on marriage

David and I just honored our 13th year of marriage. I sort of forgot it was on Monday and invited some friends over so we didn't do anything special. As I sat at our beautiful wooden kitchen table with a friend delicately placing crackers and cheese on a white plate David said, "Oh I have something for you!" He ran out of the room and grabbed a letter. The thing about my husband is that I have very few letters from him, but the ones he has given me- I treasure. I opened it up and he wrote for 2 pages about the ways I inspire him, push him, and that he really loves me. And then there were the receipts for three musicals that will be in Tucson over the next year. With tears running down my cheeks, a smiling husband, a cousin helping with dishes, and a friend next to me that I am sure wondered if she was interrupting a sacred moment I looked up and mouthed, "Thank you."

David and I shared our vows on June 11, 2005. We were 23 and 24 years old. I was a recent college graduate and he was a high school history teacher. We had a small plan to get him into medical school and live in Tucson. Fast forward 13 years- he's now a stable and talented physician and I am involved in our community. We are finding our way. It was a very curvy route, with some deep deep lows.

On my run up the canyon this morning with friends I started to think about marriage in a way that I hadn't previously considered. I started to think about the things that saved our marriage- the things that make our marriage- the things that I value.

I think sometimes we see someone that's broken and/or hurting and we either prescribe medication, or send one or both parties to counseling, or tell them to take time apart, etc... Those seem like the big three responses to conflict. Before I go on I want to say that I support counseling. As you'll read, I have seen a lot of counselors, and we have met with pastors and friends... but I also want to suggest some other ideas.

About a year before we left Detroit,  David suggested we spend three weeks on the road! I made camping reservations and planned a route. While on the road we turned off our phones. We did this because we wanted to focus our eyes on what was in front of us. Those three weeks were probably more therapeutic than all the years of therapy have ever offered. Not only did we see some of the most beautiful things in the world, but we considered one another in everything we did. During that trip we created a new family identity. We made up new jokes, saw all kinds of animals, woke up early, and just loved being together. It was also the trip that introduced us to Adam's Camp- which is now a yearly family thing we do in Colorado. Those 3 weeks on the road watered roots that were very thirsty.

A big part of this post will give a lot of emphasis on traveling and adventures- that is how David and I fell in love. We are the kind that get backpacks and fill them with a few things (mine is always heavier) put on a pair of shoes and come home with darker skin, swollen feet, dirty hair, and hearts that are full. This is our way- there are so many other ways!

Over the last three years we have traveled to Mexico regularly- spent time with the kids looking for shells, teaching them about the moon, eating tacos and really identifying our routines. We continually go to Adam's Camp and it is a place that kids look forward to- it's another place our identity  as a family lives and will be forever tattooed on the hearts of the kids. We take hikes, and eat at restaurants.

My view of marriage is similar to my view on schools and therapies (speech, ot, pt)... and that is we thrive and grow when we are having fun. Traveling gave David and I an opportunity to focus on our strengths. As we discovered new things around us we discovered a deeper love. Clinical settings and schools have a purpose- but sometimes they lack spontineouty and focus on goals and objectives and merits and strengths and weaknesses. I think we need to throw that stuff out the window sometimes and just learn to fall back in love.

So my advice is if you're constricted by kids or work and can't find a chunk of time to get away and enjoy your marriage, start small. Look at finding ways once a week to just be. To love. Discover. Eat. Pray. (Ha! I kind of quoted a book there!)

Our marriage is a flow. A flow of kitchen tabled cards with tears running down my cheeks in the middle of all the mundane tasks of life- it's hand holding while we watch a child in a soccer game or at a park- it's cooking lobster tails in butter because they were on sale at Sprouts- and it's also big adventures. The most important ingredient is that we throw out the criticisms, throw caution to the wind, and wrap our arms in love. So cheers to love. Cheers to 13 years. Thanks for holding on, Love, it's a wild ride- but I am ready for more.