These thoughts are candid, they aren't totally thought out, and they may change. But they are my thoughts of late... and so I will share them...
I'm supposed to talk to 400 young, excited, energetic summer counsels at a Michigan Christian summer camp this weekend. The first day will be an intimate group of 40 special needs counselors- and then the whole group will be there Sunday night. When I was initially asked about this I was so excited. There's definitely part of me this wondered- really, me ? why me? But I had just moved into the apartment and had recently spoken to the WSU medical students so I was on a total high. It just seems a little overwhelming that I am doing this talk now... so I thought I'd get some thoughts out before I get there ready to jazz up all these college kids to embark on a summer of loving kids... all kids... including lots of kids like Bentley.
When I think about Jesus and the Christian faith I think about love- I think about caring for those in need, feeding the hungry of stomach and feeding the hungry of spirit. I think about a simplistic type of living. I think about compassion. I think about caring for creation- thinking about what we eat and how it effects the earth- about how we care for the earth. I think about how we should love beyond borders- like Jesus in the story of the woman at the well. This is the part of the faith I love. This is why I am a Christian. I do feel an omnipresent power of God. I don't question His existence. I don't question this innate desire to love beyond.
But I do have a lot of questions.
I think many churches and many people have a painful way of expressing God's love. People with really great intentions say some really terrible things to other people- I know we all say hurtful things- but I am not talking about those kinds of hurtful things- I am talking more corporate I guess. Generally speaking- Christians have a way of looking at the world. It's a very black and white perspective. And rather than speak about this God of love they tend to target sin. They look at people's lives and begin to judge their actions and then they attempt to share this gospel of love. Have you ever received something well that came from a person you felt judged by? Nope, me either. So why is it that we are trained to focus on sin and lifestyle? What good is it for me to judge your behaviors and actions? I find that when I judge others I can only see their flaws- and when I only see their flaws I have a hard time understanding why they do what they do- and when I can't understand someone... can I really love them?
What's with the whole patriotic Christian? When did God and country become part of the equation? I am quite certain God doesn't bless this country any more than another- and I am also certain that many of our "blessings" come at a cost to someone else. And I think we are supposed to be careful about those costs. I just can't imagine believing in this universal God who cared more for one group of people than another...
Churches feel very corporate to me. They have policies. They have agendas. They have strategies. They have budgets. Sometimes they have lots of lights, and displays, and inclined seating... I understand that these things aren't necessarily bad, but I just wonder what's the point. How do I express my faith in a large group without these things... and can I? Is it possible to have a home church that doesn't have an overhead cost. Doesn't have policies and agencies, strategies... where it's ok to believe certain things - but have a general statement of faith? That's what I am looking for.
I find myself in this awkward place. I want to experience God - I have historically liked church- but over the past couple months I have realized I don't identify with many of the Christian agendas of late... so where do I fit in? Do I just go to the church we have recently discovered and enjoy what I like and stomach what I don't? Is there space to start a home church or join one?
For the moment- I must continue to meet God where I am- and I am 10 feet under water with 3 kids holding on. So it's prayers throughout the day for patience and sustenance. It's finding time to discover what this faith of mine means more deeply.
Welcome to my doubts, welcome to my struggles, welcome to my reflections on faith... hang on.. it might be a long road. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment