her in. It will be a longer stay. I know there are going to be lots of obstacles, but I am looking forward to what happens. I do have to mention it was extremely difficult to take H back to the shelter this evening. We tried to prepare her by discussing that she would go back for tonight and that we will be back for her tomorrow or Tuesday. All was going well until the lady opened the bolted door to H's prison. She began to scream and gave David and an unforgettable look. It was so hard. The lady had to peel her off of me. Hey, I have had that happen before.... ahhh!!!! Anyway, it took everything in me to not go back and get her.
Our pastor's sermon played an instrumental part of this whole foster care thing. Eric was talking about the cost of discipleship. He asked us a couple times throughout the sermon about what our personal costs. Immediatly H's face came to mind- as well as N's. For me, the cost of discipleship is loving these kids without ever receiving anything back. It is giving all I have in each moment and knowing that they could be gone in an instant. It has been really hard when I experience the pain of loving. When I have the kids around my life is full of joy and happiness in seeing the kids excited. However, when the time has come for them to return I get a pit in my stomach and my time with them feels pointless. I think God is really asking me to offer H to Him. He wants all of her...and he wants me to release trying to control her destiny. I am anxious to see what this looks like. He really spoke truth about this tonight during worship. I love to worship Christ and I am often very moved through worship. He just reassured me that the kids are in His control...and I have to believe this as TRUTH- especially when I feel there is no hope for the kids.
Anyway, I love loving H- and I look forward to loving her for a long time. I will let you know more about what it means to offer H to Christ.

a great evening

I took H out for the evening. We had a great time. She played with Ashton and had a wonderful time. She was cracking up with me in the car. :) We had a nice dinner together and then I dropped her back off at casa. She couldn't have walked slower going back. She stays the night tomorrow and David will be able t spend quality time with her. Keep us in your prayers.

Whew, that was better

Our teaching meeting was cancelled yesterday and I was able to go spend more time at Casa with H. When I got there I took her into her room and she choose to play with the blocks. I watched her piece together the blocks and the car with it's wagon. She did a great job putting all thing toys together. I could tell she was trying to talk and communicate while playing- not necessarily to me, but with herself. I played with her as well. Then we read a couple books together. She was able to pronunciate the words when I would say them first. She also knew all the sounds of the animals in the books. I don't care what anyone says- SHE IS SMART!!!! She picked up on it all very quickly. She just needs the cognitive stimulation. After awhile I said, "H is time to pick up your toys." She put all of her toys back in the bag. Then we walked out to the playground so that I could see her interact with the other kids. She was cracking up with 2 younger boys. I enjoyed watching her laugh. I gave her a hug when I left and told her I would see her tomorrow (today). I am feeling much better about her. She did very well. She did hit one of the little boys and her teacher said, "H !" and she said, "Ok." It was good to see that she stopped and then was able to continue to play. Sue says I really need to trust David and listen to what he says. I agree. She thinks he has a lot of wisdom. :) So far he is supportive of all we are doing. He looks forward to spending more time with her. It's nice to not be in a rush and take our time.

burdened by visit one

So we visited H yesterday afternoon. She's beautiful. :) She can't talk. She mumbles a few words here and there- some that even make sense- but definetely not sentences. She regresses to diapers periodically. I am told this is not unusual of children her age. The most difficult thing to imagine is her aggression. Apparently she can get aggressive with some of the kids. If a child hits her on Monday and she sees the child on Wednesday- she will hit the child on Wednesday. We had her cracking up and enjoying our brief visist. After talking with our friends at the Seneca House- our pastor, his wife, our friend who works for CPS, and some others that were there I understand a bit more about her behaviors. Our good friend with CPS has met hundreds of children and helped us understand some of her behaviors....but for the long term there is no telling if the will diminish or continue.... it really depends on her. I am feeling burdened by this whole case. The time we spent with her she was great. How can such an innocent child be so aggresive??? At 3 years old??? David wants to do foster care, but he doesn't think we can handle the really tough cases. I agree. We need to find out more about her aggresion. How often does she get violent? How do they help her to calm down? The developmental delays don't worry me in terms of accepting her in our home. I can work with her on that. I am not sure where God has us in this whole thing. To be honest, if we don't take her in...who will? What home takes only 1 child? Not many. She's been in the shelter for 3 months and no other foster families have been to visit her. This is not the reason to take her in, but it breaks my heart. Sometimes I get so frustrated with all that God reveals to me. The injustice done to children is hard to take in. For some reason He has called us in this direction.... I think this is only the beginning of the stories we will here. I will talk to all kinds of people today to find out more info. I hope this takes us in a direction. Keep us and H in your prayers.

Possible Placement

I spoke with Karen, our LW yesterday. There is a little girl- 3 and a half- in need of a home. She sounds like a great match for us. She already has a preschool where she is doing well- near our home. :) She needs a home where she can be by herself. She needs a lot of attention and affection. Sounds like she has just been existing during her life and hasn't had anyone take a role. She is living in a group home. She has been out of her home since January. David and I get to go meet her this week- I am hoping for today! We then decide if she will do well in our home. There are a lot of things I like. She needs to be alone- we can provide that. She has trouble focusing- I am trained in this area with my students. She is a girl- I love baby girls. :) She needs love and affection. We love to love and offer affection. God is faithful and He will bring her to us if it is His plan. I can't wait to meet her!!!!!!
Keep us in your prayers.

choosing a child

Hmmm so I spoke with our licensing worker (LW) yesterday, and told her we would probably be ready early next week. We have been redoing a section of our house and so it's quite messy and chaotic. N came as an emergency placement. She was removed from her home and brought to our house that evening. We were to have her at least until the court hearing to find out if she would go home or be placed in the system. It was really hard to do emergency becuase there are so many unknowns. There are children who are in the system, but in group homes and shelters because there aren't enough families. This time we are going to receive a child or 2 children that are already in the system, but don't have a home. So I asked Karen, our LW, how this process works. She has a list of all the children and will look for siblings that fit our criteria 0-10 years and we can't have different genders if one is over the age of 6...it gets complicated. So then she calls the child's case manager and finds out more of the case. Then either the case manager calls us or we are given the name and number to call. The point is that ultimately, we say, "Yes, sounds like a good fit." What is a good fit for us? Honestly, I am a little untrusting. I placed this whole thing in God's hands and he gave us everything that we needed and more...but the pain that was caused when we had something so good. Part of me wants to have a child/children that are tough so that I won't miss them so much when they go. I would ask that you pray for us and give us wisdom when the phone call comes. Chances are, we will say yes to whatever children are needed. The number of children needing homes is overwhelming, and the ongoing question with anyone who has a choice when adopting or fostering is, "Well, why not this child?" I pray that God would once again give us a great placement for our family so that we can love them with all we have, and welcome them into a home of love. I look forward to the opportunities that each of you have to spend time with the kids. I think you'll sense the urgency to love the broken. I am thankful that I worship a God of the broken. :)
I can't wait to find out what happens!!!

trust

I have decided to have a specific purpose for this blog. The purpose being to lay my heart out about foster care. I enjoy writing, and a journal would be a great way to express my thoughts. I also love to share my thoughts...so this is a combination of the two. In our busy lives we often lose track of one another and get behind on current happenings. Thus, this blog will help keep those I love stay close to my heart.
Our first foster care placement was a roller coaster ride.
I received a call that an 8 year old girl was in need of a home. I felt nervous, excited, anxious, and overwhelmed. However, once she arrived in our home, I knew this little girl would find her way into my heart. "I love you," she said, as I tucked her into bed.
I love you? "I don't know you, child," I thought, "How can you love me?" But that's the thing about children...they love...and she loved us well.
It was a brutal good-bye. I had a half an hour to pull myself together and let her know. She was screaming, "Mama, dont' let them take me away! I want to stay with you, Mom! PLEASE!" All I could do was hold her in my arms and cry. The time came for her to go and we had to drive away. It was like the movies, pouring down rain with sad music and broken hearts.
I walked in to her room to find her clothes in the hamper to be washed, her art projects waiting to be finished, and her homework left undone. Dead. Frozen. Empty.
It still hurts to think of this beauitful child.
I scream, "Why, God? Why for such a short time? Why such a perfect fit for us?"
He will answer in His time. So I wait and trust in Him....for I know this is truly beyond my understanding.
I thought I was done offering my heart. God had other plans. So I am preparing to bring in another love. In some ways I feel, what's the point? Seriously? So a child can experience a great home for a short time and then return to the hell they were taken out away from? Some say this is not trusting God. I say, it's the result of sin. Sin is what got that little girl into my home and sin is what leads me away from trusting in the Lord's plan... and the child is the one who is innocent...without a choice.
While I wait, I pray, Lord, I offer these children to you. Both the children who are found and the children who are silently crying for someone to discover the tragedy of their lives. Lord, allow me to trust in your greater plan. Take my little girl and walk with her throughout her life. Call her by name that she may know and trust in you. Bring justice to those who abused her. Give her grandmother strength to raise her. Light your fire in their lives. I lift up my worries, my anxiety, my pain. In your name I pray. Amen