In our weakness we are found

So I read the book we are going to use in our study with the young girls yesterday. It's small book with 9 chapters...all dealing with image. As I was reading the book I realized most of the truths that I underlined and thought about are truths that I still don't believe. I have struggled with image since I was probably 10. I have never felt pretty or thin...in fact, I found a journal yesterday dating 2002 with my raw feelings of ugilness and feeling fat. I read it to David and then I said, "I haven't changed at all in 5 years. " Most of my journals are filled with my deep longing for the voices in my head to go away. I had eating disorders...the whole bit. And so here I am still dealing with this weight of burdens and I am supposed to walk young girls through their journeys of beauty.
So I am going to have the girls make collages...one side being what God says about beauty and one side what the world says. I made an example yesterday.
With my struggle with image there are certain choices I have to make to keep myself from falling back into the disorders...I don't read magazines and I hide the mirrors. We don't have a scale. Well, to make the collage I bought ONE magazine. A fitness magazine... Women's Health. It was brutal making the collage. The world bombards us with images and quotes to makes us feel insignificant. The author highlights the necessity of make-up, hair products, and advertisements gives us a message: YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. How many tears have I shed and how many boyfriends did I have and how many diets have I tried and how much money have I spent all because the advertisements worked...they made me feel not good enough. I have spent 15 years trying to FEEL thin and beautiful. And I am still not there.
The voices of culture, friends, and family aren't going to go away. It's a CHOICE to believe true things about beauty.
The whole thing must be so heartbreaking for God. He created us so carefully and so purposefully and yet we refuse to believe we are beautiful and have value. I don't know very many women who don't struggle with their image. I cringe thinking of the devil sitting smiling at how he has twisted our thinking.
Thankfully God only asks us of what we can do. So He must believe in me. :) And I think he is bringing me to a place where I will see the pain the girls feel in their attempts to fit in and feel accepted. Walking through pain with others is a very intense experience and it will hopefully bring me to a place of confession and repentance. I have confessed, but I have yet to honestly repent.
Jesus is so awesome because He wants us whole and he wants to use us in His great plan. And He slowly works through the rough spots to shine us up with His GLORY.
May we all work through our weaknesses.