on transitioning

The inevitable has presented itself. H will probably begin her transition to be with her family. Transitioning in foster care is really hard because 99% of the time the children are released into homes that are "better" than where they came from, but not as good as the foster home. I feel really sad, although I am trying not to think about it. My strategy in dealing with pain in life is to disconnect. I have done this a few times over the past few motnhs. I have been seeing a counselor from our church who is also my friend and we talked about my disconnecting is a sin. Tough. It's true though. I signed up to love the unloved and I am required in my commitment to the children to love them and stay connected. This will be the hardest part of transitioning... staying connected to a child I will know nothing of in 6 months. However, she deserves the best.
So this transition will take a few months, but my goal is to have her gone before we leave for Spain. I desire this selfishly and unselfishly. Selfishly I will be able to detox in Spain for 3 weeks.... I can disconnect! Unselfishly if we leave for 3 weeks H will go into an unknown home come back to us for about a week or 2 and then move on. Yeah, not the greatest for her.
I would like us all to pray. Pray that God's hand will walk with her during life and that He will call her into His kingdom by name. That she may know Him. Pray that I survive this. :) Not only that I "survive", but that if it is God's desire for us to take in another precious unloved child that we will. I see this as a calling for our life, but it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. God is amazing. He puts these amazing desires in our hearts...yet they are the most difficult of all things.
Thank you for all your continuous love and support.
pray.

Ancient Ways

So I have been doing yoga lately. It is so great. I have always loved stretching and poses--- I was a cheerleader. :) It really pushes my flexibility, which if you know me you know this is a big deal. Yet it's not the physical challenge that strengthens me as much as the mental challenge. The purpose of yoga postures is to learn to calm our bodies to get to the deep meditation. Sounds scary since yoga is connected with Buddhism. However, with the right mentality yoga can be used to calm the self and connect with God in a peaceful mind. I think about the connection people must have had with God before the noise. In fact, the purpose of noise was probably musical worship in the street festivals. I see how many other religions- specifically eastern religions teach discipline and peace. Although I have been taugh peace and ways of discipline...there is something about the ancient ways that really challenges me to know God in a deeper....you have been around 4.5 billion years kind og God. I feel like the Christianity I have been taught is a modern moving Christianity not an ancient all knowing religion. I see in my Chrisitians the lack of peace and centering. Craziness is our game! Let me help you here and let me do this and that and make money or volunteer and I want to scream QUIET... PEACE. Yoga has been a place where I go to exercise by moving my body with my breath and often I connect with God in prayer. Then when it's tome to lie on my mat for 10-15 minutes I lose myself in thinking about Him. And eventually I drift off into a not sleeping not thinking state of peace.
I pray that God would teach me more of His ancient ways and how to love him more intimately.
May we all desire peace in ourselves.

Our problem?

On the way home from school today I passed by a sign attached to the bus stop covering. It said, "Meth: It's OUR problem." Hmmm is it OUR problem? Now some in my life would argue yes, however, I am not so quick to decide. Why is someone's choice to use a drug that has an extremely low recovery rate MY fault? If it's a question of whether I should help...well I am. I am a foster mom. Foster children are in care because of drugs 95% of the time...and if you're in Tucson it's probably meth. So in terms of the children I help raise because their parents choose meth I am involved...it has become a problem I am forced to deal with. I don't have an brilliant answers or ideas. I am just wondering if it's OUR problem? Are we failing society? Did we do something that created a difficult life for some? What part of the fault should I carry? I suppose I should mourn for all who fall into the life of drugs. I should pray for recovery in Tucson...that children will remain in their homes and be raised by those who created them.
Thoughts please.

pics of life

Jane's publish of pictures motivated me to share with you all life with us. It was great to see how you are doing...and see Mark too. :)
So David and I went back to visit friends and family in Oregon. Pam flew home from her 15 month deployment in Iraq. We went to dinner with old friends. My mom had a huge party at the Governor's Hotel downtown for Pam. It was awesome. This weekend we took the elders down to Rancho Betania. Another great time. So here's the pics:



David with Kwi, Fritz, Maddy, and Gracie


David and Pam

My mom and me


Sue at the ranch

Then Anna and the bug were having a great time!









David and the bug driving

an unknown future

As David mentioned, the month of February is quickly coming to an end and we haven't heard about the University of Arizona. It's an odd feelibng knowing that we might be moving to Michigan next year. I am torn. Part of me loves new adventures, experiences, and places. I look to moving to Ypsilanti as an adventure. I have looked around Michigan with google earth...it's cool seeing all the places...there are a lot of lakes. I also looked at some houses for sale. Wow. The houses are really cool and we can get a lot for our money. Then I looked for churches... it's hard becuase I love our church here and I can't imagine finding any church like it. I truly hope we hear from the U of A soon so that we can know that we are staying here.
I am feeling almost numb to the whole thing since we really don't know what is going to happen. I am trying to prepare myself to be excited for whatever happens.

Acts 7

So we all know that I don't choose to read very often. I really struggled in my quiet times last year because it was hard to sit down and read. I would start reading a book of the Bible and then stop and then not get baack into it for awhile. It was really frustrating because my first 2 years of college I had great quiet times. I just couldn't get into the groove...it's hard to explain. I was really working with Sue (my mentor) to learn what a quiet time means...not the cookie cutter quiet times that I had been handed.... you know read this, pray, write. I needed someting more spontaneous...something deeper. Well, I didn't really get connected as often as I wanted during my spontaneity. So this year I have been trying something different...well, not that different- it's more of a psychological difference. So Sue gave me this "reading plan" that she found for the year. It reads through the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I think the difference is that if I miss a day rahter than beating myself up and trying to read 2 or 3 days at once because I didn't read, I just pick up on the date. (David's idea). This has really helped me not feel overwhelmed and like a failure.
So this year has beengoing a lot better,I have been reading on a regular basis and I look forward to my quiet time with Jesus.
The next frustration I have is that I don't know the history of the BIble as well as I would like. I often forget who came first and where they lived and all that stuff. I know lots of people have a hard time keeping it all straight...but that doesn't seem to help me let go of wanting to know it all.
So yesterday God gave me a gift. The gift of Acts 7.
So Stephen gets up and is speaking to the Sanhedrins. He starts talking about how they are all doing just as their forefathers. And he starts preaching Old Testament histroy
- so he begins with Abraham- God promises that his descendents will inherit-- well first they'll be mistreated and then God will punish those who did the mistreating. Abraham is given the covenant of circumcision
- Abraham is the father of Isaac then
- Isaac of Jacob.
-Jacob the faher of the 12 patriarchs- 1 of which is Joseph- who has very jealous brothers that take him to Egypt. So he's raised in as an Egyptian and then a famine comes and he is able to help his family. And the pharaoh treats him well. Then a new pharaoh comes who doesn't know him and that's when God offers Moses. Moses raised with Pharaoh, kills an Egyptian because of an argument and flees. Then God shows up as a burning bush. Over time after the plagues the Israelites are freed- but they spend 40 years in the desert. Then they begin worshipping idols.
-then Joshua comes
-David who wants to build a home for God
-but it's Solomon who builds it
So Steven's finishes and the crowd is not happy. So they take him away to stone him and guess who is ordering the stoning...none other than Saul.

So I love this chapter for so many reasons. 1. It will forever be a quick reference to remember who came first- I have read all their stories, but I can't remember in what order they came...this really helps 2. Stephen's last words were about God's involvement with his people and how he had the best for them... 3. Saul is the one ordering Steven's death. yeah, Paul's letter and love for Christ leads people to Christ daily.

I think God's mercy is so real when we read the Bible. It never ceases to amaze me that David is known as the man after God's own heart and he had so many women on the side. And then Saul/Paul was a huge persecuter of Christians.They both repented and God forgave them. But it wasn't the kind of forgiveness that reminded them of their faults...or the kind that says I forgive you for now, but when I am angry I might bring up your sin again. No, it was clean and their sin was gone. It's so hard to forgive that way. I often think I have forgiven, just to be reminded that I really haven't.
All of you know David and I broke up before our engagement and I made some really stupid choices. But when David decided that he was going to forgive me and try to work it out...he meant it. I have never been reminded of the time that I left him (well, only by my father in law- but he reminds me out of love and kindness- more of a joke to ease the pain!). He's never asked anything of me when it comes to the time. I think David's forgiveness was a testimony of God's love and mercy. As far as the east to the west so are your sins forgiven...

May we be the kind of Christians who in the midst of our persecution we cry out as Stephen, "'Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.' Then he fell on his knees and cry out, 'Lord, do not hold this sin against them.'"

jobs?

So I am considering finding a new job for next year. Yeah...things aren't going really well at school. The things I dislike the most are 1. The drive- about an hour a day- not so bad with David, but I can't imagine doing it along next year. 2. There are some shady things happening there. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what is going on, but I just know that there are some things that aren't acceptable, plus I don't feel like posting them. :)
Things I love about my job 1. my students- I have the greatest class 2. The parents of my students. 3. the freedom to run my day as I please.
So the question I am facing is what exactly I want to do. Our friends suggested an 8-5- don't take any work home- kind of job. David thinks I should continue to teach. I don't really know. For me, I love children and I like to be around them...but I could nanny- David won't let me- he doesn't want me to become a servant to anyone- I don't really see it that way. I could find another teaching job. Sounds exhausting and overwhelming. I could work for CPS (Child protective services)- but I don't know if I can handle it.
I don't know what to do. I guess I would like to stay where I am, but I can't stand the administration and the drive. I just want to find a place where I can stay for awhile.
I just feel confused. Why does God seem so silent?
I always had this idea in my head that I would find a job that makes a difference. Hmmm...there is also the International Refugee place down teh street. I think i would like to work with refugees.
I think Jane and maybe Steven struggle with the same thing.
I know I want to be a Mom...that will be my final job...but I am not ready for that! So in the meantime....???????????????????

Beauty

So we'll see how this goes...depending on how well I keep my thoughts organized. I feel really tired and my thoughts are all over the place, but I want to post.
So I have been thinking a lot about beauty lately. Well, I never really stop thinking about it... I am a woman.
Growing up I thought that as I got older I would gain more self esteem and know who I am. However, I often feel like I haven't grown at all. I still struggle with body image as I did at the age of 10. I am coming to realize that almost every woman I know has struggled or struggles in this area. This is so frustrating! I am currently seeing a counselor through our church and we got into this discussion last night. Satan especially attacks women's beauty because we are the image of God. There is something about the beauty of women that he hates. I can't really figure it out. What would it look like if we believed we were beautiful and said good bye to our complexes? What would we be able to do that Satan hates so much?
So Julie and I discussed how our choices to believe truth about beauty will impact the young women around us. For example, her daughter--- if I have daughters--- and any young girls that I am currently around. If there is one thing that I would really like it would be to save a girl from the pain of feeling insignificant and ugly. It would be teaching her to renounce the lies. So how do we do this? How do we live in such a way that demonstrates beauty and the renouncing of the world's version? I really don't know. I try to think about the way I grew up and what impacted me to develop eating disorders. I suppose it was the constant comments of beautiful Hollywood women. Look at them...they're perfect and yet I know they feel fat and insignificant. No one would starve themself because they felt beautiful already. However, as a child I didn't realize that. I just figured they were made that way and God messed up with me.
Maybe it was the comments made when I made my order at the fast food restaurants. I wish that if she didn't want me to order a hamburder she shouldn't have taken me to Burger King. (We all know who "she" is).
I think beauty is expressed by the women that men choose. I knew a woman who after her second child gained a significant amount of weight and she had a hard time losing it. Her sons dated very beautiful and thin women. It made her really sad to see this. I didn't know how to console her and I still wouldn't know how.
I also started thinking today about the ways in which I choose to exercise and stay healthy. I often try to imagine the way I would like to look and I get in that mode and I will run until I feel like I can't think anymore. Yeah not so healthy. However, it's been the way I handle these issues since I was a young girl. So I started doing yoga. I like the way that it is a relaxing way to keep your body in shape. It really helps me to clear my head and focus on myself rather than having heightening my stress level.
I would also like to add that I have been the healthiest in this area since I met David. He refused to let me bring make up to Guatemala and he has constantly covered me with words of encouragement about how he sees me. He never comments on the beauty of another woman...not even if I say it first. He usually comments on the ugliness of their emanciated bodies. Since knowing him I was able to drop all the methods that I used to stay thin... which can cause stress just as him not smoking can cause stress on him.
So en fin... I would just like us all to be aware of the beauty scandals and to remind ourselves about the truth God wants us to believe about beauty. I would also like you all to go to this website and watch this video that Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty" shows. http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/flat4.asp?id=6909
May we fight for God's desire for us to truly know beauty.

A Movie Review: Water

A foreign film that takes place in India in the 1980's. An 8 year old girl wakes up to be asked if she remembers getting married. No. Her husband has just died and she is required to go live in a home for widows. She must wear a white linen sari all the time signifying her misfortune. A woman in India lives while her husband lives, and following his death she must also die partly. "Why must I live like I am dead if only part of me is dead?" She asks. The separation from her parents is dramatic....obviously, since she is only 8.
The little girl becomes the hope for the women. She offers life.
While all the other woman embrace their destiny the little girl constantly pushes and asks all the tough questions. "Where do the men widows go," she asks. She is shunned.
The woman have no way to earn money and live so certain beautiful women are used as prostitutes.
Changes are beginning to happen throughout the movie. A law is passed that widows no longer have to be separated from society...but no one follows it. The untouchables are called children of God as well. (Even though many won't embrace that idea either).
So this gorgeous woman in the widow home is exploited to this rich Brahmin on a regular basis. Meanwhile she is beginning to spend time with this good looking Indian who thinks modernly. He doesn't care that she is a widow. So they begin to fall in love. Finally, he shares his heart with his family. Another moment of shunning. Finally, the agree to meet her. While crossing the river to his mansion she aks the name of his father. And yes, it's the same man who has been paying for sex. She orders him to take her back and kills herself.
The next day the little girl is sold to the old man for the evening.

So I thought that this would be a great movie for movie night at our house except I forgot about the following topics along the way: suicide, sexual exploitation of a child, and severe loss.
Overall, I liked the movie. I am thankful that many of these things in India no longer happen in big cities.
It's funny how much people from this part of the world criticize the west and our disgusting pornography, movies, television shows, Hollywood....but I guess we are open about it. We don't promise "safety" and then offer your child to old men.

Waiting on the World to Change

David and I watched 20/20 last night with Diane Sawyer. I stayed home from school (sick) and they had been advertsising it during the day and so I really wanted to watch it. The advertisements played the popular John Mayer song, Waiting on the World to Change. The advertisements showed beautiful children in poverty. Just my kind of show.
The episode was about the poorest and most dangerous city in the United States (voted in 2004,2005)- Camedon, New Jersey. The city looks vacant and broken. All the factories left a decade ago and there are little jobs. The city is contrasted with Moorestown, NJ only 10 minutes away. Moorestown is one of the richest city in the US. ABC goes in taping the children and interviewing families. 1/3 of teenagers were arrested in 2005 on drug charges. Most people survive on the drug economy. A run down apartment on the corner of a street with go for $10,000 a week.
So ABC zoomed on 4 year old, Ivan, 17 year old boy, and a 5 year old girl, Munchi. Ivan's mom can't read and has two children. No husband. Her mom is a crack addict and ends up screaming and yelling at the kids most nights. They are homeless. They attend church every week and many want to help at the church, but are in financial ruins themselves. She is offered an apartment and Ivan is ecstatic, only to find out days later that the family has changed their minds. This scenario happens twice until they are back on the streets. Ivan is a beautiful boy. He wants to be Superman so he can fly out of his town. He longs for school to start so he can begin to read. He loves school and he actually is fed there.
The 17 year old will be the first to graduate HS. He goes to school and then takes a bus to work at a restaurant for 5 hours before returning home to do homework. He is one of few to avoid the world of drugs.
The little girl comes from a home of serious alcohol addiction. Her father has been in and out of clinics. Her parents constantly fighting. Over the year she begins losing some of her ambition and bright spirit, she gets constant headahces from the screaming.
ABC poses the question, what can we do? I am glad they brought up the question, but no satisfactory answer is given. I find it especially hard because the children don't deserve to starve and grow up in a home with screaming, alcoholism, and drug addicts. I think we all agree that the parents are needing serious help, but the chances for success at this point are slim. Who is going to hire a woman who can't read? She can't afford day care for her children while she learns.
I suppose this is where the state usually steps in. Once again, not a pretty picture. The children will be separated from the one thing they haven't lost- their families. I can sit back and say that I offer H more than her parents ever could- but I will never be her "Mom" and DAvid will never be her "Dad". As she grows up she will always have the longing to be with her family. No matter how many times a child is beaten and abused... So it just sucks.
This is where the song is a message. The song talks about how we would like to help. We would like to go in and make things better, but the problems are so big and deep that it feels impossible. So we sit and wait for the world to change.
This situation right here is what made me run from Jesus the first time. Why are all the bad things happening? Why does God let it happen? The neverending question. I heard a pastor at David's old church in Phoenix touch on this subject. He is Bosnian, raised in Croatia. In his sermon he threw out statistics from all over the world- number of people dying in Africa of AIDS, drug issues, etc... The closest to home was that there is no system for children who are abused in Croatia. Nowhere for them to go. No one to offer help. His sermon was long and amazing, but his biggest answer was the power of prayer... something I kind of mocked in earlier days. Although it's the only way to receive true peace. So when the world sucks and it feels like there isn't a way to help...there probably is something and it will probably come to us when we are cuddled up in our favorite chairs offering ourselves to Jesus. Remember we can move mountains.

mean man

So I have been on this running routine as I train for some long distance stuff. Well, the treadmill is great for a couple miles, but much more than that is really boring and hard on my knees. So I went over to Rincon on Tuesday to run a few miles... had a great time and enjoyed being outside. Well, today I went back to experience it again. So I ride my bike to the track and I begin running. I start to notice the track is a bit funny smelling, but I figure it's from all the rain and cold or something. So I am just rounding out the halfway mark of my first 1/4 mile when I hear this voice. "Hey! You can't be running here!" He yells. I am just looking at him like what is your deal. Then he proceeds, "Did you not see all this?" I look up and the part of the track that is backed up against the school has a fence with big plastic stuff on it so that you can't enter. Mind you, on the other side where I entered is completely open, no fence, no plastic. I shook my said and explained where I had entered. "Are you stupid?" He asks. Meanwhile I am just staring at him while mentally ripping his head off and stomping on it. So then I apologize again. He says, "LEAVE!" So I start to finish my lap back to my bike. He then yells at me to leave the other way. (I AM HALFWAY AROUND THE TRACK- IT DOENS'T MATTER WHICH WAY I LEAVE!) So I explain where my bike is and he yells at me again saying I am costing all this money for him and to get on the grass. So I turn to the grass and he's still yelling at me. So I just run back to my bike and ignore him. So there are a couple things that really get my blood boiling. 1. My tax dollars are paying for the stupid track that I am ruining. (Although I wasn't ruining it... I am a very careful and light runner...and I it hadn't been just paved or anything. I don't even know what stupid project they were doing) 2. I am 24...you don't have to belittle me. And it really gets me that I am sure he thought I was a student. AHHHH 3. I hate people like that. All he had to say was, "Do you mind running on the grass today?" 4. I went home crying. :(
So I hate mean men.

My beastly dog. I love this picture of him. :)

Going "home"

So David and I bought our tickets to Spain tonight! I can't explain the feeling. We will be there 19 days and will make a quick stop in Italy as well. I miss my family in Spain so much! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about going back there. I LOVE SPAIN!!! I can't wait to stay up the whole night and sleep till 2pm. I can't wait to eat my favorite foods and go shopping and spend time with my friends. I have brought up living in Spain several times to David and he has yet to say no... so I look forward to tasting the dream again. :) I am just so full of joy that I can't help but boast!
AHHH SPAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

embrace?

So awhile ago my dad came down with his college roommate to visit David and me. We had a great time. One day we went to hike Sabino Canyon and had a great time. As many of you know, my dad struggles with his weight. He used to be this extremely fit road biker who ate fairly well. For about 10 years he has been feeling overweight and often comments on this. It's one of those situations where you want to say, "Dad, enough already! Either lose weight or stop complaining about it!" So anyway, we are walking and Denny looks at my dad and says, "John either start exercising and be happy or just embrace it!' This struck me for some reason. I smiled and agreed with him because I have definetely heard his sob stories enough to be ready for him to embrace it. But I know my dad and I know that he will never be able to embrace feeling overweight.
I think we all have things that we want to change about ourselves and some of us are less vocal about such things. For me, I have been complaining about a messy house lately. We have piles of stuff everywhere. My purse is a mess. There is laundry to be done. There are spots on the annoying white kitchen floor. The list of things goes on and on and on. I think the biggest thing is that David and I just have too much stuff and we are both packrats! I get so upset about the messes that I fall into a minor depression adn then I can't get anything accomplished. Well, what good is that? So I said to David yesterday that I either need to start cleaning daily to meet the standards to make me happy or just embrace it! I need to embrace that I am not a perfect housekeeper and that it gets messy.
Do we all have things that we need to embrace? So here's the big question: Once you identify that you need to let go and embrace something about yourself that you dislike, how do you do it? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and feel satiisfied? How do you look at the piles around the house and decide they aren't going to haunt you anymore?
Thoughts?

glory

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. Psalm 57:11

One of the ways God shows me His glory.

Travelling to Cuba changed my life. I lived a simple, "ignorance is bliss" kind of life prior to Cuba. Ignorance may be bliss, but once you are stripped of ignorance and faced with a starving child or a mother who threw her dignity out the window when she sacriced her body to feed her family- you realize your loss of innocence. Cuba revolutionized my thinking and my desires. The city was in ruins. Streets stripped of their beauty as Castro plans his "beautification of Havana" a plan that has been in effect for many years. No swimming in the blue Caribbean waters for Cubans- for they might try to escape. No leaving your city of residence without permission. Not enough food, clothes, bath supplies. Yet this picture captures a Cuban heart. A woman- older- lived in Cuba through the disaster of Communisim...feeding the birds. I saw the same in Guatemala and have a similar picture. Even in our great suffering we want to offer. I have no doubt that she would offer all she has to a sister in need. She bends over in her old body and offers a few crumbs to the birds. I have a few thoughts about this. 1. Disgusting. I hate birds.
2. My eyes water as my heart feels compassion for such a suffering country. 3. What an offering.
I would love to return to Cuba someday....perhaps it's to regain my innocence.

Sedona when it snows. You can't even see the red rocks because of the clouds.








Sedona when the sun shines. Quite beautiful.

current thoughts on adoption

So David and I have finally arrived home. :) We had a great time visiting family, but it's always a joy to return home. On our way back from Sedona we began discussing our current situation with H and where we want to go from here. David has been apprehensive to adopting her for a variety of reasons. I have seen it as more of an obligation. We have received advice from both sides of the spectrum Ultimately, it is in God's hands and He will guide us down the right path. However, I think we may know what will happen. I asked David to be honest with me about how he is feeling so that I can prepare myself to let her go. It's been an uphill battle and I am finally ready to surrender to my husband. David really misses just having me and he wants to keep H until her adoption with this other family is finalized. He wants to enjoy being young and married without the kids... I am starting to agree. There are two things that I am passionate about 1. Children 2. Travelling. I am hoping that without our little bug we can save up some money and take a trip this summer and then every year until we can't afford it and/or have kids. I want to lower our expenses in order to take a trip together every year. We met travelling and during our dating time we always managed to go somewhere...we both want to get back to this.
I feel selfish admitting such desires, but I know there is more to it than an addiction to travel. I honestly don't think I can be who H needs me to be. I am short tempered and know nothing about raising a child with aggression and delays beyond belief. God is giving me what I need to get her to her next home, but I fall short of this every day as well. I just don't think I can offer her everything that she needs. It is very hard for me to admit this because I want to be the perfect Mom and the one who receives all this recognition for doing a good job, but I need to be honest with myself.
Admitting what will happen in a couple short months is really tough, but it also gives me relief. My goal is to work on not disconnecting myself from her and to continue to love her dearly.
Also, I changed the name of my blog so that I can write about more than one thing. I am not as articulate as my husband and his siblings...but I want to share my thoughts just the same. ;) Maybe with time I will write like them.......ehh it would take too much reading and processing! I will just stick to my simple thoughts. :)

Christmas day

What a great day! Christmas was full of the love of family. I really enjoyed spending the day with our little peanut and watching her enjoy her gifts. She still has lots of gifts to open!! After opening presents for awhile she was ready to be done. I think what we often want for others isn't what they need. So we all wanted to shower her with gifts and give her everything she has never received, but it's really sensory overload for her. Sad and unfortunate, but true. I long to see her begin to play with her toys independently and confidently. She still needs a lot of coaxing.
This afternoon we went to the field to play some games. H did so well kicking the ball and running around! I was so proud to see her loosening up and look like a real kid. I think we will try to go to the field frequently while we are in Nogales so she can have the opportunity to play.
I so enjoy having her in our life. Everyday is a true blessing. It's amazing to sit back and watch David interact with her. The way he throws her in the air and catches her, the way she cuddles up in his lap, and the way he reads her bedtime stories. It all brings such joy to me.
Well, I hope you all had a great Christmas with family and friends.

I think being a Mom changes me. Not only in the obvious ways, but little by little as well. The three of us went to the Christmas tree lot last night. We decided on a smaller tree this year, only 6 feet. :) H was running around laughing and she had the greatest time. When we got home David made dinner while H and I made chocolate chip cookies. What a treat! This morning H and I got up and decorated the tree. She loved putting on all the ornaments. It didn't matter to me that all the ornaments were placed at the same level on only half the tree. The joy was watching her choose their place. How could I change their location just because trees should have ornaments scattered? She made it so beautiful. Yes, I had to consciously decide not to say anything about where the ornaments should be placed! Part of my need for control includes ornament placements. Some of the ornaments that didn't make it on the tree last year because they are kind of silly were definetely placed this year. The greatest thing about kids is that they don't analyze the ascthetic beauty in everything. The tree is beautiful to H because it is Christmas time and she was able to decorate it, not because the ornaments were expensive and perfectly placed. I think of the people who pay to have their tree put up and their ornaments on. How sad. We all need to retreat to the youthfulness of children. H is a constant reminder of how hard I try to run away from that place. I read this and think of all the ways that H does things in a more simple and beautiful way. I love watching many of the parents at our church, The Village. The allow their children to be individuals and enjoy things without their parents pressuring them with their issues. The kids are often mismatched and quite happy. At first I thought, I could never let my little girl leave the house that way! Yet I am starting to see the purpose in their madness!! David put her in these pink pants with a red shirt and then she put on a pink cowgirl hat and they went out to the grocery store last weekend. The spontaneous gesture of the hat at the last minute made her look so happy and beautiful. He does such a good job at letting her be free. We love little H and we are honored to be part of her life.