On Loss

H is gone. I am going through one of the greatest grieving times of my life. This little girl walked into our lives and changed us forever. She was in a shelter. She didn't know how to use the bathroom at almost 5 years. She couldn't communicate and she was on meds that made her dull to life. We were able to bring her out of all those things. She became a child of life. A child that would run around and laugh and engage with people. I was able to watch her life transform into something so beautiful.
It's been very painful to wake up today without her. I miss her bare feet pitter pattering on the tile...the smell of her hair as she cuddles in my arms... the sound of her laughter...and the joy that filled our home.
This morning I woke up as a mother on a clock...knowing that she would be getting up soon...yet not having her here was really hard. I just laid in bed staring at the ceiling.
The children at the barbeque yesterday were running around having a great time and I kept wanting her to come and find me...come and surprise me...it's just unreal to have a child in your life one moment and then gone the next.
Many say it's like the death of a child. And it really is. She's gone to us. Of course I trust God and I know she is safe in her new home. However, I will never see her again. I won't be there for her moments of life. And I so deeply long for that.

So I was reading Psalms this morning and a verse struck me. "Blessed is the one who walks in the Light of the Lord."
I truly need light right now. I need my friends to sit with me and cry with me as I sob. I need David to take walks with. I can't handle the dark. The Lord is my light. He is going to bring me through this.
I feel a peace through my pain as well. I know God called us into providing a safe home for a child who had formerly lived in a place that mimicks hell. I know he brought us through the tough months of screaming and shaping. Thus, I know he will bring us through our grief.
Also through all this I think of the heart of God. When I miss our little girl it is painful in the being of who I am. I can't describe what it is one feels when going through loss. And I think of my Jesus.The loss he feels for His people. Being made in His image is painful because when we go through the tough times we get closer to who He is and how He feels about us. He really aches for us to know him and be part of the kingdom.
Overall, I am in a great amount of pain. I go through the regret of ever doing foster care and then I look at the joy it brought us.
I ask that you pray for David and I as we move through this time. He is also struggling greatly.