to the fullest (ex 1-3)

I sometimes write musing for my dad- here's the latest...

Well, it's the start of a new school year. Bentley (our son with Down syndrome) is doing round 2 of kindergarten and Clayton is in a full day preschool class and Lily is home with me. I decided to sign up for a local Bible study again this year. Sometimes I do these things for the wonderful and free child care, but this year I decided I'd really put forth the effort to soak in all that I can. We are studying the life of Moses and I am really excited about all I have been learning. Most people familiar with the Old Testament remember Moses- the Hebrew baby who was sent down the river in a basket out of his mother's desperation to save him from Pharaoh who was afraid of how numerous the Hebrew slaves were becoming --and out of his fear demanded all the boy babies be killed. Moses is then saved by Pharoah's daughter who ends up hiring Moses' mother to be his nurse maid and caretaker. As he gets older we read that he went out into Egypt he saw the oppression of his people- and even killed an Egyptian for his beating a Hebrew servant. Moses eventually runs away to hide in Midian for fear of his life and also because the Hebrew slaves don't want his help in their oppression. God had a lot of work to do in Moses. The most important of which is teaching Moses to depend on the Lord for His power, His strength, and His timing. I find myself feeling like Moses in some ways. I feel very passionate about injustices and immediately want to intervene or fix the problem. 

Part of the Bible study includes a lecture at the end of the discussion. During the lecture the speaker asked us, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?" I immediately started to jot down the question- even starting to answer it in my mind- and then I paused. I thought to myself- I don't want to just answer this question out of obligation, I'm really going to ponder it- consider how I really might want to change. So I wrote it down in a separate journal and went on with my day. 

A couple weeks went by and I was leaving my apartment building with my loaded up wagon full of dirty laundry to walk over to the laundry mat. 

A kind man opened the door for me and proceeded to talk to me. "Hey, where are all the kids at?" 

"Oh they're upstairs with their dad- I escaped to do some laundry quick." I replied.

"Hey- I gotta tell you something. I really love your kids. Do you remember a couple of months ago I was in the elevator with you and one of your sons exclaimed, 'Stand up, stand up for Jesus!" Do you remember that?" 

"Oh yeah, I do remember that," I responded.

"Well, that just made my day. I was going through a really difficult time and that was just the word I needed to hear. You see I just found out I have kidney failure, and liver diseases, and that week I got this on my foot because I have gangrene. And I was just feeling really low. And those kids just make me smile. I call them my crew. I just love knowing that you guys live up there and that you're looking out for me. And that Jesus is looking out for me too." 

I smiled and I thanked him for sharing that story with me because it meant a lot to me. He smiled once again and went our separate ways. 

You might be thinking- oh what a lovely perfect Jesus type story- but here's what you don't know.... I remember exactly the time he is telling me about. And I remember feeling embarrassed that my kids were singing about Jesus in the elevator. I am always worried about what others think of me- and I don't ever want to offend anyone. So when Clayton and Lily were singing that song I think I tried to get them to stop (which of course never works. :) Who knew that God was using that moment to speak to another hurting person about His great love and care for them!? And I was trying to stop it. 

I am constantly worried about my crazy kids bothering people. We live in a 2 bedroom high rise apartment building with hundred of units. I know that most families don't live in apartment buildings- so I try extra hard to be considerate of others. Well, if you have ever met my three kids you know what this must look like, and for the many of you have not- let me give you an idea..... It's kids running to the elevators to try to be the one to push the button- it's Bentley constantly pushing random buttons to go visit his friend Kristen (who doesn't even live in our building!) it's Lily singing- the boys running- bikes flying around corners- it's asking everyone their names and how they are- it's energy abounding! All the while I'm trying to keep the energy calm and be respectful to the residents. It's nothing less than chaos. :) And if I could learn to let go of controlling their joy and excitement it would be quite lovely!

So I get to the laundry mat and I put the clothes in the washing machines and pull out my journal because I want to record this encounter I have just had- and the words at the top of my journal read, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?"

I stop. 

Wow. 

I start to consider all the ways I am worried about my kids offending or being too chatty or too loud or too energetic- and I start to consider that this might be the thing that needs change. It's my heart towards my children and my heart towards my neighbor. In my desire to control the situation I am blocking the Lord's desire to do what He will through the little people. 

In Matthew 19:14 we read the words of Jesus, 

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Jesus is working through our children... in ways we don't even know!!

After Moses meets God at the burning bush we read..

1 But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

12 And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you[f] will worship God on this mountain.”

As I think about this text I'm so thankful that God doesn't tell Moses all the qualities has to lead the people out.... he doesn't give him a pep talk about his abilities.... he says- I will be with you. And this is how you will know..... 

I know the Lord gives us the same talk as we confront great difficulties. 

One of life's greatest challenges for my husband and I is our son with Down syndrome. He is a lot of work- needs lots of therapies, and help, and medical attention..... 

HOWEVER , I firmly believe Psalm 139:13 when it says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  Yes, Bentley was knit, as is. 

And so when I ask God how I am going to do this- how am I going to raise this child? How am I going to raise all my children? How am I going to let them be their own individuals and say what they'll say (as long as it's kind!) and do as they will (as long as they aren't hurting anyone!) and get myself out of the way??? 

And God says to me, "Adrienne, I will be with you." He doesn't tell me that he has made me to be a special need's mom. He doesn't tell me how He has prepared me for this- the same as it was with Moses- He just tells me I am not alone. And then as I am walking along he gives me these reminders of how He is here. 

So as you go on with your day, consider the question, "What will you ask God to change in you so that He may use you more fully?"

Take some time. Let the words flow to your heart. Maybe you'll even forget the question as I did... but write it down and see what you find it. It might be one of the most freeing and life giving moments of late.... I know it has been for me.