on communal living

When I began blogging several years ago it was always my intent to be open and vulnerable about my life. I decided this because I think it is important foremost as a Christian to walk openly and humbly before others so that
1. I continue to recognize my brokenness
2. I allow others to pray for me.

So this is one of those posts I'd rather not write because I do have some shame in it and it's a difficult issue to convey via text (vs. conversation). However, it is one of the greatest things in our life right now and there definitely is need for prayer.

So about a year ago David and I began pursuing the purchase of the home we now live in. Initially Scott and Kristen had discussed renting from us for a year and seeing how it went, but after realizing that there were a lot of decisions that we had to make involving the renovating of a home decided to join us in the process and presented the idea of buying the house with us. We quickly accepted the offer as it aligned with our vision of communal living. The first few months were filled with major house decisions and hundreds of hours of labor to avoid paying a contractor to do EVERYTHING. But alas the move in day arrived and we quickly made this house, home. Over the past year we have grown very close to Scott and Kristen. It has been an incredible year.

However, Scott and Kristen approached us a few weeks ago declaring their decision to move out and find a home of their own. There is no dissension, no bitterness. There was no major conflict or fight. In fact, other than the normal stuff we have lived very well together - addressing conflict immediately and praying and taking care of one another. There aren't in a rush to get out as they are looking to buy a home in this community and there aren't a whole lot of move in ready homes in Detroit. (They don't want to renovate a home again).

So currently we are living in this transitional place where Scott and Kristen are actively looking for a home while David and I are continuing to fix this one up. Once again, there isn't any awkwardness, but it is a different atmosphere. If I am completely honest with myself this house probably wasn't big enough for 2 families that want many children. While we are currently on pause (but still praying through foster care or adoption or biological), the Selle's are just beginning (no, they aren't pregnant!) So instead of waiting it out and cramming in kids, they thought they'd get settled into their own place, preferably nearby. I don't want to share too much of their story, since it is their story, so I will leave it at that.

Since this is MY blog I do get to share some of my story. :) Initially I was super bummed- and I can actually look back and see I went through the "grieving process". So first I experienced shock and denial. When they first told us I didn't sleep and I was really sad. Shortly after came the guilt and pain. So I began to think of all the things I did wrong and I have just done this or that differently they would've stayed with us. Then came the anger and bargaining. This is usually where I would stop feeling- so my feeling was more like- peace out- go do your thing. And I wanted to disconnect. But I decided early on to pursue our relationship with reconciliation through Christ rather than my response without Christ. Then came the depression. So feeling super bummed and just not really sure how to proceed. So then things started looking up. I experienced reconciliation. After countless hours of meetings and conversations I was able to see that I was going to be OK. :) Finally, acceptance and hope. Yes, Kristen and Scott are moving out. And yes, we are going to be OK. And I have started dreaming up all the things I can do now that they are leaving! (Like, giving Lily her own room, putting my sewing machine on the third floor, getting a dog, not having to be so quiet in the mornings with the boys, etc...)

Perhaps if you are reading this you are wondering why it's such a big deal. So here's the thing- the Selle's living with us, wasn't a financial decision and it wasn't a quick decision- it was a long drawn out decision rooted in the belief that communal living is not only doable, but valuable. As I've mentioned several times, David and I got to experience the beauty of communal living in Tucson through our friends the Brunsons, Cepins, and Cheryl- a community house going on like 15 years together. They even have kids (2 in each of the families). So after experiencing it through those friends I really wanted it for my own life and my children.  To make it work there are a lot of things that you have give up though. I am going to list some of the things that I have experienced, but please don't read them and assume the Selle's agree or disagree- once again this part of my post isn't about them. :) I think you have to give up the desire for me and mine- as in my kitchen will look this way all the time (because with more adults there are more messes/need to clean up)- or my children- and don't you discipline them! (because everyone in the house has a determined authority over the children or else they would begin to take full advantage of the non parents). Every major decision (or sometimes even the minor ones) have to be discusses among at least 4 people rather than the traditional 2. Space. You give up a lot of space when you're sharing space with others. But with the sacrifices come GREAT gains- only cooking a few times a week, but eating healthy homemade meals almost every night! Consistently having someone around to talk with. Experiencing life with a group of people. After parties there are 4 people to help clean up and not just 2. (we have a lot of gatherings here!)

The next question people tend to ask me is, "Are you going to have someone else move in?" And the answer is, "I don't know." We still believe in communal living, but we recognize that it is quite difficult to find people actually willing to do it! We could rent out the third floor, but we aren't sure if we are going to do that yet.

So anyway, pray for us. Pray that there would be continued unity in the home. Pray that the Selle's are able to find a home near us that allows them to continue to be missional in this community. Pray that David and I would use the time after they leave to enjoy living alone (it'll have been 4 years! Actually we have lived with people a lot- Steven during our first year of marriage, then we had Halie, then we moved to Ann Arbor and lived in the condo ALONE for a year-- then came Bentley, then the whole time we have lived in Detroit we have lived with people).

So anyway, look forward to seeing a post with a dog in it. Ha.

House Christmas Dinner

We had our house Christmas dinner on Monday, December 14th. It was great! I made "Reindeer Chili" (venison chili), with cornbread, green beans, and salad. Leigh made york peppermint brownies with peppermint ice cream. It was a feast to remember! We had a wonderful time socializing and sharing our hearts with one another. We also did a gift exchange that turned out so great! The only requirement was not to spend more than $6.50 on your gift. The creativity made it so fun!

Anyway, here are some pictures!!! They're a little random.... but I think there are more on Micah's camera... I'll have to get them later.

a different view

Living in community has been a good experience thus far. It's funny though how everyone asks, "So how is living in community going anyway?" Sort of that- now that you're actually doing this crazy thing, it can't be working- can it? To which we all respond- it's going really well, we're enjoying it! We all get along really well, and everyone seems to do more than their share in house duties, etc... It's great to see us work out our selfish desires for the greater good of the house- and to be submissive to Christ's calling. We aren't doing these things perfectly, but are doing them- which makes it easier to forgive one another when we fall short.

Living with another married couple- Chris and Leigh- has been an experience too. It's so interesting to see how they interact with one another- deal with conflict, demonstrate their love and affection... etc... None of these things have been negative- but just very different than how David and I do things. Sometimes I do get jealous. Chris and Leigh are actually quite romantic- On date night they go to nice restaurants, or when date night occurs at home, bring champagne and chocolate covered strawberries up to their room. It was their 2nd anniversary this week and Chris bought Leigh a dozen beautiful red roses which are carefully displayed on the dining room table for all to enjoy- he cooked a delicious dinner for her and tonight is taking her to Coach Insignia- the 2nd highest restaurant in the US located at the top of the Renaissance Center. I am so excited for them and it has been really fun to celebrate in God's uniting of two very special people who love one another very much. I feel so grateful to be part of the celebration.
David and I are the opposite. David doesn't like to celebrate holidays- no Valentine celebrations- and we'll be apart for our 4th anniversary in June- (we were apart last year too). When I bring these things up to David he says things like, "You don't even like to dress up and go out to expensive restaurants! And you would rather save the money from flowers!" And I know that it's true. I would rather save our money and travel if possible. He also says things like, "You're a hippie, and hippies don't do stuff like that!" :) Also, I always feel guilty spending lots of money on things because I think of all the people who live in poverty and if we redistributed our money there wouldn't be poverty- and so I feel an inherent responsibility to redistribute. So I guess in some ways I am grieving the call we have received from Christ to live frugally (even though I sin against this call a lot). So I am not sure why I feel jealous. Do I really want David to take me to a fancy restaurant for dinner?
In contrast, the thing that David and I do very well is travel together. I have loved our adventures- taking a 24 hour bus ride from Nogales to Fresnillo and a 35 hour bus ride from Mexico City to Guatemala City. We have traveled around Spain twice. Been to Jamaica and around the US. I love experiencing the world with David. It's what brought us together- our greatest thing in common. So I guess as we have settled down into medical school and having children (which has kept me from traveling to Haiti and Honduras with him) we have to find ways to connect and enjoy new adventures where we are. Does that mean the traditional dinners or a night at dancing? I am not sure. But I think I am longing for something. As we grow into our roles as parents and more stable adults, it will be important to keep the romance without the extravagance. Has this been a transition for those of you with kids? How did you make sure to keep the romance? (And I don't mean- you know- I mean just spending quality time together!)
Anyway, living in community is cool and it has been changing me.

moving in...

We moved into our place on Saturday. It went really well. We had SOOO much help. Friends from church arrived at Matt and Lisa's at 10:45 AM to unload all of their things, and then we drove over to our house (about a mile away) to unload all of our things. Matt and Lisa's things were in storage in Ypsilanti- so we shared a moving truck. It worked out really well. The hardest part is getting everything unpacked! I am past the point of being overwhelmed. The kitchen things are mostly put away... our bedroom is closer too... and the bathroom is done... we're down to all the random things.... which is why I am taking a break and writing this blog instead of working! Saturday night we all went and got tacos in Mexicantown. They are sooo good! You can get a taco for a dollar... and they're so authentic! Yummy!So anyway, it's been good. It's fun to wake up in the morning and have breakfast with lots of people around and to just know there's someone to talk to most of the time. :)
Alrighty, well I better get unpacking. Pictures to come soon!

What is a hippie commune anyway?

So I have been thinking... that you all must think we are crazy to move into a house with 2 single guys and a married couple. It's not normal, we realize that. You are not the only one thinking it! So to welcome you into our excitement I decided I better blog about this whole thing. Unfortunately for you I am not very articulate and it takes me 10 words for what it takes David to say in 4. :) But I will try to convey the heart behind this decision so that you can be joyous in our decision and step away from judgment... just kidding, I know you aren't sitting around saying, "Can you believe what David and Adrienne are doing again!?!?!?"

HIPPIE COMMUNE:
A dramatic name to describe intentional communal living. (I know what you are thinking... David and Adrienne... dramatic... never! (Remember our slogan for our BBQ to welcome Spring last year... Pagan Party!) So don't get scared away because of our labels.)

Is it Biblical? Jesus didn't say, "Move into a big house with a group of your Christian brothers (and sisters) and love one another well." But He didn't say not to. :)He did, however, say the following things which are quite important in thinking about living in community:

Be kind and compassionate to one another; forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph. 4:32

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness and humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:12-17

Dear Children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and truth.
1 John 3: 18

We are going to have the opportunity to live out those verses. I am definitely going to fail to love my housemates well, but as I memorize them and remind myself of the truth behind love, I hope to learn what it means to really live among fellow believers- share in their joys, pains, disappointments, and in their lives in general.

WHY NOT GET SOME HOUSES ON A BLOCK AND LIVE NEXT DOOR:
Great question.
So the current situation of 4 of the housemates is this: hospital rotations for the next 1-2 years (Leigh only has 1 year because she's in PA school-Physicians Assistant) meaning the range of work will be 40-110 hours a week.) As a stay at home mom that meant a lot of alone time with Bentley and we thought it best to be in a communal living situation for the benefit of me being able to be around people. For Chris, Leigh, and Scott it meant not going home to an empty house. The 6th mate, Micah, is an engineer for GM and doesn't want to live alone anymore. Renting 4 houses or apartments doesn't make sense for the above reasons + economically it really doesn't make sense.

SO DO YOU SHARE EVERYTHING?
We each have our own bedrooms and other than Scott's tiny room- the rooms are large and have enough space for more than our beds, but also a desk or futon or both... depending on how we want to fit our things. But other than our bedrooms, yes, we share everything.
We have made extensive lists on the things that each person is bringing to contribute- in the kitchen, living room, etc... Bringing such items to share means that they will get used a lot and might get broken... which means a lesson in not holding on to stuff. I think Jesus taught us something about that... "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21

DO YOU EAT ALL YOUR MEALS TOGETHER?
We will make a large grocery list that meets the needs for everyone's meal desires... specific cereals and lunch items, and then a dinner meal plan will be made for the week. We have a large calendar in the kitchen where people can say if they'll be home for dinner, if any friends are coming over, and if they want to volunteer to cook.... otherwise, yours truly, will be doing most of the cooking. :) (Which I am happy and thankful to do).


HOW ABOUT MONEY? So we are opening up a joint checking account where we will all put in X amount of dollars to pay for groceries, rent, and utilities.

HOW WILL YOU DEAL WITH CONFLICT? Henri Nouwen in his book, Lifesigns, discusses this issue. I can't quote it because I lent my book out to a friend. But he talks about in relationships we can't hold on too loosely and not love people well, but we can't hold on too tightly as to not address our conflicts openly for fear of damaging the relationship... but there is a constant need to find the middle. I know we will fail with this regularly, but we do have one plan in place, thanks to my role model community house... the Seneca House in Tucson, AZ- they have lived in community for 10.5 years! We will have weekly dinners as a family to discuss any issues that are going on in the house and pray for our desire to live together and minister together. If there aren't any issues to address we'll play games or have Micah get out his guitar and sing some songs- or take a walk around the neighborhood....

This has been a slow, thought out process- our hippie commune- we presented the idea to friends a year ago- sort of joking- and God has formed our hearts to prepare for the house. David and I imagined living in community a couple years ago- but the time wasn't right. We prayed for specific things in a home- and God answered our prayers. :) We are the most random group of people, but we all have one thing in common- We love the Lord, have a heart for the broken in Detroit, and long to be in community.

So look forward to reading about the joys, struggles, and comedies of living in a home of 6 people and a baby. And pray for us as you think of it.

Oh and here's some pictures of our housemates:
Scott, Chris and Leigh, and Micah. :) I'll have a picture of all of us soon!

Scott

 

Chris and Leigh

 

 

Me, the crier and other updates

Lots of cool things happening here in Detroit. David and I are both being dicipled- Lisa disciples me and Matt disciples David. They are great. They were missionaries in Mexico for a couple years so we have a lot in common. Also, they are the leaders of our small group- which include another 2 couples. We now have a Sunday service at 11 AM. I really like it. Eric is a really good pastor. He's very good at what he does. :) I am going to be teaching the 4th-6th grade Sunday school once a month, so that's exciting. We are using the Desiring God ministries for kids by John Piper. I haven't seen the curriculum yet, but I will be teaching in 2 weeks- so I better get on that! Also, I am starting a Mama Club (Mack Ave Moms Alive in Christ. :) on Wednesday from 10-12 at our place. Bentley is the oldest of 6 babies in our church- plus there are many other young children. So we'll be connecting to love on our kiddos and talk about issues that are linked to motherhood- food, diapers, discipline, how to raise our children in a Godly way, etc... I am soooo excited! It will also be a good way to get to know moms in the neighborhood.
We move into our hippie commune in like 12 days!!!! CRAZY! I am so excited. Today we had everyone over for dinner- I made beef barley stew (I used venison instead of beef) and it was delicious! Side note.... so we had everyone ever to talk about all the details of living together... Just to give you an idea of what moving into a hippie commune looks like here are some of the things we discussed:
- Food- do we share it all? What kinds of foods are staple foods to have in the house
-Furniture- we have this, you have that, what are we bringing???
- Who will be in charge of paying what bills
- we need to open up our joint checking account
-get the security system set up on the house
- internet, blah blah blah
- where will we put this, and that
- how many people will be eating on average together- it will be common to have an additional 4-5 people for dinners on a weekly basis-
-and the list goes on and on and on
It's exciting though. We are going to be sharing our lives with people who love the Lord and have a heart for the broken in Detroit. We are excited to serve our community together. Our home is going to be a refuge. So yeah, good things are happening here.
Well, we are going to play a game of Settlers- it wouldn't be a Monday night without it!

Oh you're probably wondering why I titled it: Me, the Crier- so I gave the announcement at church yesterday about the Mom's group and I talked about how the heart behind starting the group was because so many moms I know feel like they aren't doing it right or that they're failures- and so I wanted us to get together and love on each other and share resources. And while giving the silly announcement about an exciting group, I cried. That's me in a nutshell.

Recipes

We are moving into our hippie commune on May 2! First to move in are Chris, Leigh, David, Me, and Bentley- followed by Micah later in the month and Scott later in the summer.
We are excited.
We also have some needs as we prepare for this time... recipes! I am looking for recipes that are great for large groups of people! On a typical night there will be 6 of us- but often many more will eat in our home...

I really appreciate any and all kinds of recipes- side dishes, main dishes, and just good stuff you want to share with me!