a great weekend with my mom

David and I had a fabulous weekend with my mom here. We ate at some excellent restaurants including Palios, El Sabor Latino, Habana Cafe, and a small restaurant in Ontario, Canada. Yummy!!!!
Here are some pics of our great time.



on our way to dinner after my mom arrive!


Palios has the most amazingly delicious food!


eating at el sabor latino


David and Uncle Dave at the Cuban restaurant


Ginger had us over for dinner and we celebrated my birthday!


My beautiful mom


I took my mom to the motown museum, but it was closed. :(





We are such a pair, aren't we???

In our weakness we are found

So I read the book we are going to use in our study with the young girls yesterday. It's small book with 9 chapters...all dealing with image. As I was reading the book I realized most of the truths that I underlined and thought about are truths that I still don't believe. I have struggled with image since I was probably 10. I have never felt pretty or thin...in fact, I found a journal yesterday dating 2002 with my raw feelings of ugilness and feeling fat. I read it to David and then I said, "I haven't changed at all in 5 years. " Most of my journals are filled with my deep longing for the voices in my head to go away. I had eating disorders...the whole bit. And so here I am still dealing with this weight of burdens and I am supposed to walk young girls through their journeys of beauty.
So I am going to have the girls make collages...one side being what God says about beauty and one side what the world says. I made an example yesterday.
With my struggle with image there are certain choices I have to make to keep myself from falling back into the disorders...I don't read magazines and I hide the mirrors. We don't have a scale. Well, to make the collage I bought ONE magazine. A fitness magazine... Women's Health. It was brutal making the collage. The world bombards us with images and quotes to makes us feel insignificant. The author highlights the necessity of make-up, hair products, and advertisements gives us a message: YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. How many tears have I shed and how many boyfriends did I have and how many diets have I tried and how much money have I spent all because the advertisements worked...they made me feel not good enough. I have spent 15 years trying to FEEL thin and beautiful. And I am still not there.
The voices of culture, friends, and family aren't going to go away. It's a CHOICE to believe true things about beauty.
The whole thing must be so heartbreaking for God. He created us so carefully and so purposefully and yet we refuse to believe we are beautiful and have value. I don't know very many women who don't struggle with their image. I cringe thinking of the devil sitting smiling at how he has twisted our thinking.
Thankfully God only asks us of what we can do. So He must believe in me. :) And I think he is bringing me to a place where I will see the pain the girls feel in their attempts to fit in and feel accepted. Walking through pain with others is a very intense experience and it will hopefully bring me to a place of confession and repentance. I have confessed, but I have yet to honestly repent.
Jesus is so awesome because He wants us whole and he wants to use us in His great plan. And He slowly works through the rough spots to shine us up with His GLORY.
May we all work through our weaknesses.

an update

We put on shoes, socks, pants, shirts, and sweaters to embrace the cool weather. My cheeks are still rosy from our morning walk. We walked on a lovely path through tall trees whose leaves are beginning to change. My hands are still warming up...I think it's time to buy mittens.

Step into Africa is happening at our church this week. It's a World Vision experience to bring awareness to the AIDS pandemic in Africa. Yesterday I was at the church for several hours in the morning, and then went to a women's tea to hear about the effects of the virus on women and then volunteered at the experience in the evening. There are four children represented in the exhibit. You see photos of their homes, their families...their lives. You are stamped in the clinic with the result of your AIDS test. My hand still bears a red circle with a red plus in the middle. I have walked through the lives of two children...Babiyre and Emmanuel...a girl and a boy...both incidentally from Uganda. The experience is quite moving. There are many things about the AIDS crisis that I was unaware of...including the effects of poverty and how that accelerates the disease much quicker than in the US. I am learning a lot about World Vision...including their devotion to the lives of children...right in line with my calling. :) I find the non profit organization to be quite wonderful, despite my previous thoughts.

David and I plan to have a low key morning... I need to clean this pig pen of a home and he will study then we will reunite and go downtown to the Saturday Market and buy fresh fruits and vegetables for the week. This afternoon I work with one of the elderly women, and then at the restaurant. David will be going to watch the Florida/Tennesse football game at the youth pastor's home. I am bummed I can't go!

This week youth group starts and I will be working with frosh/sophomore girls. The chosen study is a book called Designed By God by Regina Franklin. I think it should bring up some important topics about image. Please pray for my time with the girls as I look to build relationships.

So that's the update.

a thought

We were asked to pray for someone's wife yesterday. She had an appointment today with the doctor. Reason unknown. We were told, "It could be bad." (Whatever that means.) The husband emailed a group of us this morning with an update that everything is fine. "God is good."

Does that mean that God is bad if the results had been negative?

taking care of the elderly

I finally found the courage to ask how her husband died. Was he sick or did it happen suddenly? The story she told me opened up my heart for the elderly and how they, like children, need people to fight for them and help them.
She woke up to find him sick. She didn't think much of it and began to clean up the mess. She soon realized she needed to call 911. The paramedics came and took him to the hospital. She didn't have her shoes and socks on so she didn't go in the ambulance. (This alone is saddening. How much would it have taken for a medic to help her with her shoes and socks to be with her husband.) She arrived at the hospital and no one could tell her where he was. She didn't know where to sit or what to do because no one would give her any answers...so she drove home. When she arrived back, the director heard her story and called the hospital to find out where he was. She deserved to be with her husband. The hospital told the director to send the woman back...accompanied by a family member.
It never occurred to her that he might die. He had had heart surgeries and worse symptoms and always came through. If only she had been there to tell the medics they shouldn't use the defibulator...or to tell them his history. She thinks about this day at night when she's falling asleep. If only she could have been there when he left this world.

I have been raised to fight for what I want. I don't go home and wonder where my husband is, I demand to see him.

There comes a point when we can't fight anymore. Where time passes slowly and everyday tasks take an immense amount of time to accomplish.

My experiences working with the elderly are awakening another part of my compassionate heart that hadn't been touched before.

We need to take better care of our elderly.

A Book Review: El Zahir

Yes, my first book review ever! First, this book was amazing. I really liked it. There was a section that I found thought provoking.
"To begin there was a city wall. The wall remained, but part of it was used to build a chapel. Many years passed, and teh chapel became a church. Another century passed, and the church became a Gothic cathedral. The cathedral had had its moments of glory, there had been structural problems, for a time it had been abandoned, and then restoration work had distorted the whole shape of the building, but each generation thought it solved the problem and would rework the original plans. Thus, in teh centuries that followed, they raised a wall here, took down a beam there, added a buttress over there, created or bricked up stained glass windows.
And the cathedral withstood it all.
I walk through the skeleton of the cathedral, studying the restoration work curently being carried out: this time the architects guarantee that they have found the perfect solution. Everwhere there are metal supports, scaffolding, grand theories about what to do next, and some criticism abou waht was done in the past.
And suddently, in the middle of the central nave, I realize something very important: the cathedral is me, it is all of us. We are all growing and changing shape, we notice certain weaknesses that need to be corrected, we don't always choose the best solution, but we carry on regardless, trying to remain upright and decent, in order to do honor not to the walls or the doors or the windows, but to the empty space inside, and where we worship and venerate what is dearest and most important to us."

I guess that isn't really a review...more of a quote... anyway

A Great Weekend

What a lovely weekend at the cottage! I was able to wake up one morning at 6:30 to take a picture of the kayak as the sun was rising. (Then I went back to bed!!!) I also dropped a ski and am learning on one now. HURRAY!!! I am trying to follow in the steps of the pros as seen in the pics above!

And the moon was a magnificent bright orange on Saturday night.

I admit settling back into life is a bummer deal. I like the tranquility and peace of the cottage. Coming home to laundry, cleaning, and reality... bites!

off to the cottage

I am soooo excited to go up north.

funny things old people say

Poppy to David: "Are you growing a beard or are you just lazy?"

Marcheta to me (the woman I take care of) in reference to a wedding card: " Well, I am not sure what to write. Hmmm How about 'Wishing you happiness and a long marriage,' now wait, he's 90... They have a lot of nerve, you know."


I am sure I will have more as the days go on! I love spending time with the wise.

A Prayer For H

Her hearing is on Friday...it's a placement hearing, and yes, our names are still going to be suggested. My prayer is for this to not last any longer and for her to go to her forever home asap. She isn't doing very well.

I HAVE A JOB

So...a year ago on a visit to Sedona my dad and I were on a beautiful hike together. He was talking about how he needed someone to do all his administrative work for his job. This would save him lots of time and then when he is home he can be more present with Keaton. At the time I was thinking how great that would be, but I was teaching. Well, I called him last week and suggested I be his administrative worker. Well, we talked for about an hour last night and we have committed to try it until the end of the year. Then we can evaluate how it's going. HURRAY!!! I am really excited.

Retail

Ann Taylor pays more than the preschool I was thinking about working at. Explain that! And I have an interview at Banana Republic on Monday!

tile vs. carpet

So as I was vacuuming, I started thinking about tile vs. carpet. I like tile because it feels like when you clean it you get all the dirt and your home is dirt free! With carpet I still feel like there is dirt in there....grrr! Also, tile doesn't stain. However, with tile one must first vacuum/sweep and then mop. With carpet one just vacuums. Tile is cool on the feet, and there's nothing like carpet on a rainy Michigan day...with that said, Charlie's feet also spot my carpet on the rainy days!
I like my carpet because I vacuum once a day and it looks nice in our home.
To end, I can vacuum my entire condo without unplugging the vacuum from the living room socket.

wisdom

I was on the phone with a very wise man yesterday. We were conversing about different job possibilities. I said, "It's hard for me to take a job that pays $8 an hour. I just feel like I am worth more than that."

He said, "Well dear, you can't measure your worth in dollars and cents."

on music

I began listening to music at a young age. My mother always had beautiful music in the home. She had different tunes for when she was cooking, cleaning, reading, writing, and enteraining. I learned about the joy of music from my mother.
During my lonely years I escaped to my bedroom and listened to various artists, each coordinated with my mood. Sometimes I would play the song on repeat so I could stay in the emotion.
Music motivates me. As a cheerleader, I tumbled better with a good song. At the gymnastic center I had control of the entire system so that I would tumble effectively! I have certain songs that I write with. I have music to read with, and music to cry with. I love it.
I have very special songs that I worship with as well. I love that God gave us music to love Him with. There is a connection that I make with my Father through song.
My mom had me take piano lessons at a young age and I loved it. I love the sound of the piano.
I watched a movie called The Piano today. I identified with the main character and her passion for the piano. I feel similar, but I can't make music. I just play it. I don't know what I would do without music. In fact, it was often my parent's grounding...no music...
Music creates a stir of emotion in the soul. Halie and I used to dance around...she loved music. I loved watching her turn circles at church as she floated around with her friends...enjoying the genuine music at the Village. Maybe I passed on to her the ability to treasure a song.
Music is healing.
Music is my refuge.

on jobs

It's been a frustrating move to Michigan in terms of job hunting. I am interested in doing all kinds of things to make money. I think the biggest challenge is my self esteem. I know I can walk in and get a job at a restaurant, or find a decent nanny position, or work at any retail store in the mall. I also know I can get a job working with children at a day care. The common denominator: none of the jobs pay more than $10/hour, and the majority pay around $7. Yet I feel much better when I am offered a job even if the pay is low. After some time working for low pay though I start to get depressed that I am not making more...I realize not only do we need more, but I have the ability to make more.
Family and friends have also been encouraging me to look at better options including social work, Applied Safety, and the University of Michigan.
For the last couple weeks I have had NO idea what I wanted to do. Nothing was drawing my attention. I viewed everything as a "stupid job." I have been praying for direction and for a pasiont about something. Yesterday afternoon I decided to pursue the University of Michigan. It's hard for me because I will be rejected many times, but I know once chosen for a job it will be worth it. So pray for me during this process.
I'd also like to note that I do have direction and purpose in what I want to do! You all know my biggest passion and what God has called me to do in this life is to be a Mom. So finding a job apart from what I want so badly is also a shocker to reality now. I know God is faithful and I know He wouldn't give me this deep passion if He wasn't going to do something with it. Thus, it's a time of great faith for me.
Oh and p.s. on the prayer blog... I have found my prayer life to thrive on my morning walks. I am glad I found Steven's prayer blog YESTERDAY. I had no idea it existed. So now I can pray specifically for him. Maybe we should set up a family prayer blog and we can submit various prayer requests and then we can be praying for specifics. Hmmmm
I love you all!

How do you pray?

I have been thinking about my walk with Jesus a lot lately. It's been a hard transition because I had a safety net in Tucson. Not only was it the routine, the job, the church...but I had a mentor, a small group, and a counselor. It's overwhelming to even write that because it makes me look like such a mess! I am a mess. Sue was an amazing mentor because she asked the hard questions and was an amazing encourager. She spoke truth to me and was helping me find my identity. She really helped me see my gifts and was really helping me meet Jesus. My pilgrimage group was solid and met twice a month for over a year. We prayed together, laughed together cried together. It was in those quiet moments that I was able to weep over N and H. And they were able to help me weep and also help me realize the gifts and safety we offered the girls. And Julie counseled me on my past. She was really helping me see how the past changed me and helped me see why I do the things I do...and she was helping me break the patterns. So each element of my relationships in Tucson was intricately layered to help me grow in both my relationship with Christ, but also in how I treat myself and others.
So I have been thinking about what I will do in Ann Arbor to continue working forward. And I started thinking prayer. Prayer is profound and mysterious. It is promising and it is solid. It can calm the storms in my soul and give me the fire I need to move forward...and yet I so often neglect to be faithful in prayer. It is probably the biggest obstacle in my walk. In HS I kept a prayer journal so that I could look back and read how God was faithful in answering my prayers. That is a cool journal to read over.
The reason I think prayer is so important for me right now is because it is me meeting with Christ in a quiet place...and there is a big part of that which frightens me. I am an extrovert. I do well working through my struggles with people...but battling with Christ and confessing my sins alone seems horribly lonely.
Sue once suggested that I make a list of all the people I want to pray for and find a quiet place (she used her closet) and sit in there and pray until I was finished...this avoids the distractions. I did this a few times...but then failed to follow through.
She then suggested I pray not only for them, but for God to reveal verses for each person and begin filling in the sheet with verses given by God. This also seems great..but I don't think I am ready.
I guess it's a lot like Paul talking about working our way through...and not eating solid food until we can handle the light stuff. And it's so frustrating because I feel like I am further along in my walk than I actually may be and to imagine taking the baby steps in my walk is almost humiliating. I wonder why God gives grace to the humble!!!
At this point I have some ideas of how I will begin a deeper life of prayer. Including starting with praying diligently for my family (David) and then working my way out....if that makes sense. I guess I was never taught how to pray for people.
It's also really cool because I really starting thinking seriously about prayer this morning on a walk with David and then at church Pastor Ken announced his new sermon series to begin next Sunday: prayer. God is so amazing.
It's hard for me to post all this because it reveals weaknesses...but if there is anything I want and can offer it is transparency.
And I need prayer for prayer. :)
Also...ideas are welcomed.
It's amazing to be part of such a solid, loving, prayerful family...and not just the immediate family...but to see the love and grace here in Ann Arbor is even greater!
May we all walk closely with our Savior.

Meet Charlie

So I wanted a beagle...and we all know I am relentless! David said I could get a beagle if we didn't have to pay for it. So I went on craigslist for a few days and then I found a beagle listed!
Charlie was adopted from the Humane Society in January, but the lady who adopted him has pit bulls and a pit bull attacked him. So the lady gave him to a girl she worked with. Then the girl couldn't keep him because she lives at home and they have 4 dogs. So I called her and we went to her house. We showed up and all the dogs were barking, but not Charlie! He is very sweet, but very timid. He prefers to be by himself most of the day and lay around. When you try to pet him he puts his tail between his legs. It's really sad...but he's already doing a lot better.

Settling in

It's been awhile since I have posted. Oops. David and I are finally settling in. The condo is 99% done. I just need to clean up my desk and put random things away. For those of you who know me well...you know I have way too many random things!
I love our condo!!!! It's so great. The neighborhood is beautiful with lots of trees, flowers, and a blanket of grass. Everyone says hi when we walk by and we even get into conversations with people from time to time. There our lots of walks we can do for fun, including a nature walk that takes you back into the woods not 5 minutes from our condo. The weather has been a pleasant 75-83 degrees. We have had lots of sun, although it looks like today might be a bit cloudy.
We attended Huron Hills Baptist Church on Sunday. Luke made sure we felt comfortable and met a lot of people. The church is teaming up with World Vision and preparing a huge event to bring more awareness to the AIDS crisis in Africa. Just my kind of church! it seems to be very servant focused and there are all kinds of ways to get involved in the community. After church we barbequed in the park! It was so great. I had a great time playing frisbee as well. Then later that evening Luke took us to game night at his bosses house (who also goes to HH). We played baseball with a big plastic bat and larager ball. It was a blast!!!! Then we played volleyball and then catchphrase inside. It was so fun to be outside until after 10 running around in bare feet. So far, Michigan is treating me quite well. It reminds me of Oregon.
The job hunt was going slow. I applied at so many jobs and wasn't hearing anything... I found some jobs at the UofM that seemed great...but now word. So I went downtown to apply at some fancy restaurants on Main St. Gratzi interviewd me, but because it's been a couple years would have me host and be a server's assistant for awhile before I would serve...which isn't that bad...they said they'd give me a call. Then I was walking down the street and I heard latin music and I walked inside. I filled out an application, they interviewed me in Spanish and hired me on the spot! I was given a t shirt, apron and asked to return on Thursday for training! SWEET. I will have 10 table sections...very different from the measley 3 at Bahama Breeze. I also have to carry a tray. Gulp. But I think I will like it. It's a small, family owned restaurant called El Sabor Latino. There are only 3 servers on at a time...very different from the like 20 at Bahama Breeze. So far everyone I have talked to LOVES eating there. Good sign.
So yeah...things are going well here. I have a surprise post that I will put on later so check back!!

Michigan

So you can view the pics from our fantastic trip at http://picasaweb.google.com/adriana.crawford/Michigan.
I didn't edit or take any out so yeah...there's like 290.
Enjoy

Difficult Good-byes

While my husband has been on a blog writing streak I have been struggling to find words to fit my emotions. These past three months have been the most difficult core shaking months. Our journey of saying farewell to a variety of people and pets is coming to an end as we prepare to embark early Monday morning.
Our dear friends hosted a final dinner at their home...the Seneca House. This home has been a refuge for David and me. We have eaten hundreds of meals there...So we ate enchiladas (4 different types were served), chips and salsa, guacamole, sour cream, salad, snickerdoodles, and ice cream. After a fabulous dinner we all made our way out to the porch.
The wind was lightly blowing and the air felt cool. There were sparatic thunder bursts and lightning streaks. It was a perfect Tucson evening. Our friends (Sue, Eric, Lori, Ron, Michael, Ryan,Cheryl, Ginger, and Kevin) shared with us how we have impacted their lives and how much they appreciate us. God has blessed us with amazing friends. Then after sharing special memories and encouraging words they all prayed for us.
Not only was it an evening of beauty with friends, but I saw another side to my dear husband. David described his lonely ways before we dated and with teary eyes expressed how much he appreciates the friendships offered. I love seeing him in his vulnerability. I appreciate and admire his faithfulness and love of his friends.
We are leaving many great things in Tucson. This has been an amazing place to grow in my marriage and my relationship with God. I pray that God will continue to light our paths and lead us through green valleys.
I would also like to add I am going to dearly miss David's family here in Tucson. It has been such a blessing to have Saturday lunches and random opportunities to hang out. God loves us to be in community and love one another!

A Great Struggle

I have been reading a book entitled, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. It is ¨nonreligious thougths on Christian spirituality.¨So far I have been enjoying it greatly. It might be one of those books I read again and again. It feels like it´s giving you too much at once and you can only work on so many things at once! This is also how I felt after reading the book Steven gave me for Christmas a few years ago...Let Me Be a Woman.
So today I was reading in the sun and I began the chapter, Love: how to really love other people. Donald reflects a summer of travels and backpacking. He spends a month living with pot smoking hippies in the middle of Eastern Oregon. It is there that he encounters people who love one another. There aren´t expectation and stipulations. Your ideas are listened to and perhaps challenged...but in a manner that is first resepectful.
After the month in the bush Donald makes his way to Colorado where he will be a counselor at a Christian camp. He is asked to shave and clean up a bit upon arriving. Hmmmm He then begins attending a unitarian church. He enjoys the love and acceptance it provides, but realizes the people in the church all have different theologies, philosophies, etc... How can this be? He writes, ¨On the other hand, however, I felt by loving liberal people, I mean by really endorsing in their existence, I was betraying the truth of God because I was encouraging them in their lives apart fom God...¨

So then the pounding question:
¨HOW COULD I MERGE THE CULTURE OF TEH WOODS AND THE UNITARIAN CHURCH WITH CHRISTIAN CULTURE AND YET NOT ABANDON THE TRUTH OF SCRIPTURE? HOW COULD I LOVE MY NEIGHBOR WITHOUT ENDORSING WHAT I TRULY BELIEVED WAS UNHEALTHY SPIRITUALLY?¨

One of his conclusions leads us to examine our relationships-love. Think of metaphors that cause trouble in relationships: we value people, we invest in people, relationships can be bankrupts, people are priceles.... we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money.

He gives the example of someone who lived a pagan life and spoke with swear words and was socially awkward....rather than loving this person he ignored him and thought badly of him...ultimately he WITHELD love.
How many times have I been annoyed by someone? How often have I witheld love? The thought is piercing into the depths of who God has called me to be.
The Bible says, ¨Talk with your mouth and your heart doesn´t show love...you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everyone around you.¨


Even with the ideas of love and how we use it as a commodity I still struggle. Ok, so my job is to openly love...no matter what. It is Christ´s job to change hearts and my job to love. I can deal with that. I can wrestle and struggle and work to love people...but I have when it comes to the next question I am stumped:
So what is the church´s job?

I honestly don´t know. Do we open the doors wide open and love love love while awaiting for Christ to change hearts? Do we close them and let people slide in? Do we openly point fingers at sinners when we ourselves fall short every second of every day?
This is a key question for even choosing a church to attend. What kind of community do I want to be a part of? One of the things that The Village has offered is loving the socially awkward. The ones who speak out in church and on the street and make you wonder.... the Village loves them and accepts them and welcomes their comments. I have seen Christ´s love in the church...for the first time.
So anyway, I know you have a lot of sifting through this long winded blog...but any ideas are welcomed and asked of!

Fotos de España

Here are a few photos of us enjoying ourselves in Spain. The first is in Salobreña, on the Mediterranean. I can´t even tell you how windy it was...well you have an idea with the cray hair.
There is also a pic of the three of us on the other side of the cliff from Al Alhambra in Granada.
I hope to upload more later!!!

España

What a trip! We are having a great time here!! We have seen so many things. It´s been one of the greatest trips I have ever been on.
I hope to upload some pictures tomorrow so that you can see a few. I have taken over a 1000. Oops! We all know I love to take pictures.
David´s blog explains our trip in detail...so read his for more detail!!!
I actually don´t have much to write, but I thought I would at least update my blog some.
Be back later with pics!

On Loss

H is gone. I am going through one of the greatest grieving times of my life. This little girl walked into our lives and changed us forever. She was in a shelter. She didn't know how to use the bathroom at almost 5 years. She couldn't communicate and she was on meds that made her dull to life. We were able to bring her out of all those things. She became a child of life. A child that would run around and laugh and engage with people. I was able to watch her life transform into something so beautiful.
It's been very painful to wake up today without her. I miss her bare feet pitter pattering on the tile...the smell of her hair as she cuddles in my arms... the sound of her laughter...and the joy that filled our home.
This morning I woke up as a mother on a clock...knowing that she would be getting up soon...yet not having her here was really hard. I just laid in bed staring at the ceiling.
The children at the barbeque yesterday were running around having a great time and I kept wanting her to come and find me...come and surprise me...it's just unreal to have a child in your life one moment and then gone the next.
Many say it's like the death of a child. And it really is. She's gone to us. Of course I trust God and I know she is safe in her new home. However, I will never see her again. I won't be there for her moments of life. And I so deeply long for that.

So I was reading Psalms this morning and a verse struck me. "Blessed is the one who walks in the Light of the Lord."
I truly need light right now. I need my friends to sit with me and cry with me as I sob. I need David to take walks with. I can't handle the dark. The Lord is my light. He is going to bring me through this.
I feel a peace through my pain as well. I know God called us into providing a safe home for a child who had formerly lived in a place that mimicks hell. I know he brought us through the tough months of screaming and shaping. Thus, I know he will bring us through our grief.
Also through all this I think of the heart of God. When I miss our little girl it is painful in the being of who I am. I can't describe what it is one feels when going through loss. And I think of my Jesus.The loss he feels for His people. Being made in His image is painful because when we go through the tough times we get closer to who He is and how He feels about us. He really aches for us to know him and be part of the kingdom.
Overall, I am in a great amount of pain. I go through the regret of ever doing foster care and then I look at the joy it brought us.
I ask that you pray for David and I as we move through this time. He is also struggling greatly.

a good memory

David and I spent the morning together. We went to the park and then the 3 of us went to breakfast. In all, we walked around 3-4 miles. It was a very peaceful morning. While we were sitting at Duke's Restaurant a memory came to me.
A few years ago David and I walked to a quaint family owned restaurant (much like the one we were at today). We didn't have a lot of money and decided to share an omelet. We had coffee as well. We enjoyed our meal and had a pleasant conversation. I noticed two men sitting near us. It seems that they were looking to buy a house. They had papers of homes and were going through them. We glanced and nodded and continued with our conversations.
The two men left, and shortly after we asked for our check. The waitress said, the two men who had been sitting next paid for our bill. They wanted to do it without receiving thanks and recognition.
David and I were so greatful by their gestuure. It made our day.

Caroline's Request

My Favorite foods:

1. anything italian
2. caesar salad
3. chicken wings with ranch
4. tres leches cake
5. chunky monkey ice cream
6. chips and salsa/guacamole

My favorite restaurants:
1. Bahama Breeze
2. Ginos (Portland, OR)
3. Feast (Tucson, AZ)
4. The Olive Garden
5. Havana Cafe (Phoenix, AZ)

Yummy... I love to eat!

Swimming beauty!

Isn't she great!??!!??!?!?!?!?

we bought a condo!

Hurray! It's so cute! It's a 2bed/1bath teeny tiny condo in the beautiful town of Ann Arbor, MI. I had the greatest time there this weekend! It's going to be so great.
We are in a hurry tonight...so I will play catch up tonight!!!
I plan to write on the following things later:
my favorite foods for Caroline
my experience in Detroit
the latest in life

We will not be adopting H. I'm sure Daid and I will write more later.

update

So I still haven't been able to speak to the CW. Apparently she's been promoted and they are down three...so yeah, it's been really rough communicating. Well, there hasn't been communication. David and I have decided that if chosen, we will adopt her. It's really up to the agency and/or the judge. I don't know if the other homestudy has been completed (for the other family). I don't know if the judge would choose us. It's also crazy because this could effect our trip to Spain. If we are in the middle of adoption we won't go. If they want to remove her we may leave without knowing where she'll be (back at the shelter? in a new foster home?)

So many uknowns. The sovereignty and will of God is all I can trust. Hopefully we will have some questions answered when someone comes to visit on Thursday. Although, she just works at the agency and doesn't know anything about our case.

There is an important meeting on May 2, involving the CW and her supervisor. I am not sure what they will be talking about, but I know it's about H.

On a deleted post, Mom mentioned choosing a date and fasting as a family. I am totally for this. Or at least praying. I know adopting her is a HUGE deal. I also know it's not up to us. They will choose a family for H and ultimately God will lead them in the right direction. David and I are going to fast and pray on Sunday if anyone wants to join us. Or whenever. If God speaks insight to you about this decision, please share with us!
Thanks. Love ya all. It's really great to be part of such a special family

upside down

My life feels upside down and I feel at a complete loss of control. Another unexpected arrive yesterday. We will not be transitioning H to live with her grandma. Her grandma isn't ready...and the state isn't ready. So what does that mean for her?? Well either another foster home or with a relative she's never met in another state. It's all the same to H...going to an unknown place. There is a slit possibility that we could take her with us. At least, I have this idea spinning in my mind...the officials have to agree and make it happen.
When I got the news I broke down. I just hate that her future is so fragile and so unclear. I am at the mercy of my Lord. A good place to be, but a very scary place. Will He really protect her? Is He really going to make sure she ends up in a family that is good to her? I don't think He promises that. Does He? Are there no guarantees while you are here, but only a guarantee for those who believe and will receive eternal life? I am a human of the now. Take care of her now! I guess it would be better to live a horrible life, but come to know Jesus and be saved then to have a great life and never know your Creator. Are those the options? Of course not. Are those the options for H? I don't know anymore.
I know God is asking me to trust Him and allow Him to take care of her. I am not ready to let go. I want her with me. I want to know she is safe and loved. Even though she is a child of the state she has wiggled her way into my heart as my daughter. And I love her as such. I want for her the way I will want for my own.
So prayer for our H. Pray for her life. And pray for whether you think we should consider taken her to MI (if the opportunity arrives). Yes, I am asking for truth.
Thanks for loving her.

Steven's Request 2

What are your three favorite days, not recurring days, but days of your life that you look back on with particular nostalgia?

1. Trinidad, Cuba April 2003. When I met David. The night David and I stayed up until 4 AM talking on the beach. I was very broken and he was the first person I laid my heart on. As silly as it sounds, I knew there was something special between us. We shared our life stories and immediatly bonded.



2. Meeting H. October 24, 2006. Going to the shelter and being lead to a small young girl in a room with 5 other children. She looked up and me and I knew she would come home with us. It didn't happen for another week.



3. My wedding day.

On God's Faithfulness

I truly worship a God of love. A God who enjoys blessing me. Lately we have had blessing after blessing.

The crash: Not getting into the University of Arizona
1. Knowing God wants us in Detroit, MI

Not knowing where we will live
1. Having lots of connections in Detroit through David's family
2. Being able to fly out to Detroit to visit the city- and our school is giving us 1.5 days off!

Having to give up my dogs
1. Finding Parker a home at our dear friends, the Lewis'- they already love him dearly
2. David's parents volunteered to take in my Lucy

Knowing the drive to Detroit will be long and lonely
1. Having friends volunteer to road trip with you out to Michgain

Not knowing how to pay 50G a year for school
1. The Air Force wants to offer David a scholarship (if he can find his diplomas!!)

Our little girl
1. God had already showed us she would be transitioniong in June

The Blessings God has for us in Michigan
1. The cottage (David's family has a cottage in Interlochen)
2. David's family
3. The inner city- We both feel called to work in the inner city

Steven's Request

My three favorite places:


1. Madrid, Spain
2. La Habana and Trinidad, Cuba
3. Yucatan Peninsula especially Merida, Mexico


Yes, all outside the United States. There is something about each of those places that has changed me. I could live in any of those places. Although, legally, I can only choose 2/3. :)

on transitioning

The inevitable has presented itself. H will probably begin her transition to be with her family. Transitioning in foster care is really hard because 99% of the time the children are released into homes that are "better" than where they came from, but not as good as the foster home. I feel really sad, although I am trying not to think about it. My strategy in dealing with pain in life is to disconnect. I have done this a few times over the past few motnhs. I have been seeing a counselor from our church who is also my friend and we talked about my disconnecting is a sin. Tough. It's true though. I signed up to love the unloved and I am required in my commitment to the children to love them and stay connected. This will be the hardest part of transitioning... staying connected to a child I will know nothing of in 6 months. However, she deserves the best.
So this transition will take a few months, but my goal is to have her gone before we leave for Spain. I desire this selfishly and unselfishly. Selfishly I will be able to detox in Spain for 3 weeks.... I can disconnect! Unselfishly if we leave for 3 weeks H will go into an unknown home come back to us for about a week or 2 and then move on. Yeah, not the greatest for her.
I would like us all to pray. Pray that God's hand will walk with her during life and that He will call her into His kingdom by name. That she may know Him. Pray that I survive this. :) Not only that I "survive", but that if it is God's desire for us to take in another precious unloved child that we will. I see this as a calling for our life, but it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. God is amazing. He puts these amazing desires in our hearts...yet they are the most difficult of all things.
Thank you for all your continuous love and support.
pray.

Ancient Ways

So I have been doing yoga lately. It is so great. I have always loved stretching and poses--- I was a cheerleader. :) It really pushes my flexibility, which if you know me you know this is a big deal. Yet it's not the physical challenge that strengthens me as much as the mental challenge. The purpose of yoga postures is to learn to calm our bodies to get to the deep meditation. Sounds scary since yoga is connected with Buddhism. However, with the right mentality yoga can be used to calm the self and connect with God in a peaceful mind. I think about the connection people must have had with God before the noise. In fact, the purpose of noise was probably musical worship in the street festivals. I see how many other religions- specifically eastern religions teach discipline and peace. Although I have been taugh peace and ways of discipline...there is something about the ancient ways that really challenges me to know God in a deeper....you have been around 4.5 billion years kind og God. I feel like the Christianity I have been taught is a modern moving Christianity not an ancient all knowing religion. I see in my Chrisitians the lack of peace and centering. Craziness is our game! Let me help you here and let me do this and that and make money or volunteer and I want to scream QUIET... PEACE. Yoga has been a place where I go to exercise by moving my body with my breath and often I connect with God in prayer. Then when it's tome to lie on my mat for 10-15 minutes I lose myself in thinking about Him. And eventually I drift off into a not sleeping not thinking state of peace.
I pray that God would teach me more of His ancient ways and how to love him more intimately.
May we all desire peace in ourselves.

Our problem?

On the way home from school today I passed by a sign attached to the bus stop covering. It said, "Meth: It's OUR problem." Hmmm is it OUR problem? Now some in my life would argue yes, however, I am not so quick to decide. Why is someone's choice to use a drug that has an extremely low recovery rate MY fault? If it's a question of whether I should help...well I am. I am a foster mom. Foster children are in care because of drugs 95% of the time...and if you're in Tucson it's probably meth. So in terms of the children I help raise because their parents choose meth I am involved...it has become a problem I am forced to deal with. I don't have an brilliant answers or ideas. I am just wondering if it's OUR problem? Are we failing society? Did we do something that created a difficult life for some? What part of the fault should I carry? I suppose I should mourn for all who fall into the life of drugs. I should pray for recovery in Tucson...that children will remain in their homes and be raised by those who created them.
Thoughts please.

pics of life

Jane's publish of pictures motivated me to share with you all life with us. It was great to see how you are doing...and see Mark too. :)
So David and I went back to visit friends and family in Oregon. Pam flew home from her 15 month deployment in Iraq. We went to dinner with old friends. My mom had a huge party at the Governor's Hotel downtown for Pam. It was awesome. This weekend we took the elders down to Rancho Betania. Another great time. So here's the pics:



David with Kwi, Fritz, Maddy, and Gracie


David and Pam

My mom and me


Sue at the ranch

Then Anna and the bug were having a great time!









David and the bug driving

an unknown future

As David mentioned, the month of February is quickly coming to an end and we haven't heard about the University of Arizona. It's an odd feelibng knowing that we might be moving to Michigan next year. I am torn. Part of me loves new adventures, experiences, and places. I look to moving to Ypsilanti as an adventure. I have looked around Michigan with google earth...it's cool seeing all the places...there are a lot of lakes. I also looked at some houses for sale. Wow. The houses are really cool and we can get a lot for our money. Then I looked for churches... it's hard becuase I love our church here and I can't imagine finding any church like it. I truly hope we hear from the U of A soon so that we can know that we are staying here.
I am feeling almost numb to the whole thing since we really don't know what is going to happen. I am trying to prepare myself to be excited for whatever happens.

Acts 7

So we all know that I don't choose to read very often. I really struggled in my quiet times last year because it was hard to sit down and read. I would start reading a book of the Bible and then stop and then not get baack into it for awhile. It was really frustrating because my first 2 years of college I had great quiet times. I just couldn't get into the groove...it's hard to explain. I was really working with Sue (my mentor) to learn what a quiet time means...not the cookie cutter quiet times that I had been handed.... you know read this, pray, write. I needed someting more spontaneous...something deeper. Well, I didn't really get connected as often as I wanted during my spontaneity. So this year I have been trying something different...well, not that different- it's more of a psychological difference. So Sue gave me this "reading plan" that she found for the year. It reads through the New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I think the difference is that if I miss a day rahter than beating myself up and trying to read 2 or 3 days at once because I didn't read, I just pick up on the date. (David's idea). This has really helped me not feel overwhelmed and like a failure.
So this year has beengoing a lot better,I have been reading on a regular basis and I look forward to my quiet time with Jesus.
The next frustration I have is that I don't know the history of the BIble as well as I would like. I often forget who came first and where they lived and all that stuff. I know lots of people have a hard time keeping it all straight...but that doesn't seem to help me let go of wanting to know it all.
So yesterday God gave me a gift. The gift of Acts 7.
So Stephen gets up and is speaking to the Sanhedrins. He starts talking about how they are all doing just as their forefathers. And he starts preaching Old Testament histroy
- so he begins with Abraham- God promises that his descendents will inherit-- well first they'll be mistreated and then God will punish those who did the mistreating. Abraham is given the covenant of circumcision
- Abraham is the father of Isaac then
- Isaac of Jacob.
-Jacob the faher of the 12 patriarchs- 1 of which is Joseph- who has very jealous brothers that take him to Egypt. So he's raised in as an Egyptian and then a famine comes and he is able to help his family. And the pharaoh treats him well. Then a new pharaoh comes who doesn't know him and that's when God offers Moses. Moses raised with Pharaoh, kills an Egyptian because of an argument and flees. Then God shows up as a burning bush. Over time after the plagues the Israelites are freed- but they spend 40 years in the desert. Then they begin worshipping idols.
-then Joshua comes
-David who wants to build a home for God
-but it's Solomon who builds it
So Steven's finishes and the crowd is not happy. So they take him away to stone him and guess who is ordering the stoning...none other than Saul.

So I love this chapter for so many reasons. 1. It will forever be a quick reference to remember who came first- I have read all their stories, but I can't remember in what order they came...this really helps 2. Stephen's last words were about God's involvement with his people and how he had the best for them... 3. Saul is the one ordering Steven's death. yeah, Paul's letter and love for Christ leads people to Christ daily.

I think God's mercy is so real when we read the Bible. It never ceases to amaze me that David is known as the man after God's own heart and he had so many women on the side. And then Saul/Paul was a huge persecuter of Christians.They both repented and God forgave them. But it wasn't the kind of forgiveness that reminded them of their faults...or the kind that says I forgive you for now, but when I am angry I might bring up your sin again. No, it was clean and their sin was gone. It's so hard to forgive that way. I often think I have forgiven, just to be reminded that I really haven't.
All of you know David and I broke up before our engagement and I made some really stupid choices. But when David decided that he was going to forgive me and try to work it out...he meant it. I have never been reminded of the time that I left him (well, only by my father in law- but he reminds me out of love and kindness- more of a joke to ease the pain!). He's never asked anything of me when it comes to the time. I think David's forgiveness was a testimony of God's love and mercy. As far as the east to the west so are your sins forgiven...

May we be the kind of Christians who in the midst of our persecution we cry out as Stephen, "'Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.' Then he fell on his knees and cry out, 'Lord, do not hold this sin against them.'"

jobs?

So I am considering finding a new job for next year. Yeah...things aren't going really well at school. The things I dislike the most are 1. The drive- about an hour a day- not so bad with David, but I can't imagine doing it along next year. 2. There are some shady things happening there. I can't quite put my finger on exactly what is going on, but I just know that there are some things that aren't acceptable, plus I don't feel like posting them. :)
Things I love about my job 1. my students- I have the greatest class 2. The parents of my students. 3. the freedom to run my day as I please.
So the question I am facing is what exactly I want to do. Our friends suggested an 8-5- don't take any work home- kind of job. David thinks I should continue to teach. I don't really know. For me, I love children and I like to be around them...but I could nanny- David won't let me- he doesn't want me to become a servant to anyone- I don't really see it that way. I could find another teaching job. Sounds exhausting and overwhelming. I could work for CPS (Child protective services)- but I don't know if I can handle it.
I don't know what to do. I guess I would like to stay where I am, but I can't stand the administration and the drive. I just want to find a place where I can stay for awhile.
I just feel confused. Why does God seem so silent?
I always had this idea in my head that I would find a job that makes a difference. Hmmm...there is also the International Refugee place down teh street. I think i would like to work with refugees.
I think Jane and maybe Steven struggle with the same thing.
I know I want to be a Mom...that will be my final job...but I am not ready for that! So in the meantime....???????????????????

Beauty

So we'll see how this goes...depending on how well I keep my thoughts organized. I feel really tired and my thoughts are all over the place, but I want to post.
So I have been thinking a lot about beauty lately. Well, I never really stop thinking about it... I am a woman.
Growing up I thought that as I got older I would gain more self esteem and know who I am. However, I often feel like I haven't grown at all. I still struggle with body image as I did at the age of 10. I am coming to realize that almost every woman I know has struggled or struggles in this area. This is so frustrating! I am currently seeing a counselor through our church and we got into this discussion last night. Satan especially attacks women's beauty because we are the image of God. There is something about the beauty of women that he hates. I can't really figure it out. What would it look like if we believed we were beautiful and said good bye to our complexes? What would we be able to do that Satan hates so much?
So Julie and I discussed how our choices to believe truth about beauty will impact the young women around us. For example, her daughter--- if I have daughters--- and any young girls that I am currently around. If there is one thing that I would really like it would be to save a girl from the pain of feeling insignificant and ugly. It would be teaching her to renounce the lies. So how do we do this? How do we live in such a way that demonstrates beauty and the renouncing of the world's version? I really don't know. I try to think about the way I grew up and what impacted me to develop eating disorders. I suppose it was the constant comments of beautiful Hollywood women. Look at them...they're perfect and yet I know they feel fat and insignificant. No one would starve themself because they felt beautiful already. However, as a child I didn't realize that. I just figured they were made that way and God messed up with me.
Maybe it was the comments made when I made my order at the fast food restaurants. I wish that if she didn't want me to order a hamburder she shouldn't have taken me to Burger King. (We all know who "she" is).
I think beauty is expressed by the women that men choose. I knew a woman who after her second child gained a significant amount of weight and she had a hard time losing it. Her sons dated very beautiful and thin women. It made her really sad to see this. I didn't know how to console her and I still wouldn't know how.
I also started thinking today about the ways in which I choose to exercise and stay healthy. I often try to imagine the way I would like to look and I get in that mode and I will run until I feel like I can't think anymore. Yeah not so healthy. However, it's been the way I handle these issues since I was a young girl. So I started doing yoga. I like the way that it is a relaxing way to keep your body in shape. It really helps me to clear my head and focus on myself rather than having heightening my stress level.
I would also like to add that I have been the healthiest in this area since I met David. He refused to let me bring make up to Guatemala and he has constantly covered me with words of encouragement about how he sees me. He never comments on the beauty of another woman...not even if I say it first. He usually comments on the ugliness of their emanciated bodies. Since knowing him I was able to drop all the methods that I used to stay thin... which can cause stress just as him not smoking can cause stress on him.
So en fin... I would just like us all to be aware of the beauty scandals and to remind ourselves about the truth God wants us to believe about beauty. I would also like you all to go to this website and watch this video that Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty" shows. http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/flat4.asp?id=6909
May we fight for God's desire for us to truly know beauty.

A Movie Review: Water

A foreign film that takes place in India in the 1980's. An 8 year old girl wakes up to be asked if she remembers getting married. No. Her husband has just died and she is required to go live in a home for widows. She must wear a white linen sari all the time signifying her misfortune. A woman in India lives while her husband lives, and following his death she must also die partly. "Why must I live like I am dead if only part of me is dead?" She asks. The separation from her parents is dramatic....obviously, since she is only 8.
The little girl becomes the hope for the women. She offers life.
While all the other woman embrace their destiny the little girl constantly pushes and asks all the tough questions. "Where do the men widows go," she asks. She is shunned.
The woman have no way to earn money and live so certain beautiful women are used as prostitutes.
Changes are beginning to happen throughout the movie. A law is passed that widows no longer have to be separated from society...but no one follows it. The untouchables are called children of God as well. (Even though many won't embrace that idea either).
So this gorgeous woman in the widow home is exploited to this rich Brahmin on a regular basis. Meanwhile she is beginning to spend time with this good looking Indian who thinks modernly. He doesn't care that she is a widow. So they begin to fall in love. Finally, he shares his heart with his family. Another moment of shunning. Finally, the agree to meet her. While crossing the river to his mansion she aks the name of his father. And yes, it's the same man who has been paying for sex. She orders him to take her back and kills herself.
The next day the little girl is sold to the old man for the evening.

So I thought that this would be a great movie for movie night at our house except I forgot about the following topics along the way: suicide, sexual exploitation of a child, and severe loss.
Overall, I liked the movie. I am thankful that many of these things in India no longer happen in big cities.
It's funny how much people from this part of the world criticize the west and our disgusting pornography, movies, television shows, Hollywood....but I guess we are open about it. We don't promise "safety" and then offer your child to old men.

Waiting on the World to Change

David and I watched 20/20 last night with Diane Sawyer. I stayed home from school (sick) and they had been advertsising it during the day and so I really wanted to watch it. The advertisements played the popular John Mayer song, Waiting on the World to Change. The advertisements showed beautiful children in poverty. Just my kind of show.
The episode was about the poorest and most dangerous city in the United States (voted in 2004,2005)- Camedon, New Jersey. The city looks vacant and broken. All the factories left a decade ago and there are little jobs. The city is contrasted with Moorestown, NJ only 10 minutes away. Moorestown is one of the richest city in the US. ABC goes in taping the children and interviewing families. 1/3 of teenagers were arrested in 2005 on drug charges. Most people survive on the drug economy. A run down apartment on the corner of a street with go for $10,000 a week.
So ABC zoomed on 4 year old, Ivan, 17 year old boy, and a 5 year old girl, Munchi. Ivan's mom can't read and has two children. No husband. Her mom is a crack addict and ends up screaming and yelling at the kids most nights. They are homeless. They attend church every week and many want to help at the church, but are in financial ruins themselves. She is offered an apartment and Ivan is ecstatic, only to find out days later that the family has changed their minds. This scenario happens twice until they are back on the streets. Ivan is a beautiful boy. He wants to be Superman so he can fly out of his town. He longs for school to start so he can begin to read. He loves school and he actually is fed there.
The 17 year old will be the first to graduate HS. He goes to school and then takes a bus to work at a restaurant for 5 hours before returning home to do homework. He is one of few to avoid the world of drugs.
The little girl comes from a home of serious alcohol addiction. Her father has been in and out of clinics. Her parents constantly fighting. Over the year she begins losing some of her ambition and bright spirit, she gets constant headahces from the screaming.
ABC poses the question, what can we do? I am glad they brought up the question, but no satisfactory answer is given. I find it especially hard because the children don't deserve to starve and grow up in a home with screaming, alcoholism, and drug addicts. I think we all agree that the parents are needing serious help, but the chances for success at this point are slim. Who is going to hire a woman who can't read? She can't afford day care for her children while she learns.
I suppose this is where the state usually steps in. Once again, not a pretty picture. The children will be separated from the one thing they haven't lost- their families. I can sit back and say that I offer H more than her parents ever could- but I will never be her "Mom" and DAvid will never be her "Dad". As she grows up she will always have the longing to be with her family. No matter how many times a child is beaten and abused... So it just sucks.
This is where the song is a message. The song talks about how we would like to help. We would like to go in and make things better, but the problems are so big and deep that it feels impossible. So we sit and wait for the world to change.
This situation right here is what made me run from Jesus the first time. Why are all the bad things happening? Why does God let it happen? The neverending question. I heard a pastor at David's old church in Phoenix touch on this subject. He is Bosnian, raised in Croatia. In his sermon he threw out statistics from all over the world- number of people dying in Africa of AIDS, drug issues, etc... The closest to home was that there is no system for children who are abused in Croatia. Nowhere for them to go. No one to offer help. His sermon was long and amazing, but his biggest answer was the power of prayer... something I kind of mocked in earlier days. Although it's the only way to receive true peace. So when the world sucks and it feels like there isn't a way to help...there probably is something and it will probably come to us when we are cuddled up in our favorite chairs offering ourselves to Jesus. Remember we can move mountains.

mean man

So I have been on this running routine as I train for some long distance stuff. Well, the treadmill is great for a couple miles, but much more than that is really boring and hard on my knees. So I went over to Rincon on Tuesday to run a few miles... had a great time and enjoyed being outside. Well, today I went back to experience it again. So I ride my bike to the track and I begin running. I start to notice the track is a bit funny smelling, but I figure it's from all the rain and cold or something. So I am just rounding out the halfway mark of my first 1/4 mile when I hear this voice. "Hey! You can't be running here!" He yells. I am just looking at him like what is your deal. Then he proceeds, "Did you not see all this?" I look up and the part of the track that is backed up against the school has a fence with big plastic stuff on it so that you can't enter. Mind you, on the other side where I entered is completely open, no fence, no plastic. I shook my said and explained where I had entered. "Are you stupid?" He asks. Meanwhile I am just staring at him while mentally ripping his head off and stomping on it. So then I apologize again. He says, "LEAVE!" So I start to finish my lap back to my bike. He then yells at me to leave the other way. (I AM HALFWAY AROUND THE TRACK- IT DOENS'T MATTER WHICH WAY I LEAVE!) So I explain where my bike is and he yells at me again saying I am costing all this money for him and to get on the grass. So I turn to the grass and he's still yelling at me. So I just run back to my bike and ignore him. So there are a couple things that really get my blood boiling. 1. My tax dollars are paying for the stupid track that I am ruining. (Although I wasn't ruining it... I am a very careful and light runner...and I it hadn't been just paved or anything. I don't even know what stupid project they were doing) 2. I am 24...you don't have to belittle me. And it really gets me that I am sure he thought I was a student. AHHHH 3. I hate people like that. All he had to say was, "Do you mind running on the grass today?" 4. I went home crying. :(
So I hate mean men.

My beastly dog. I love this picture of him. :)

Going "home"

So David and I bought our tickets to Spain tonight! I can't explain the feeling. We will be there 19 days and will make a quick stop in Italy as well. I miss my family in Spain so much! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about going back there. I LOVE SPAIN!!! I can't wait to stay up the whole night and sleep till 2pm. I can't wait to eat my favorite foods and go shopping and spend time with my friends. I have brought up living in Spain several times to David and he has yet to say no... so I look forward to tasting the dream again. :) I am just so full of joy that I can't help but boast!
AHHH SPAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

embrace?

So awhile ago my dad came down with his college roommate to visit David and me. We had a great time. One day we went to hike Sabino Canyon and had a great time. As many of you know, my dad struggles with his weight. He used to be this extremely fit road biker who ate fairly well. For about 10 years he has been feeling overweight and often comments on this. It's one of those situations where you want to say, "Dad, enough already! Either lose weight or stop complaining about it!" So anyway, we are walking and Denny looks at my dad and says, "John either start exercising and be happy or just embrace it!' This struck me for some reason. I smiled and agreed with him because I have definetely heard his sob stories enough to be ready for him to embrace it. But I know my dad and I know that he will never be able to embrace feeling overweight.
I think we all have things that we want to change about ourselves and some of us are less vocal about such things. For me, I have been complaining about a messy house lately. We have piles of stuff everywhere. My purse is a mess. There is laundry to be done. There are spots on the annoying white kitchen floor. The list of things goes on and on and on. I think the biggest thing is that David and I just have too much stuff and we are both packrats! I get so upset about the messes that I fall into a minor depression adn then I can't get anything accomplished. Well, what good is that? So I said to David yesterday that I either need to start cleaning daily to meet the standards to make me happy or just embrace it! I need to embrace that I am not a perfect housekeeper and that it gets messy.
Do we all have things that we need to embrace? So here's the big question: Once you identify that you need to let go and embrace something about yourself that you dislike, how do you do it? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and feel satiisfied? How do you look at the piles around the house and decide they aren't going to haunt you anymore?
Thoughts?

glory

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth. Psalm 57:11

One of the ways God shows me His glory.

Travelling to Cuba changed my life. I lived a simple, "ignorance is bliss" kind of life prior to Cuba. Ignorance may be bliss, but once you are stripped of ignorance and faced with a starving child or a mother who threw her dignity out the window when she sacriced her body to feed her family- you realize your loss of innocence. Cuba revolutionized my thinking and my desires. The city was in ruins. Streets stripped of their beauty as Castro plans his "beautification of Havana" a plan that has been in effect for many years. No swimming in the blue Caribbean waters for Cubans- for they might try to escape. No leaving your city of residence without permission. Not enough food, clothes, bath supplies. Yet this picture captures a Cuban heart. A woman- older- lived in Cuba through the disaster of Communisim...feeding the birds. I saw the same in Guatemala and have a similar picture. Even in our great suffering we want to offer. I have no doubt that she would offer all she has to a sister in need. She bends over in her old body and offers a few crumbs to the birds. I have a few thoughts about this. 1. Disgusting. I hate birds.
2. My eyes water as my heart feels compassion for such a suffering country. 3. What an offering.
I would love to return to Cuba someday....perhaps it's to regain my innocence.

Sedona when it snows. You can't even see the red rocks because of the clouds.








Sedona when the sun shines. Quite beautiful.

current thoughts on adoption

So David and I have finally arrived home. :) We had a great time visiting family, but it's always a joy to return home. On our way back from Sedona we began discussing our current situation with H and where we want to go from here. David has been apprehensive to adopting her for a variety of reasons. I have seen it as more of an obligation. We have received advice from both sides of the spectrum Ultimately, it is in God's hands and He will guide us down the right path. However, I think we may know what will happen. I asked David to be honest with me about how he is feeling so that I can prepare myself to let her go. It's been an uphill battle and I am finally ready to surrender to my husband. David really misses just having me and he wants to keep H until her adoption with this other family is finalized. He wants to enjoy being young and married without the kids... I am starting to agree. There are two things that I am passionate about 1. Children 2. Travelling. I am hoping that without our little bug we can save up some money and take a trip this summer and then every year until we can't afford it and/or have kids. I want to lower our expenses in order to take a trip together every year. We met travelling and during our dating time we always managed to go somewhere...we both want to get back to this.
I feel selfish admitting such desires, but I know there is more to it than an addiction to travel. I honestly don't think I can be who H needs me to be. I am short tempered and know nothing about raising a child with aggression and delays beyond belief. God is giving me what I need to get her to her next home, but I fall short of this every day as well. I just don't think I can offer her everything that she needs. It is very hard for me to admit this because I want to be the perfect Mom and the one who receives all this recognition for doing a good job, but I need to be honest with myself.
Admitting what will happen in a couple short months is really tough, but it also gives me relief. My goal is to work on not disconnecting myself from her and to continue to love her dearly.
Also, I changed the name of my blog so that I can write about more than one thing. I am not as articulate as my husband and his siblings...but I want to share my thoughts just the same. ;) Maybe with time I will write like them.......ehh it would take too much reading and processing! I will just stick to my simple thoughts. :)