trust

I have decided to have a specific purpose for this blog. The purpose being to lay my heart out about foster care. I enjoy writing, and a journal would be a great way to express my thoughts. I also love to share my thoughts...so this is a combination of the two. In our busy lives we often lose track of one another and get behind on current happenings. Thus, this blog will help keep those I love stay close to my heart.
Our first foster care placement was a roller coaster ride.
I received a call that an 8 year old girl was in need of a home. I felt nervous, excited, anxious, and overwhelmed. However, once she arrived in our home, I knew this little girl would find her way into my heart. "I love you," she said, as I tucked her into bed.
I love you? "I don't know you, child," I thought, "How can you love me?" But that's the thing about children...they love...and she loved us well.
It was a brutal good-bye. I had a half an hour to pull myself together and let her know. She was screaming, "Mama, dont' let them take me away! I want to stay with you, Mom! PLEASE!" All I could do was hold her in my arms and cry. The time came for her to go and we had to drive away. It was like the movies, pouring down rain with sad music and broken hearts.
I walked in to her room to find her clothes in the hamper to be washed, her art projects waiting to be finished, and her homework left undone. Dead. Frozen. Empty.
It still hurts to think of this beauitful child.
I scream, "Why, God? Why for such a short time? Why such a perfect fit for us?"
He will answer in His time. So I wait and trust in Him....for I know this is truly beyond my understanding.
I thought I was done offering my heart. God had other plans. So I am preparing to bring in another love. In some ways I feel, what's the point? Seriously? So a child can experience a great home for a short time and then return to the hell they were taken out away from? Some say this is not trusting God. I say, it's the result of sin. Sin is what got that little girl into my home and sin is what leads me away from trusting in the Lord's plan... and the child is the one who is innocent...without a choice.
While I wait, I pray, Lord, I offer these children to you. Both the children who are found and the children who are silently crying for someone to discover the tragedy of their lives. Lord, allow me to trust in your greater plan. Take my little girl and walk with her throughout her life. Call her by name that she may know and trust in you. Bring justice to those who abused her. Give her grandmother strength to raise her. Light your fire in their lives. I lift up my worries, my anxiety, my pain. In your name I pray. Amen