on communal living

When I began blogging several years ago it was always my intent to be open and vulnerable about my life. I decided this because I think it is important foremost as a Christian to walk openly and humbly before others so that
1. I continue to recognize my brokenness
2. I allow others to pray for me.

So this is one of those posts I'd rather not write because I do have some shame in it and it's a difficult issue to convey via text (vs. conversation). However, it is one of the greatest things in our life right now and there definitely is need for prayer.

So about a year ago David and I began pursuing the purchase of the home we now live in. Initially Scott and Kristen had discussed renting from us for a year and seeing how it went, but after realizing that there were a lot of decisions that we had to make involving the renovating of a home decided to join us in the process and presented the idea of buying the house with us. We quickly accepted the offer as it aligned with our vision of communal living. The first few months were filled with major house decisions and hundreds of hours of labor to avoid paying a contractor to do EVERYTHING. But alas the move in day arrived and we quickly made this house, home. Over the past year we have grown very close to Scott and Kristen. It has been an incredible year.

However, Scott and Kristen approached us a few weeks ago declaring their decision to move out and find a home of their own. There is no dissension, no bitterness. There was no major conflict or fight. In fact, other than the normal stuff we have lived very well together - addressing conflict immediately and praying and taking care of one another. There aren't in a rush to get out as they are looking to buy a home in this community and there aren't a whole lot of move in ready homes in Detroit. (They don't want to renovate a home again).

So currently we are living in this transitional place where Scott and Kristen are actively looking for a home while David and I are continuing to fix this one up. Once again, there isn't any awkwardness, but it is a different atmosphere. If I am completely honest with myself this house probably wasn't big enough for 2 families that want many children. While we are currently on pause (but still praying through foster care or adoption or biological), the Selle's are just beginning (no, they aren't pregnant!) So instead of waiting it out and cramming in kids, they thought they'd get settled into their own place, preferably nearby. I don't want to share too much of their story, since it is their story, so I will leave it at that.

Since this is MY blog I do get to share some of my story. :) Initially I was super bummed- and I can actually look back and see I went through the "grieving process". So first I experienced shock and denial. When they first told us I didn't sleep and I was really sad. Shortly after came the guilt and pain. So I began to think of all the things I did wrong and I have just done this or that differently they would've stayed with us. Then came the anger and bargaining. This is usually where I would stop feeling- so my feeling was more like- peace out- go do your thing. And I wanted to disconnect. But I decided early on to pursue our relationship with reconciliation through Christ rather than my response without Christ. Then came the depression. So feeling super bummed and just not really sure how to proceed. So then things started looking up. I experienced reconciliation. After countless hours of meetings and conversations I was able to see that I was going to be OK. :) Finally, acceptance and hope. Yes, Kristen and Scott are moving out. And yes, we are going to be OK. And I have started dreaming up all the things I can do now that they are leaving! (Like, giving Lily her own room, putting my sewing machine on the third floor, getting a dog, not having to be so quiet in the mornings with the boys, etc...)

Perhaps if you are reading this you are wondering why it's such a big deal. So here's the thing- the Selle's living with us, wasn't a financial decision and it wasn't a quick decision- it was a long drawn out decision rooted in the belief that communal living is not only doable, but valuable. As I've mentioned several times, David and I got to experience the beauty of communal living in Tucson through our friends the Brunsons, Cepins, and Cheryl- a community house going on like 15 years together. They even have kids (2 in each of the families). So after experiencing it through those friends I really wanted it for my own life and my children.  To make it work there are a lot of things that you have give up though. I am going to list some of the things that I have experienced, but please don't read them and assume the Selle's agree or disagree- once again this part of my post isn't about them. :) I think you have to give up the desire for me and mine- as in my kitchen will look this way all the time (because with more adults there are more messes/need to clean up)- or my children- and don't you discipline them! (because everyone in the house has a determined authority over the children or else they would begin to take full advantage of the non parents). Every major decision (or sometimes even the minor ones) have to be discusses among at least 4 people rather than the traditional 2. Space. You give up a lot of space when you're sharing space with others. But with the sacrifices come GREAT gains- only cooking a few times a week, but eating healthy homemade meals almost every night! Consistently having someone around to talk with. Experiencing life with a group of people. After parties there are 4 people to help clean up and not just 2. (we have a lot of gatherings here!)

The next question people tend to ask me is, "Are you going to have someone else move in?" And the answer is, "I don't know." We still believe in communal living, but we recognize that it is quite difficult to find people actually willing to do it! We could rent out the third floor, but we aren't sure if we are going to do that yet.

So anyway, pray for us. Pray that there would be continued unity in the home. Pray that the Selle's are able to find a home near us that allows them to continue to be missional in this community. Pray that David and I would use the time after they leave to enjoy living alone (it'll have been 4 years! Actually we have lived with people a lot- Steven during our first year of marriage, then we had Halie, then we moved to Ann Arbor and lived in the condo ALONE for a year-- then came Bentley, then the whole time we have lived in Detroit we have lived with people).

So anyway, look forward to seeing a post with a dog in it. Ha.