The first Friday we stayed I looked up and saw Bentley taunting a child much his junior- my heart dropped- will we ever be able to do this? Will these parents accept me and my crazy kids? After calming the little guy and scolding my big kid I looked back and there weren't any glaring eyes- just moms willing to work out.
After that day- Bentley would sit at the table with the moms- proclaiming which are his girlfriends and making jokes the whole time. I continually worried that he would drive them crazy- but they lovingly obliged him.
This routine repeated itself- but secretly I felt sad inside. Why is my son continually choosing the adults? I have done so much reading on inclusion and the kids are willing to play with Bentley- but he pushes back. The discouragement consumed me at times. Sometimes I wanted to stay home and hide- those inclusion experts were all wrong- it won't work.
When I had help around I gave Bentley the choice and he started to choose to stay home- so I'd take the other two and Bentley would be home with the care provider. Even worse. Not that the providers don't lovingly engage him- but it's the perpetual adult/child relationship and it's him staying home and not in the community. I should add that this dilemma never presented itself until recently- as a young one he never wanted to stay home- but I know from other friends that sometimes as our kids age they choose isolation- and I want him to know and experience love in community.
Then this week happened...
On Monday we had Clayton's parent/teacher conference- afterwords David went back to work and I took the kids to the playground at the school to play before dinner. It had rained all day Sunday and the sky was still hazy - the air significantly cooler than the weeks prior- the kids ran ahead of me and I heard them screaming with glee! I said, "Who's there?" "MOM- it's our friends!!"
The kids decided to play a game - the rules of which I'll never know- because- kid rules.
Sweet, strong, sassy first grade girl got right in Bentley's face and said, "OK Bentley you're gonna count and we are gonna run and hide. You have to count to 20. Bentley, look at me! Ok. You know how to count right? Ok, yah you do. Close your eyes! Go!" and off the kids ran and Bentley started to count. And from there time stood still. I watched in glory as Bentley engaged with the kids- played with them- listened- agreed- bargained- just like he does at home with his siblings. This little girl presumed competence and Bentley knew he was an equal and he showed up. For the next hour or so the kids ran around the bushes and trees playing their games.
The next day the kids had a half day and gathered for a noon picnic with friends- Bentley ate his lunch and then off he went to play with the kids. I caught him swinging on the swings with a different little girl- I continued to watch the two of them find ways to play and I whispered to myself, "She has the gift."
When I say, "the gift". I am not even quite sure what I mean- there's no specific quality or traits. The basic overview is that a child interacts with Bentley in a way that honors him- he's not belittled- he's not less- but he is the equal in the relationship. There is laughter in the goofy jokes, reminders of what it is socially acceptable, and a willingness to forgive when things go awry.
This post isn't to suggest that things will be perfect or that Bentley will always play with kids on the playground and not find girlfriends among the moms. This post is to share my hope. At Bentley's most recent IEP meeting I expressed my sadness that Bentley continually chooses adults as playmates after school- and this week has offered me a new hope. We moved to this district because of the inclusive practices- but also because it's small and there aren't so many choices for education. The kids will stay here until 5th grade and then go next door to the middle school and then 3 miles west to the high school. I wanted to build a community that would know Bentley as the sweet funny mischievous elementary kid that he is so that when they get older he'll be seen as part of the gang- not because anyone feels sorry for him- or because there's a prize for being his friend- but because they can't really remember a time without him.
Inclusion is not easy- and building friendships aren't easy- they take time and space to flourish. This week has been hopeful in seeing the possibilities. In the Bible there are references to an ebenezer stone. This stone is a reminder of God's help- God's presence during difficulty. My dedication to seeing people united- all the abilities and gifts and colors and cultures united on a playground in Tucson while it never will be perfect - will have glimmers of hope and I want to honor those moments- and so I am placing my ebenezer stone here today as a marker of the things that are happening and the hope that is to come.
If you're a mom of a child that has difficulty making friends- I see you. It's so painful to watch children gleefully play while yours is off alone and sad or doesn't even want to go to the event. I don't have a "how to make friends list" - we know those things don't work- but an offering of empathy- a moment to hold your sadness- that I have.
If you're a mom with kids- make sure to talk a lot about kids with disabilities (specifically kids they see regularly- but all kids as well) and give them opportunities to ask questions and read lots of books.
Ask questions like: Are kids in wheelchairs less than you? Do you think they don't like to play dolls or cars? Do you think they want friends or a friend like you? What do you think Bentley likes to do? Do you think he wants friends? What do you think you could do if he wants to swing and you don't? What if you want to do something and he doesn't?
I could probably write a whole blog on questions. When asking questions we must be reminded the point is not that we are getting it right- the point is that we are engaging in conversation and allowing kids to think about their peers in a loving way- a way that seems them as friends- It's not even about making kids do things they don't want to do- it's just about opening up communication so that we can help our little loves navigate the world around them.
Friendship and connection is an essential part of our existence. Let's continue to make those connections and love people well- let's continue to push the bar higher so that at the end of a play date they say- Mom, we are more alike than different.... because we are.
Here's some book suggestions- give it a go and let me know what you find!
http://www.booksforlittles.com/misfits/
http://www.booksforlittles.com/disability-normalization/
http://www.booksforlittles.com/disability-empowerment/
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