I think I have been missing something, someone, and an object for a long time. I miss Tucson. I miss Nogales. I miss Sedona. I miss the Village. I miss family. And on certain days I miss teaching. And I miss our house.
I recently found out 4 close friends of ours left the Village. One would think this doesn't really effect us because we are so far away and don't see them. Yet, I think it hit hard for a few reasons. First, when you are far from something you love so much you look forward to a day of reunion with great hope and joy. And to imagine our return with the baby won't be greeted with these 4 people hurts. You pray for people and learn so many things about them and then they're gone...and you aren't even there to process it, or be part of it. So it really reminds me of our absence. An absence I still protest on a daily basis. The other thing is more selfish I guess. When someone leaves a community that you love you feel rejected. I don't actually feel rejected, but I feel angry. I feel angry that they are still in Tucson and are going to different churches and we are up here missing the Village more and more... and continually trying to be connected to the community from a distance and they are choosing not to go. What I would give to be there.
I am still in this place where I don't understand the move. And I don't feel like sugarcoating it and saying that we have all these wonderful things here... because that really doesn't erase the pain of missing home. I still miss sitting on our roof drinking beer and having incredible conversations about life. And missing Halie. And flipflops with dirty feet. And I miss friends....oh how I miss friends. Following God's will through obedience can be really painful. From confessing sin, to calling out sin, to following Him all over hurts. So often God's chosen struggled with this issue as they hid from enemies, followed the Lord through the desert, or even when Jesus was preparing for the crucifixion. Even though we know He has prepared the way for us and that He wants to offer us good things, we still experience a pain or loss. It's part of living in the broken world.
And I guess I get a little annoyed with everyone expecting me to accept Ann Arbor as home because it's feels like a transition home. We are loving people and allowing people to love us. And we are learning a new community, but it is not home to me. And I get so jealous still when I talk to family and friends and here about their lives in Arizona. From the foods they're eating that I can't get, to the weather, to the conversations and everything that is said that makes my heart hurt.
So here's a toast to my grumbling and everyone's annoyances with me. You just have to love me anyway. I am the way I am. :)
And some pictures for fun. :)
3 comments:
I love how you bring everything back to God. Through the struggles you see Christ! That is awesome and very encouraging!
P.S. I don't know if it is my computer, but I can't see the pictures. :(
I will get the pics up by the end of the weekend...I know what's wrong and it's a time consuming task!
This haunts me, brings me back to old feelings of loss, the same exact loss over and over and over. Being a transient military person for years, I allowed myself to dive into good friendships, then leave them behind and let them sort of atrophy after going to some other place on the globe...only to find out a month, a year, two years after the fact that they died in a car crash or plane accident or something. So I quit making friends. I think 'aaron and sarah' said it well: the difference with you is that you actually are looking at your loss and yourself right now, in the moment of it all, letting God help you work it out, allowing yourself to FEEL. That's a great way to battle ambivalence. Wish I'd done that.
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