the longing for connection

We all long to connect. Connection is the way we know we are loved, we are understood, that someone cares for us.

Lately, I have been reading and listening to Jean Vanier. Jean Vanier started the L'arche movement- which are communities where people with and without disabilities live together. The homes are not meant to be organized by provider and patient, but they are a place where people live together in connection and equality. Some of us have more needs and need the help of others- that doesn't make someone less. The thing that we learn from loving and caring for someone with a disability that needs more supports than us, is that we realize that we, too, are equally broken. I took a small section from an interview with Jean... He says, "We enter into a communion of hearts. When I accept you just as you are. And you love me just as I am. I have no desire to have power over you. It's something else. When we begin to love each other something happens. We are so used to being above people or below people- that the whole reality of communion of hearts is so difficult to understand."

Community and connection teach us our humanity.... they teach us our equality, individuality, and that we are both in need. We live in a world that strives for speed and perfection. Get it done faster. Get it done cheeper. Be skinnier. Be better. Be bolder. Be anything. This mentality leaves many many people behind. It says that your value is only based on your product- what you do- what you produce- what you say- but it misses your value because you exist.

My son is bold. He's loud. He's funny. Ironically he is often judged when he is seen- Oh that poor child with Down syndrome. Oh that must be so hard.... but once you know him- you love him. I have friends with children who don't communicate with their words. Their children depend on someone wheeling them or assisting them walk everywhere they go. They need interveners to help them connect to the world around them. These obstacles- these needed supports- they don't make them less. They make them human. When we stop the speed, we are then able to hold the hand of a person and feel them wrap their fingers around you. Their form of communication is the whisper in the hand, and if you're not careful, you might miss it. Their form of love is the nudging of their face on your skin- or a soft smile as you push them gently on a swing.

My three children demand your attention. If you come into our home you are greeted with big hugs and big smiles and big laughter. The way they communicate is loud and clear. Yet that doesn't make them better- or happier- or more able to connect- it just makes your initial connection easier. The depth that you get from my children will take work. It takes respect. It takes time. Similar depth will be found with those who cannot speak- whose communication is more discreet- but it is there. And the initial connection that you might have to work harder for- will also come. It will look different, but it won't feel different.

Connection is the knowledge that you are safe- that we are safe with one another. For children that means that they know they can count on you. They know what is expected. They know that you are interested in them.

Often times communities are based on a similar ideology or value system. They might have scriptures they follow, or books they read together, or things that they are interested in. L'arche communities are not based on these things... Jean says, "L'arche is not based first on the word. You find a lot of communities that are based on the word-that is to say we speak of an ideal together. But L'arche is based on body- and on suffering bodies. They are seen as useless. We welcome those who are apparently 'useless'. Our suffering brings us together. If someone comes to our community and they are severely handicapped- what is important? It is important to see that the body is well. Helping people bathe or dress or eat. It is to communicate to them through the body. And then as the body is comfortable, then the spirit can rise up. There is a recognition, a contact. We've seen this in our people." It is in this community- or these types of communities- that love begins to grow.

When I thought about having children before mine were born, I never considered how I would connect; I simply knew that I would connect with them. Over the years I have not really verbalized what it means to connect with my children- specifically with Bentley. I have found ways that I feel connection. Recently I have started reflecting on the things that Bentley and I do together. We love to be around animals, we love to ride horses, we love to eat good food, we love to ride bikes, we love to watch movies, we love to jump on trampolines.... As I began reflecting on these things I realized I had introduced him to all the things that I love. Clayton and Lily have developed interests apart from me- but Bentley's interests have grown from me and are connected to experiences that I offered him. I can sit and have conversations with Clayton and Lily. I know what they like- what they don't like. They express themselves very articulately. They listen to chapter books and think about them long after the chapter is over- making connections throughout the day. They understand money and time- that there is a limit to both of these things. Bentley and I don't have long conversations- everything happens in the moment. He communicates with his body how he is feeling. If he's upset, things are getting pushed over. If he's happy, he's glowing. If he's feeling anxious or fearful he is refusing. There aren't long conversations. When Bentley and I ride a bike together or jump on the trampoline, or go out to eat- we are fully connected. I don't compare the experience to one with Clayton or Lily. It just is. Connection with another is the fullness of love in the moment. Bentley is extremely emotionally intelligent. He senses the world around him. He knows when a child is sad- and if he can fix it by offering a hug or a toy- he will. He knows when people love him. He knows when people are annoyed by him. From the age of 2, I was able to tell who did well with him and who didn't. If a person struggled to connect with him, Bentley made me aware. He didn't make me aware with his words, he made me aware with his behaviors. I find it interesting that the label of intellectual disability assumes his intellect is subpar- his ability to memorize or solve complex math problems or to interpret poetry will probably not develop- but his ability to know people, to read their body language, to offer kindness, empathy, and to offer space to be with him- those things he does so well. It is assumed that people with disabilities don't connect. We assume that our intellect is tied to our ability to connect. I know this isn't true- we connect because we are human. Last year we went camping with several families- we all have kids with special needs. What I lack in words can be seen in this video- Here is a short clip from the beginning of that trip: My passion for writing about connection is because I know that it is missing for a lot of people. Adults with disabilities often stay inside- they struggle with depression- the lack friendships outside their support systems which generally consist of family and paid providers. If we believed that people with disabilities longed for connection we would live differently- at least I hope we would. My passion for inclusion in childhood is in part to avoid isolation in adulthood. En fin, we all long for connection. We all long to know and be known. We should consider what this means in our lives and work towards connection with others. My challenge is to look around you. Where are the people with disabilities? Are they at the end of a hall in a school tucked away in a room? are they part of your child's class? Do you live in an inclusive community where you see people around? If you aren't seeing a wide range of people with disabilities, you have to ask yourself- I have to ask myself- why is that? And can I do anything to change that? My guess is that if we aren't seeing people, they're hidden- and they're often hidden because it's easier than dealing with the stigmas- so we have to change culture. Is it OK if things take longer at the bank because a person needs more time to count the money or fill out the form? Is it OK if the line at the grocery store takes a little longer because the checkout person needs more time? Is it OK if your child is mixed with kids with disabilities and the teacher might need extra supports to meet their needs? Is it OK if your pastor's sermon isn't quite so intellectual so that it can meet the needs of all the members? We have to think about the ways that we are living and consider if they're welcoming to all of humanity or if there just the most efficient ways to get what we need to do... done. Let's consider this, friends- Bentley and hundreds of thousands in this country depend on it.

“A community is only being created when its members accept that they are not going to achieve great things, that they are not going to be heroes, but simply live each day with new hope, like children, in wonderment as the sun rises and in thanksgiving as it sets. Community is only being created when they have recognized that the greatness of man is to accept his insignificance, his human condition and his earth, and to thank God for having put in a finite body the seeds of eternity which are visible in small and daily gestures of love and forgiveness. The beauty of man is in this fidelity to the wonder of each day.” -Jean Vanier